Sugar vs. Fat

I’ve put on a few pounds lately. Have to watch that. I don’t want to be fat again. I know some people are happy with it but it doesn’t suit me.

It’s unlikely to be a problem. Boss is on holiday for two weeks so my next day off will be August 10th. That should keep me trim. Better yet, I have morning shift so I can work on the anthology in the afternoons.

Since there isn’t much to do on morning shift, I’ll get some work on it in the mornings too😉

I heard there is soon to be another visit by the head honchos of the Secret Ninja Cleaners. I’ve never met them. Every time they visit there’s a sudden shift change and I always have that day off. This time, Boss is on holiday so there won’t be any shift changes. I’m sure it’ll be a very interesting day.

Anyway, the work will burn off some burgers and a few visits to the chip shop and pizza shop along the street. Calories in less than calories out and the weight just falls away.

It really is that simple, you know. You don’t need to target specific food groups. I eat whatever the hell I like and always have. I just try not to eat more than I use.

You’re burning calories all the time. Even when asleep. You have to, in order to maintain your body temperature, keep your heart pumping and all your internal organs working. I’m burning more calories just sitting here typing than if I was sitting here reading. Not much more, it’s true, but a bit more. Every little helps.

I have met fat vegetarians. I don’t mean just a little bit chubby either. They didn’t get that way on chips and burgers. They did it on Quorn and tofu and that bizarre vegetarian bacon stuff. I still can’t get my head round the fact that that stuff even exists.

Oh sure I eat fruit and veg, but if I wanted to catch up on five-a-day I’d have to eat several medium sized orchards in under a week. I don’t count calories, I don’t care about portion sizes, I don’t care how much sugar and salt and fat is in the food, I just eat things I like to eat.

Yes, a lot of them are deep fried. I live in Scotland. I’ve had deep fried pies and deep fried pizza. Deep fried haggis in batter. A quarter of a chicken deep fried in batter. That’s fantastic by the way. It’s available in every UK chip shop, not just Scotland.

I ignore all medical nannying. I like whisky and cigarettes. I will eat fruit but there has to be meat involved, especially bacon. Bacon soothes the soul and calms the spirit. I wear 34-inch waist trousers and need a belt to keep them up.

The NHS can’t find anything wrong with me. I went to an optician last year with glasses that were actually rusting because I hadn’t been for so long. My prescription hadn’t changed at all. I recently visited a dentist and the dentist said I was in remarkably good shape for someone who hadn’t been near the Chair of Pain for over 20 years. One has to come out, one needs a filling and there’s a bit of root left from a botched home extraction about 15 years ago. Otherwise, I’m good.

All this and not one tad of Medical Missionary Zeal has touched me. There are those at work telling me I’m living all wrong and should pay attention to the medics… and they are all fatter than me and get out of breath walking up a few steps. If they are really listening to medical advice, it’s killing them.

Look, people, the five-a-day veggies and the alcohol units stuff is all made up. It’s been publicly admitted as a total lie. People still believe it. People never think to wonder that if those cornerstones of health mantras are lies, how much of the rest of it is lies?

It’s also been admitted that doctors like to tell you that whatever medication they give you will react badly with alcohol so you can’t have any. It’s true of some medications but certainly not all of them. It’s just a useful way for the doc to make you stop drinking.

I went drinking with medical students in my university days. I saw exactly what they were like and vowed then not to trust those pissed wasters with my health. Almost got beaten to a pulp by a medical student called Concorde. It wasn’t his real name. It was what I called him because he had the nose for it.

Nowadays medical research focuses on single issues. Salt, sugar, fat… these are irrelevancies. By the way, did you know that if you don’t have enough sodium in your diet your body takes it from your bones, making them brittle? The zero salt diet will make you die like a washed up jellyfish. Something modern medicine seems to want to happen.

None of it matters. Burn more calories than you eat, you lose weight. Eat more calories than you burn, you gain weight. It’s really no more complicated than that.

I guess there’s no research money in the obvious answer.

O Lucky Man

Great film. If you haven’t seen it, do. It is full of the music of Alan Price and wonderfully strange. It tells the story of a simple coffee salesman…

Any road up, it gets almost as strange as real life sometimes. Apparently the UK is talking itself into a recession that does not need to happen. Isn’t that true of pretty much every recession ever? They don’t need to happen. It’s all about money, and most money is as real as a cartoon monster on your phone.

My daughter put a nice twist on it today. What if you see the monster on your phone, move the phone away and… it’s really there? Wouldn’t that be fun?

But now it seems that if we don’t waste money on shit we don’t need, the economy will collapse. I am not buying a vast TV I can’t afford and won’t watch. I am not getting a loan to buy a car that can’t go any faster than the old blue Ford I have now because it already reaches the speed limit. It might be capable of exceeding it, obviously I would never attempt such a thing.

Does that mean I am putting TV makers and car makers out of a job? Since most of these things are now made in Taiwan anyway, it shouldn’t affect the UK economy at all.

Yet the scare now is internal. Nothing to do with the EU or Brexit. It’s UK people not buying shit made by UK workers who are apparently commuting to Taiwan to make this shit. That’s the scare, and it’s working. The stock market is going ‘Oh no, we’re going to die’. Meanwhile Joe Bloggs is carting home his cinema screen TV from Tesco and sometimes he’s even paid for it.

Brexit is irrelevant to the recession argument here. It’s an argument based on UK people not buying UK made stuff and thereby putting UK workers out of a job. It’s entirely internal. It can happen or not happen with no requirement to invoke the EU at all. Of all the stupid arguments put out there in the Battle of Brexit… well…


As for our coffee salesman, well he really should pay more attention to his background songs because things don’t all turn out as happy as they seem at this point…

Poke ’em and Go

It’s a fun game. You just need a sharpened pencil or a pointy stick.

Apparently that’s not what the game is called and not what it’s about. I preferred my version but hey ho. You have to see invisible monsters through your phone when out alone on dark nights. It’s a wonderful story idea, isn’t it?

As I told some of the staff who play this game, what if one of them isn’t part of the game but is actually a demon in disguise? Suddenly… Satan! And instead of you throwing your balls at him, he pokes yours! With a pitchfork.

Some of them have given up playing now. I guess it didn’t hold their interest.

It’s probably for the best. Going out on dark nights and waving your balls around is just going to get you arrested.

There have been incidents all over the place, even on Aberdeen beach which is the cleanest beach on the planet because no bugger can stand the cold, where flash mobs descend to catch Floobymon or whatever the rare one is called.

It. Does. Not. Exist.

Bread and circuses – and the ultimate circus is interactive. Chasing digitised things that do not exist outside Phoneworld. Which is your reality now? The cartoon phone monsters or the dark and sad images in the background? You know… real life.

Are they being trained? Maybe to be happy about the spreading knowledge that most money doesn’t exist. It’s just digital computer bytes.

Maybe it’s a cull. ‘There’s a super rare one in the fast lane of the motorway!’ I’d do that. I confess I’d do it but not for Green reasons. For the lulz:)

Anyway, I finally have a couple of days off so I can catch up on the anthology at last. I won’t be out chasing nonexistent cartoons.

I have real shit to deal with.

Theresa May… or May Not?

So we have a new Prime Monster. The first wench-in-charge since Ol’ Iron Knickers herself. We’ve since had Monochrome Man, the Tiny Blur, the Brown Gorgon and a bad dose of the Cameroids (featuring a walk-on part by Little Clegg). Now we have… well I don’t have a good name for the new one yet so I’ll go with Tessie Maybe until she makes a decision. She’ll earn her true Underdog name in time.

She’s put Boris Johnson in charge of foreign affairs, which shows she has a wicked sense of humour at least.  I suppose Frankie Boyle wasn’t available.

There are lawyers trying to claim the Brexit case was based on lies. Both cases were based on lies. Politicians were involved. What else would anyone expect? If a politician tells the truth, all his teeth fall out and he has to live on nothing but subsidised soup. Everyone knows that.

And yet the people voted and then expected their elected representatives to do as they are instructed. Will they? Well, they don’t have too good a record on that so far. They listen harder to the busybodies who live on tax money than to those who actually pay the taxes. Which reminds me, I have a tax rebate on the way again. Which is nice.

What happened in Nice wasn’t at all nice. A deranged madman killed and injured a hell of a lot of people and the press are claiming it was nothing to do with Islam. He was called Mohammed. They always are. It’s always nothing to do with Islam. If he was called Brian or Malcolm or Quentin there’d be far less scepticism about the ‘nothing to do with Islam’ repetition.

I hear there was a British woman complaining that all this terrorism had ruined her shopping trip. Madam, you are an embarrassment to this nation and to the entire human race. What kind of people are we breeding these days? That one shouldn’t be allowed to.

Back to Brexit, where pundits are trying to find a reason for the ‘out’ vote that doesn’t involve people becoming sick to death of being bossed around by a bunch of suited arses who cost a fortune and who just make shit up during booze-fuelled drug orgies. How else can you explain laws about the straightness of cucumbers and bananas? Nobody could think up that stuff sober.

I mean, claiming the medium-rich middle class were the ones who voted out? Wales voted out, as did Newcastle. The medium-rich are hardly a majority in either of those places. Oh sure, they exist in those places but they aren’t 51% of the populations there.

It’s true the less well paid are better off now. As I’m currently one of them I can attest to this. Raising the tax threshold means I get more of it back. Also the really-rich are better off. It’s the ones who just tip over into the higher rate tax bracket who get hammered. In real terms today, an average middle-level job can tap you into that bracket. You need to get well above it to make legal tax avoidance schemes worth bothering with so if you’re only just in it, you just have to bend over and take it.

And while we’re on the subject of parasitic unelected organisations who are unaccountable and believe themselves to be God, the World Health Organisation (WHO?) are whining that we aren’t doing as we’re told when it comes to letting kids see ads for unhealthy foods they can’t buy for themselves.

A bunch of arrogant, self-important striplings called @tobaccofreekids on Twitter are claiming that tax hikes work to stop kids smoking. How? Those kids can’t buy the tobacco so how does a tax hike affect them at all? It only affects adults who are… adults. The ones who buy stuff and pay massive amounts of tax when they do, even though they’ve already paid massive amounts of tax on the money they earned to buy stuff with.

‘Adult’ used to mean something in the old days. You were a child and did as you were told and adults were in charge. Now we have jumped up whippersnappers telling us that old people should not be allowed to vote and only the undeveloped mind is fit to run the country because they know best because they have been told what is best by the hard of thinking who grew older but never grew up.

The same hard of thinking who are funded by adults who pay tax. We should all fuck off out of the country and leave them to their Utopia of bugger all.

For one of his poems, Dylan Thomas invented the fictional Welsh town of Llareggub. He did it because his publisher told him to cut back on the swear words. The easily twisted young and the unthinkers could call their new unfunded country by that name.

Well, let’s see what Tessie Maybe does. Could we at last have an intelligent Prime Monster? It’s about time we did.

My money is on ‘Oh no, not again’.


The Brexit anomaly

There have been a few things strange about the UK’s attempt to leave the EU. I use the word ‘attempt’ because the process has barely started. It’s not guaranteed to happen. Parliament can overturn the referendum result or the EU can demand we do it again and again until we get the right answer. They have form on this one.

They haven’t though. I haven’t heard a single call from the EU to re-run the referendum. They would have a case: the margin between ‘out’ and ‘in’ is only 4% and a hell of a lot of people didn’t vote at all. Yet, they haven’t said a word.

Just before the referendum, Cameron was saying that ‘In the event of a Remain win, renegotiation of our relationship with the rest of the EU would begin the day after the referendum’.

The day before the referendum, a chap called Junckers stated that there would be no further renegotiation within the EU. The EU was not going to concede anything more to the UK. The day before the referendum.

He could have waited until after the referendum to say that. Waited 24 hours or so but no, the day before the referendum he stated that Cameron had no more to negotiate. The deal is settled. That could have been enough to swing the vote.

There was a petition to re-run the referendum which gained 4.1 million signatures. Oh we know it was rigged, there were some giving UK postcodes to people overseas so they could sign it. Still, the Government could have said ‘well 4.1 million people want this so…’

They didn’t. They rejected the petition out of hand (correctly, since they will also know it was rigged because as well as your postcode, it can log your IP address).

Even so, they could have accepted it. They’ve accepted so many rigged results and fake science, who would notice one more?

So both the EU and our own government reject the idea of a second referendum even though both have ample excuse to call for it. Also, a high ranking EU minister made a statement that would have swung wavering voters on the day.

Now we have a leadership battle between Andrea Leadsom and Theresa May for the Prime Monster’s job. I have no idea why anyone would want that job at this time. Still, there they are. One strongly pro-Brexit and one strongly pro-Remain. Is this a second referendum by the back door? Except of course, only Tory party members get to vote.

Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and others have moved aside for the unknown Andrea. She takes on the very well known Theresa.

Is anyone else wondering if they are watching a carefully choreographed series of events?

I don’t think I can predict the ending of this one but I think this is all going according to someone’s plan. I have no idea whose plan, but it’s all going too smoothly to be random.

I don’t like the feeling of being manipulated.


A new deal

Okay. I am running slow on this because of things that happened but it has not been abandoned. I have to get your money sent out soon.

Here is an amended author agreement. It is specific to the first anthology and will change for subsequent books. If everyone involved is okay with this I can get the agreement and the money passed out this week. The book might take a little longer but that’s my problem, not yours.

You are not doing this for free. I wouldn’t:)


The Underdog Anthology

Author Contract

This contract constitutes an agreement between the AUTHOR and PUBLISHER that permits the PUBLISHER one use of the AUTHOR’s work in this one anthology. This single use extends to worldwide publication in print and eBook formats in English only.

Copyright remains with the AUTHOR and all publication and ancillary rights (TV, film, other media rights, audiobook, translation into other languages) remain with the AUTHOR. The PUBLISHER purchases only the right to include the story in the anthology titled ‘The Underdog Anthology’ in print and eBook format and may not use the story in any other publication or form without the prior written consent of the AUTHOR.

Any interest shown by a third party in acquiring film etc. rights will be referred to the AUTHOR. The PUBLISHER will take no further part in the matter, and will expect no reimbursement or percentage of any deal made between the third party and the AUTHOR in respect of their story in The Underdog Anthology.

The AUTHOR, for their part, warrants that the work is their own and is not copied, plagiarised or downloaded from another author’s work. That no part of the work identifies any living person nor exposes the publisher to any legal action by said living person or relative. The AUTHOR accepts that any responsibility for libel or lawsuit is their responsibility and not the PUBLISHER, who has accepted the story in good faith. That they have full rights to the story and that if it has been published elsewhere previously, it remains or has reverted to full ownership by the AUTHOR at the time of submission.

The AUTHOR accepts that payment (in cash, copies of the book or as may be alternatively agreed) means that the story becomes a permanent part of The Underdog Anthology and that upon publication, the AUTHOR retains all rights to re-use the story elsewhere in any form they choose but cannot subsequently demand it be retracted from the already-published book.


(Amended 6th July 2016 and again the following night. I’ll get there…)

Never the easy way

Okay, that’s the referendum out of the way, aside from the bleating of those who cannot accept they were outvoted this time. When people develop a mindset that tells them they are always right, when they believe themselves intelligent even though they struggle to spell IQ, that is always going to happen. Get the popcorn, open the news feed, and watch them scramble.

As for me, well, things just got interesting. Sigh. Yes, again.

I was on the verge of shutting down my little lab completely. I hadn’t had cause to use it for a long time and really, it was just a white elephant.

The janitor job had more hours cut again and I really think we’re being phased out. With no other suitable jobs around I decided to invent my own and started setting up as a publisher. That’s going well, but not as fast as I had hoped.

For the next two weeks I am working as holiday cover for the Other Me in the shop so I’ll be there every day. Then Boss goes on holiday for a week – and then I have to take time off or I’ll go insane in there!

So, with all this going on, what does Life do? It throws me a curve ball.

After a few phone calls, I have a meeting next week to discuss doing some research work for a Very Big Company, using my little lab. Why me? Well, I have the intestine simulator in my lab, and you can’t buy this thing. I made it from the ground up and this latest version isn’t in any publically available research paper. It’s only been used in commercial research. The lab has a last minute reprieve. Well, I’ll keep it for another three months and see if this project gets anywhere. Very Big Companies sometimes float ideas and then just say ‘nah’.

As if it wasn’t going to be busy enough with holiday cover and starting up a publishing business, I now have to prepare to sell my brain to a Big Company that has so much money they can pay me enough out of the petty cash box to at least double my annual income.

So, which of the jobs will take a back seat? None of them of course. Everything will take a little longer than I had anticipated but nothing is getting shelved. It’ll be a hellishly busy few weeks but it’s all going to happen. All of it. Impossible? Probably. I’ll do it anyway.

Am I making this difficult enough? Maybe I should start learning Danish at the same time, just to make it more interesting…