Release the Kraken

Well, the voting is done in the UK. Now we have to wait because other EU countries have not yet voted. Denmark, for example, votes on Saturday and I think there are a few more on Sunday. So counting cannot start until the final polls close on Sunday night.

I wonder if any of those sealed ballot boxes have a milkshake in them? At this point, nothing would surprise me.

Meanwhile, Tessie Maybe keeps claiming she’s going to resign – no, that she is going to set out a timetable for resigning. Nah, the Tories can have their leadership back when they pry it from her cold dead fingers. Meanwhile, the death spiral of the Tory party continues.

They are not going to let jovial buffoon Boris Johnson be the next PM. Oh come on, it would be funny and we could all do with a laugh now. Instead, a host of Remain MPs want the job to go to a Remainer and history’s longest screw-up will continue uninterrupted.

Dominic Grieve, arch remainer with a smile like a starving crocodile faced with a wounded deer, has threatened to quit to block a no-deal Brexit.

You can’t block the default position. If no deal is agreed then there is no deal. That’s how it works. All he can do is delay the inevitable even further. And slide the Tories further down that greasy ratings pole. The last one I saw before voting day had them below the Greens and chasing UKIP and the Changey McChangeface Party for bottom spot. They don’t seem to understand why that is.

What is truly astounding is Corbyn’s leadership. Faced with an imploding Tory party he has failed to gain any ground at all and is in fact following them (at least more slowly) down the ratings. How does any opposition leader manage such a feat?

The Brexit Party, dreamed up in a drunken pub session about six weeks ago by Nigel Farage, is roaring ahead in the polls. This is probably due to the Remain vote splitting between Lib Dems, Greens, Plaid Cymru and others, while UKIP have apparently collapsed. So almost all the Brexit vote went with Farage while the Remain vote fragmented. Labour have hummed an ha’d over Brexit and the Tories have royally screwed it up. No reason for either Leave or Remain voters to go for either of them.

This has, of course, upset the established order and risks derailing the gravy train of politics. So, massive guns have been fired at Farage. Not at the Brexit Party. The other candidates have been ignored, it’s all been about Farage.

To be fair, if I met him in a pub I might not like him very much. Too shouty for my liking and too much one-issue – but then, to be fair again, that one issue is his driving force. And he has stuck with it for decades. Darth Thermostat is now pretending it’s a new Russian influence but Farage has been in the game a long time and Putin has nothing to do with it.

He’s not a Nazi and I have seen no evidence of racism or any of the other labels stuck ion him (they are stuck on all of us anyway so they really don’t work any more). He’s just a shouty pub bloke. I don’t think he’d be a good Prime Monster because of that shoutiness and to be honest I don’t think he wants that job. He wants Brexit and if it ever appears, his work here is done.

The Brexit Party does, however, have a really good candidate for Prime Monster in its ranks.

Farage is now being investigated for financial impropriety by the EU – the same EU that’s never passed a financial audit. And they say the Americans don’t understand irony. It’s clearly lost on the EU too.

They are determined to take him down and maybe they will. They’ll keep digging until they find something. Then he might have to step down as leader of the Brexit party and hand it on to someone else.

Someone it would be next to impossible to find any dirt on. Someone who could take on the entire EU parliament even more effectively than Farage. Someone most of the EU smug beurocrats won’t even remember. Someone who could still make an effective Prime Monster.

Ann Widdecombe is the natural successor to Nigel Farage for that party if they go into a UK general election. She is popular and eloquent and very, very skilled in politics.

Take down Farage and he will just smile and say three words.

‘Release the Kraken’.