I was a bit surprised to see some familiar faces at the funeral today. I thought I’d already been to theirs. Must have dreamt it. Next time I’ll make sure. I’ll take a hammer.
I don’t know if I should keep going to people’s funerals. I bet none of them will come to mine.
The sofa bed arrived. The ad said ‘some assembly required’ so I thought okay, if they get it into the house I can take it to its room bit by bit and assemble it there. Turns out ‘assembly’ means fitting the legs. It arrived in one bit. One big, very heavy bit.
Fortunately CStM was on hand to guide them through the house by the most difficult route possible. I was so proud. They could have taken it round to the greenhouse end and carried it a quarter of the distance with no awkward corners but they’ll never know.
I have the stuff to make an Irish coffee but I’ll make it tomorrow. With a blend, not a malt. Tonight it’s just plain whisky. Coffee and whisky and a smoke. Everything that’s evil in the world and still my funeral seems far away.
Which is good. I can’t decide whether to be stuffed with popcorn and tobacco and cremated (the popcorn is for the sound effects, and to make sure I get a bigger urn than Cyril Smith) or to be buried with a recording, speaker and proximity sensor that says ‘Fuck off!’ every time someone tries to dance on my grave. Decisions, decisions…
What’s that? Coffee isn’t evil? Oh yes it is and the idiots who wrote it missed a trick. They also seem to have skipped research, editing and proofreading but then they don’t bother with facts so why trouble themselves with any of the minor details?
(Tipped by Smoking Scot via email, incidentally)
The headline is ‘The evils of caffeine‘. Yes, really. The Righteous religion has declared it evil, along with anything else you might enjoy. Not just bad for you, unhealthy, or ‘ooo, no, you shouldn’t do that’. Actually evil.
Satan drinks a lot of caffeine. That’s how he gets so much evil done. Santa gets round the whole world in one night so he must have it as a horse-syringe injection on Christmas Eve. No wonder he has to catch up on sleep for a year.
I suppose that must be the logic, if there is any, behind all this. Good story ideas in there.
The trick they missed:
They also say that caffeine contains components such as Niacin, Magnesium and Potassium, which play a vital role for our health:
It contains niacin? Really? Oh coffeephobes, you missed a good one there. You could have linked it directly to smoking if you knew any actual science. The drones will fall for it – you can trust me on that one, I road tested niacin/vitamin B3 years ago. Probably cost the NHS some money treating vitamin deficiency but what the hell, I’ve paid in for years and haven’t used much. Might as well get my money’s worth.
Aaaand… if the reporter knew at least elementary school science, none of those words are capitalised. But hey, I’ve been doing some editing lately. I’m in picky mode.
Note also the mention that coffee contains magnesium, then the doublethink that says –
Muscle stiffness – caffeine increases the loss of calcium and magnesium, which has a negative impact on muscle tissues, impeding their relaxation mechanism.
Hm. Unless I have espresso or a can of chemical fizz (cheapo versions of Red Bull) I have milk in coffee. That gives me calcium. My habit of gnawing the bones of the dead helps with that too. Oh come on, sucking the marrow out is still the best part of a good chop.
A few paragraphs ago, we were told that coffee contains magnesium and that is one of its benefits. Now it causes magnesium depletion, and all within a few seconds of reading time. That’s faster than the Daily Mail! They would at least wait until the next day before claiming the opposite of what they claimed in the previous article.
Caffeine is an addictive drug, which alters our brain’s natural state and stimulates it in a manner similar to mechanisms employed by cocaine and heroin:
Does this sound at all familiar? Antismokers, in particular. Does the wording sound like something you’ve heard and repeated like an ADHD parrot for many years?
Antismokers who made Starbucks and Costa and every coffee shop smoke-free so you could have them to yourselves. Well folks, you’re banned too. Hear my sympathetic hysterical laugh.
Oh wait, I can’t pass up this one –
Heartburn – caffeine is alkaline, which spurs the stomach to react by dumping more hydrochloric acid as a neuralizer
I think a neuralizer is a Star Trek weapon, something like a tazer. They might have meant neutralizer (neutraliser in proper English) and it’s bollocks anyway. You can’t drink enough to promote that much acid and if you did, neutralising it will not cause heartburn. It will cause nothing. Heartburn is stomach acid leaking up into the oesophagus and that has more to do with a dodgy valve than what you put in there.
Their recommendations do not include putting whisky in your coffee so I will ignore them. They recommend drinking orange juice instead. Oh dear. The Sugar Righteous have banned that too.
Change your diet. Drink orange Juice, or eat fresh fruits in order to nourish your body with vitamin C.
Why does this exclude coffee? Or anything else? You can have more than one thing in your life. You are not a robot. Or… are you?
Coffee is a habit. Replace it with a small glass of fresh pressed orange juice. Have a grain or oats based breakfast (with a low glycemic index). It will keep your brain nourished all morning.
My brain works just fine. CStM has gone to bed and I am in post-dead-friend drinking mood. He is a massive loss to science, to our small group of independent rogue scientists and also a personal loss. If I last as long and get through half of what he got through I’ll call this game a win.
I have had several coffees and am making a big dent in a bottle of whisky. Do these Righteous seriously want my brain to work so much better? Oh that might not turn out as they expect.
But then, what do they expect? They say smoking is bad but then they ban vaping. I like vaping, it’s a great new thing but for me, it won’t stop me lighting up yet. Others have switched to it and some are now antismokers and if you’re reading, well, nobody likes a quitter. You are a failure. You couldn’t handle the real thing.
Vapers who recognise we’re on the same side, welcome. Join the resistance.
If you also like a coffee with your vape then don’t smirk at the smokers.
You’re in there with the antismokers and antivapers.
Now you have to give up coffee too.
Your life… is it worth living?