I know, it sounds like a Captain Beefheart song title, and it probably should be. He’d have written something wonderfully bizarre about our tragically bizarre political world and maybe we’d have had something to smile about.
The UK’s current political mainstream is now certifiably insane. Labour, Tory, the Vince Cable Show, they all talk a lot and promise things and then do the opposite. Or they do nothing at all. It would be better if they all stuck to doing nothing at all, I think, since everything they do ends up as a balls-up.
Tessie Maybe is a control freak who makes Maggie the Thatch look meek. Really. We knew this when she was Home Secretary. Remember how she wanted a DNA database of everyone in the country, control of the Internet and how she buggered up the police while she was in control of them? Who the hell thought it a good idea to make her Prime Monster? Why didn’t they give the job to Bulky Boris? At least we’d have had some laughs along the way.
There are alternatives to vote for. Nobody thinks they can win even though all three main parties are clearly doing their best to lose.
It reminds me of the Welsh rugby team, way back in the days when Barry John was the star. They won every game. Then they basked in their glory. They came to believe ‘We are Wales, we cannot lose’. When they thought that way they got absolutely hammered. It took quite a few years before they managed to get a respectable game score again.
So a relatively small and new party can never win, eh? Tell that to the Tories and the Whigs, (Conservative and Liberal parties) who held sway since at least Cromwell’s time. The idea that the Labour party, the one they all called ‘Communist extremists’, could ever threaten their cosy my-turn-next system was risible. Where is the Liberal party now? In fragments, the biggest fragment under the ridiculous control of Vinnie the Wire.
It can happen. It has happened. It can happen again.
And yet, it will not happen at the next election. Oh there are alternatives but there are too many. It will split the vote for the alternatives and the same, drudging, lying, self-important spivs will get in again.
Farage has just made it worse by adding another vote-splitter to the mix.
There is a solution, as James has discussed.
There are three main alternative parties. They’re all nuts too, but they do have a focus which, whether you like their focus or not, is more than the current lot can claim.
UKIP, Alternative for Britain and the new Brexit party that Farage just made up. That last one will get no votes. It’s too new. If you’re not scouring the internet these days, you won’t hear about it. On the ballot they need to call it the Farage Brexit Party or it’ll be swept aside as another Curch of the Militant Elvis. But that’s their problem.
These three will compete with each other even though they want the same thing. They will split their vote and when the split total for those three exceeds the winning candidate’s vote, maybe they’ll wake up and smell the croissants.
It’s easy. None of them can cover every constituency. Some constituencies are not worth the effort. Standing against Jerry Cordite would look good in the news but you aren’t going to unseat him. His local zombies don’t even see any other name on the ballot. Don’t waste effort on posturing.
If those three actually spoke to each other and came up with a plan…
Split up the constituencies. Agree on coalition from the outset, You don’t have to make it a manifesto commitment, just know where you are going. Don’t stand against each other. If you do, you will lose.
Don’t slag each other off. In fact, each of you should praise the other two as viable alternatives in places your party is not standing.
Only fight constituencies where you have a chance. With the Tory betrayal on Brexit and the Labour nonsense coming out now, those constituencies won’t be too hard to find. And don’t forget the SNP who are increasingly becoming despised in Scotland for their overtaxing nannying. You don’t have to win every seat, you don’t have to have a majority in one party, you have to win a majority between the three of you.
So who will be Prime Monster? All three of them want to be. The simple solution is, whichever one has most MPs gets to nominate a PM. I know, the other two party bosses won’t like it but you play the Game of Thrones and, well…
Those three parties have to agree on something like this or we’re back to Tessie Maybe or Jerry Cordite and neither is a good option. This country needs something new. It might be great, it might be shit, but anything is preferable to the rubbish we have at the moment. It’s like a bunged up toilet. Get the crap out, fix it later.
Will they listen? They are politicians.