The Vote

Tomorrow – today, really – is voting day in the UK. We are to vote for the spongers we send to Brussels to be the expensive, utterly ineffective and powerless MEPs on our behalf.

If we’re going to send spongers, we might as well send entertaining ones. There’s no fun in sending those who are just going to nod and agree sagely with pronouncements they weren’t really listening to. I’ll be voting for troublemakers and rabble rousers.

Today we heard that Nigel Farage was trapped in his bus, surrounded by the Lactose Army’s Milkshake Battalion. It was, of course, clickbaity bollocks. It was two or three soyboys with masks and milkshakes. The masks kind of gave away your intentions, guys, and Farage simply waited until the police moved them on before emerging.

That’s not ‘fear’, as the MSM are painting it. That’s a perfectly sensible avoidance of conflict and of dry cleaning bills. That last basement gamer who did it has been arrested and charged. Farage could have had these new ones arrested and charged too, but he chose to avoid the milky suit-assassins. Nige, get a milkshake coloured suit, mate.

I won’t be at all surprised to find scraggy-bearded scrawny Shaggy lookalikes outside polling stations tomorrow with trays of milkshakes for anyone planning to vote Brexit. Me, I won’t be milkshaking anyone but if they milkshake me, I have a thing called ‘throatshake’ they might like to try. Common assault is common assault and it would actually be amusing to find them charged with the same thing as me when they needed medical attention and I only needed a washing machine.

No, I don’t have expensive suits and I don’t have anything requiring dry cleaning. In this part of Scotland, if you ask about ‘dry cleaning’ they hand you a dustpan and brush.

So, is it really a serious assault, this milkshaky childishness? Not to me, I see it as the response of a playground tantrum to not getting their way, but it is serious to the law. And in this age of acid attacks, if you throw a liquid on me I am going to react as if it’s dangerous, just in case. If I think I might be going down, I’m taking you with me. I will not tolerate lactose. Oh, and ‘I thought it might be an acid attack’ would be a far better defence than ‘I disagreed with his voting intentions’.

Darth Thermostat has had a meltdown on Twitter, claiming Farage and all the other non-Lefty EU leaders are in the pay of Putin. Putin must be laughing so hard he needs nappies. The EU insists the ‘right’ are in the pay of communism in order to prevent the EU installing communism. Putin has no need to do a damn thing to the West, our deranged leaders are doing it themselves.

The French have been protesting every weekend for six months. Their leader, Macaroon, sends the police to beat them up, maim them and kill a few but they don’t give up. What a pity the globalists have worked so hard to delete history. If they hadn’t, they’d know the French are actually pretty good at revolutions. And pretty damn brutal to leaders they don’t like.

I wonder who they will vote for in the EU elections? I wonder who Italy or Austria or any of the Eastern European countries will send to Brussels?

It’s not just the UK. If the EU had let us leave with a good deal, on time, none of this would be happening. Other EU countries would be thinking ‘Well, seems we can leave if we want to. Okay, we’ll hang on and see how it develops’.

Now they are looking at how the EU has rounded on the UK like a dog with a stolen bone and they are thinking ‘This beast is nasty, and wants us tethered to it forever’. It’s really not a nice feeling.

Emperor Drunker and Darth Thermostat have now unveiled the true face of the dark side of the Farce and people are finding they don’t like what they see. The EU Parliament is about to be full of Nigel Farages from across the continent and the whole thing is going to either fall apart or the EU Commission will go full Soviet and take total control.

That would make it take a few more years to fall apart.

So, if the polls are correct (and I suspect they might actually be biased against the Brexit party) there will be a wipeout. The Tories risk having no MEPs at all. The Lib Dems, the Greens, Plaid Cymru and others are the natural choices for Remainers, or they could go for the Changey McChangeface party but then they might not exist for long. And nobody likes them anyway.

The internet is full of ‘I voted Leave and now I want to Remain’ and ‘I voted Remain and now I want to Leave’ but it’s a tale of bots and bollocks. Most people haven’t changed their minds.

The Twitter bloke Femi went to a Brexit party rally with one of those tables with a sign – ‘I think a no deal Brexit will be a disaster. Change my mind’. Idiots threw water at him and poked him with a flag. They called him ‘Traitor’.

That was unfair and stupid. I disagree with almost every word Femi says but he wasn’t there with milkshakes and abuse. He was there, alone, no security detail, with an offer to talk. Okay, it’s fair to say you probably won’t change his mind and it’s probably not worth trying but even so… traitor?

He has no authority and no power. He is not the one trying to overturn the result of a referendum. Sure, he wants to, but he can’t actually do it. He is not a traitor, he is a man with a different opinion.

That’s all it takes these days. A different opinion. The world is becoming increasingly polarised and heading for a very big war. You cannot be on the fence now, you have to take a side and if you don’t agree with one side you are on the other, even if you don’t agree with them either.

The Soros Wars are coming and yes, I picked the name deliberately. He probably didn’t intend this, he most likely thought his New World Order would just slip into place because money doesn’t make you smart.

What he has set in motion cannot now be stopped. I doubt he even realises this.

His minions certainly don’t.

Where is your Green God now?

Well, May is here, and with it the promise of… snow?

It wouldn’t be the first time. Scotland has had snow in May before and will again. It’s no coincidence that ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May is out’ is a common phrase in Scotland. It means, to put it into Mrs. Queen’s English, don’t be in a hurry to put your winter clothes in storage before the end of May.

In the last few years we have had a surprise frost in the middle of August. Usually just one night, maybe two, but it does happen. It makes a bit of a mess.

I’ve been called a ‘climate change denier’ because I agree with David Bellamy. ‘Man made climate change’ and all this ‘carbon’ stuff, well it’s all bollocks, innit?

Changing carbon dioxide in the atmosphere by adding a few parts per million has only one effect. Plants grow faster. Every greenhouse operator, every biologist who hasn’t been suckered in to the scam, knows this. Carbon dioxide really doesn’t do anything else. It is not a ‘greenhouse gas’ beyond its use in actual greenhouses to make plants grow faster. Yes, greenhouse farmers really do this. You can achieve a temporary boost in your own small greenhouse by dropping a couple of fizzy headache pills in water and closing the vents and doors. It won’t be much of an increase and won’t last long but we are talking parts per million here so it’ll have an effect.

This makes me a ‘climate change denier’ even though I fully understand that the climate changes all the time. Sometimes dramatically, as it’s about to. It has nothing to do with human activity, nothing to do with carbon dioxide, it’s not getting warmer and we can’t do a damn thing to stop it. Adapt or die.

Of course, most people are adapting in the wrong direction so they’ll all be dead soon. China and India are building more coal fired power stations because they see what’s really coming. I think I’d choose moving to India over China. It’s further south, less totalitarian and I really like curries.

When I say rapid change is ‘coming’, I really mean ‘it’s here’. While Corbyn jumps on the global warming bandwagon, the last wheel is about to come off.

The North Wind doth blow, and we shall have snow. Another old saying. Here it comes.

I doubt there’ll be very much snow in most places but considering that snow was declared ‘a rare event that future children will never see’ by the year 2000, and considering that we are now in May and should be entering summer, if you are still being suckered in by ‘man-made global warming’ then good luck to you. Prepare to die.

We are about to see a big push for windmills and solar power and a shutdown of every reliable power source. Houses built with no chimneys have no alternative heating arrangements. Gas boilers are being banned, oil prices will be way out of reach for most of us and electricity will be available occasionally. If you don’t have a chimney, you’d better have a really high metabolism.

You see, this is a ‘climate emergency’ so you all have to die to keep the ideology pure. You have to love socialism, right? Well you have to or they shoot you in the back of the head but this time they have hit upon a much more efficient way to kill millions. They’ll let the cold finish them off. Icicles are cheaper than bullets.

Didn’t anyone question the likes of David Attenborough’s huge support for ‘climate action’? We must do all these silly things and shut down everything to save ourselves, coming from the man who has declared he wants somehting like 90% of the human population removed from the planet. He will achieve the latter because of those who believe the former.

Africa is being cleared. People are being sent north to die in the coming cold, a cold they will never have experienced before. Some of us northern people are used to it, some of us remember waking to ice on the inside of the windows and a house that had no need of a refrigerator. Some of us remember how to store lake and river ice through the summer with no machinery at all. Technically that’s even before my time but I do know how it’s done.

Until someone got out of bed and lit the fire in the living room there was no warm place to be. That was inside the house. You had to rotate yourself because the part facing the fire was warm while the part facing away from the fire was cold. Think I’m joking, young people? You’ll find out. If you live where you can have a fire. If not, well, basically, you’re fucked.

I have no sympathy for the young. They have been blocking roads and lying on the floor in Waitrose (they wouldn’t be seen even genuinely dead in Poundstretcher of course) to make the world cooler and it’s been cooling for the last two decades. This is about to accelerate.

Why? Why am I so confident that winter is coming to stay awhile?

Astrophysics is not like climate science. The cycles of the sun are entirely predictable and have been prediced way in advance of this moment. The problem was that those predicting those solar cycles – if they wanted to keep their careers – had to add the caveats that ‘warming will be slowed’ or something like that to their papers. Read the papers without the caveats and what they tell you is that we have just entered the start of a Grand Solar Minimum.

Sunspot activity is dropping very fast. The sun is going quiet. There will be less solar wind keeping cosmic rays off us. Cosmic rays will cause a lot of low cloud. A lot of low cloud will shield us from the already dimming sun. It’s going to get very cold indeed. This is just the beginning.

Middle America is seeing cold and wet weather. Crops are suffering and will be limited this year. I’m hearing that South Africa is getting something similar. Farms in the UK have been busy with planting through a warm April and are about to be hit with definite frosts and possibly snow. Sheep are lambing into the cold.

The climate is changing. Fast. And not for the better. We are going to be taxed as if we are causing warming to the point where we cannot afford to survive the coming cold. Reliable energy sources will be shut down to prevent warming that isn’t going to happen.

Adapt or die. It seems most have chosen to die. But then that was the idea from the outset. Agenda 21 is not a conspiracy theory. It’s serious.

However, as with all these things, the ones the so-called ‘elite’ will kill off are the ones they wanted to keep. The gullible drones. They will be left with those like me, who accept nothing, believe nothing, and who make arrangements for their own survival with no regard to the wishes of those who think themselves superior.

It’s such a monumental ballsup I could almost believe Theresa May is the festermind behind it all.

That’s if I could be convinced she actually has a mind.

The Decline and Fall of… pretty much everything

I have received a polling card for the EU elections. You know, the EU we were supposed to have left a month ago. I’m going to vote, and I’ll vote for the most awkward bastard on the ballot paper. I will not vote Tory or Labour or Lib Dem or SNP and definitely not Green. If that’s all there is, I will draw a primitive anatomical diagram on the paper and write ‘Every candidate is one of these’ and put it in the box.

Voting doesn’t matter anyway. Might as well regard it as a game. The current government have proven that they can happily ignore any voting we might do. At least Stalin had the decency to rig the votes so people could pretend he had won legitimately. Our lot let us vote any way we want and then ignore it and do what they want anyway. That’s worse, in my book.

England and Wales are about to have council elections. Scotland isn’t having those yet but I bet the Scottish clowncillors are paying close attention. Those councillors have no say in government but the Tories among them are pretty much screwed. The Labour ones shouldn’t be getting too complacent either.

Beery Nigel’s new Brexit party are head to head with Labour on the latest EU voting polls and rising. Between them and UKIP (oh how I wish they could just get along instead of sniping at each other) they could fill the EU Parliament with troublemakers. I hope they do.

They could also, combined, take power at the next General Election. Can’t happen? Tell that to the Whigs. The upstart Labour party sent them to the back benches not that long ago.

A guy called Adonis, who looks like an anti-Adonis if I’m being brutally honest, is standing as a Labour MEP on a ticket of ‘if you want Brexit, don’t vote for me’. Like there was any chance of that anyway. Meanwhile, Jerry Cordite has been out saying that he fully supports Brexit, thus utterly fucking up Adonis’s remote chances. Good on you, Jerry. Even the Brown Gorgon got one thing right (refusing to join the Euro) which is one more thing than Theresa May.

Labour won’t deliver Brexit any more than the Tories. We all know it. It’s a stitch up and the final proof that voting counts for nothing in what used to be called the ‘Mother’ of democracies but which has now become its coffin.

We might as well elect Kim Jong Jinglyjangly and be done with it.

The only honest ones among them are the Lib Dems. They have been against Brexit throughout. It’s a vote loser but at least they are consistent. What a pity they are so bloody useless. We had a taste of them in the Cleggeron Coagulation and that was enough to send them straight back to obscurity.

The next EU elections could be the ones I actually stay up to watch. I don’t usually bother but for this one, it could well be popcorn time.

It seems Donnie Trumpton is going to visit the UK in the summer. Very sensible. It’s really horrible here in winter. Mrs Queen is having a banquet in his honour and apparenty that is a terrible thing. She’s had banquets for world leaders who have massacred their own people and still does. Donnie hasn’t done that. He does look like he enjoys a good meal though.

Jerry Cordite, Vinnie the Wire, Tyrion Bercow, and several others whose names escape me because I don’t care who they are, have refused to attend the banquet. Can I have their tickets? Free food is free food and I don’t care who I have to sit next to. It’ll be posh food too, none of that Iceland microwaved stovies stuff. I bet Mrs Queen only shops at Marks and Spencer or Waitrose. Damn, free posh food? I’ll sit next to Jason Voorhees for that, as long as he only has a spoon.

Also, Tyrion Bercow has refused to allow Donnie to give a speech in Parliament. Who cares? Nobody with any sense listens to anything said in there any more anyway. It’s the House of Utter Bollocks. Perhaps if Donnie were to self-identify as a sixteen year old Swedish autistic girl who has been evilly manipulated to the level of actual child abuse by the Church of Climatology… perhaps then he’d be heard.

He has a terrible speaking voice anyway, it’s all squeaky and whiny. Come on, even if you are an ardent supporter, he doesn’t have a deep, resonant, commanding tone, does he? Reagan, a trained and experienced actor, was good at that. Trump has not learned modulation and has never studied hypnosis techniques… but then, that could be a good thing. Someone who knows how to do those things could convince antismokers of things like feeling their own neck nymph lodes as cancers. Or so I am told…

It’s all become very silly. Caroline Lucas (I remember fondly her line in spare parts for car electrical systems) says that anyone she doesn’t agree with is a racist-Nazi-bigot which is what we have heard from the Leftie playbook for over a decade now. Re-edit that book. It’s long overdue. Come up with something new because nobody cares about being called those things any more.

The latest is ‘white supremacist’. Oh they exist, there are probably at least ten of them worldwide. Most of us white folk are not interested in any kind of supremacy, we have shit to do to pay bills and we don’t want to rule over anyone. We cannot afford to keep slaves, we can barely afford to feed ourselves. You want to look at modern slavery, look at Islam. They still do it.

The people who shout about (white – they don’t say it) people queueing up at food banks are the same ones who crow about white privilege and white supremacy. The really funny part is – most of them are white and very privileged. The rest of us honky trailer trash are of no consequence to them. What do they think will happen when the backlash against ‘white privilege’ they demand actually comes to pass? Will the non-whites raid the meagre belongings of the trailer trash, or will they go for rich pickings?

We whiteys aren’t really doing much about any of it and you know why? We don’t need to. We’ll just let it all fall apart and rebuild it later. We’ll let the white self-haters fall to the wolves. We’ll let the entitled try to live on leaves and untreated water. Sure, take all we made for you and rip it up. We can do it again.

And now I’m going to be called a ‘white supremacist’. Call me whatever you want. I do not care. You don’t want my cure for gut diseases because it’s ‘too white’? No problem, I have a pot of it in my fridge here that’s worth £2000 and could wipe out Clostridium difficile from several large hospitals. It’s been tested, the doctors loved it, admin didn’t, it got shut down. Too white, and more important,. too damaging to their Pharma perks because it’s too natural to patent. Well I put a drop in my coffee every day. I’m fine. You don’t want to know, no problem.

Incidentally, if you have read this far without going off on a lefty rant and you are, or have a relative with C. difficile, I’ll be happy to send a free sample. And no, I don’t care what colour your skin might be, what religion you follow, anything. I also have this stuff in powder form so it’s a bit easier to post and I’ll tell you exactly what to combine it with (nothing hard to find).

If I cure a black family’s elderly relative, I am exercising white privilege. If I cure a white family’s elderly relative, I am a white supremacist. If you have an elderly relative in hospital with C. difficile and I have something that will cure it, without having to take them off the doctors’ prescriptions at all, and you refuse it because I am white, well just sit back and think about yourself. I have the cure, I am offering it for free, you refuse because I am white and that makes me the racist?

For many out there, it does.

The human race is going to collapse. That massive population reduction will happen. The ones who die will not be the ones the elite think will die.

In Denmark, an immigrant from Africa called police one morning because someone had coated his car in white stuff overnight. It had snowed. This is not a joke, this really happened. These immigrants will not do well in the grand solar minimum that is under way. Most Green God acolytes will die too. There will be mass deaths in the coming cold but the ones who are left alive will be those who rejected the globalist message and prepared properly. The ones who do not listen and who do not take orders from cash-filled suits.

Rather like the upcoming EU elections. The winners won’t be the ones the elite want to win.

They’ll be left with the likes of me.

The psycho and the baby

I am keeping up with the work for Anthology 8. It’s going to be a big one and submissions don’t close until the 25th. I am keeping up with edits, with Roobee’s help, and contracts. It’ll be fine. I have, naturally, chosen this time to redecorate the bathroom, inspired by a Government who have chosen the time of the biggest job they have ever had to ban the advertising of cheese, jam, and tiny chocolate frogs.

I haven’t forgotten the Freddo competition. I thought I had a lull in anthology submissions but even more stories arrived last weekend. Also a new toy – a ten quid Chinese video camera small enough to fit on OO scale trains. I am resisting playing with it until after the book and competition. It’ll happen.

So, Tessie Maybe gave a speech earlier in which she blamed everyone but herself for the Brexit Balls-up, and left some subliminal threats to her MPs concerning an upcoming vote on the same deal that has been given a most emphatic ‘fuck no’ by the House of Conmen twice already.

Squeaker Grumpy (he once declared he was not Happy so I’m guessing which one he is) has said that No-mates May cannot keep putting the same thing up for votes, especially when it keeps getting ‘fuck no’ results every time. The EU has overruled him, or tried to. We’ll have to wait and see.

In her speech she has, most likely, alienated the last of her supporters and brought the country together in a way no Prime Monster has ever managed before. Absolutely everyone wants her to resign now.

There was a Meeting of the Big Cheeses (am I still allowed to use that phrase under the New Food Rules? Cheese is full of fat and often slippery, so it seems accurate) aka the leaders of the parties in government.

Chukkus Yermoney was there as leader of the Rebel Loonies. Jerry Cordite took one look at him, declared he wasn’t a real party leader and stomped out in a huff.

Well, Jerry did have a point in that the Rebel Loonies were elected due to their party manifestos. They have ditched those manifestos and the party they were elected under so they don’t even have a mandate to be MPs any more. They also aren’t a ‘party’, just a gang. The gang of kids in the schoolyard whose only common factor is that none of the other kids want to play with them.

But throwing a tantrum and storming out of a meeting that could decide the UK’s future in just over a week?

This man is supposed to be the leader of one of the two biggest parties in the UK. He has had many meetings with HAMAS and the IRA and the reason he gave was that ‘sometimes, you have to talk with people you fundamentally disagree with in order to solve problems’ or words to that effect.

Chukkus Yermoney is a British Moocher of Parliament still and someone Jerry Cordite agreed with on most things until recently. He might be an idiot but he’s not HAMAS nor is he the IRA. He’s never killed anyone. As far as I’m aware, he’s never even so much as poked anyone in an aggressive manner. And yet Jerry can’t be in the same room as him, when he has palled up with mass murderers in the past.

Did Tessie, Empress of the Eternal Failure, deliberately invite Chukkus just to wind up Jerry? Well, I’m no psychologist but her manipulative ways, constant reiteration of lies and devious aggression do look like a narcissistic personality bordering on the sociopath. We knew she was a control freak when she was in the Home Office (remember her slavering over internet control and the DNA database of everyone?). She’s nasty enough to have done it for that reason.

If Jerry Cordite was an actual adult, he would have shrugged and taken his seat, then used every opportunity to dig at Chukkus whenever he opened his non-mandated mouth. That’s what I would have done.

Instead, he did what every toddler would do. Screamed ‘NONONO! I DON’T LIKE IT’ and stomped out of the room.

So. At the next election, you have a choice. You can vote for one of the two big parties and end up being ruled by either a psychotic habitual-liar deranged bint or a reality-denying habitual-liar man-child. Or you could vote for someone based on the person, not the party.

Just remember that manifestos mean nothing. Labour proved that under Blair anyway, but any residual doubt has now been removed by both Tories and Labour. You can safely put any manifesto straight into recycling. It was a waste of ink and paper.

And to think, I thought the Brown Gorgon was bad. I’d rather have him back now. That says a lot about the current options.

As for the Lib Dems, I hear that Vinnie the Wire is stepping down. A pity they don’t have Lemsip ‘oblong-eyes’ O’Pick, that jaunty Irish labourer with the persistent cough, in their MPs any more. I didn’t agree with him on much but I have to admit I quite liked the guy. I have no idea who they will pick as Vinnie’s replacement because I can’t name a single one of their current MPs. It’s like trying to name separate parts of a blancmange.

Greens will kill us all. It’s in their DNA. They want massive population reduction and they will achieve it by moving most of Africa and the Middle East north so they can become corpsicles when the grand solar minimum really gets going. It’s already started, but probably won’t become clear to the dopes of the Green God of Climatology for a few more years. Too late guys, you should have prepared. Maybe you shouldn’t have shut down all those power stations. Oh dear. What a shame. Never mind. Africa is slated to be a nature reserve. All humans will be deleted. They didn’t tell you that when they sold you the boat tickets, did they? Oh and did you notice that most Green policies, despite them being a minor party, are also EU policies?

Who do you vote for? You can refuse to vote, that’s a valid and perfectly understandable response in the current climate, but you know the drones will vote for all of the above and if you abstain, one of them will win.

I’m not telling you who to vote into Wastemonster. I’d rather see it burned to the ground to be honest. That isn’t going to happen so we have to make the best of what we can do.

What can we do? Not much really. I’d like to see a Parliament made up of independents and the lunatic fringe candidates. It won’t last long but it will give the actual politicians one massive kick up the arse. And they really do need that right now. With steel toecaps and hobnails and a good run-up.

Will they get it? I doubt it. Most constituencies are made up of morons who will vote for a mollusc with the right colour rosette and often have. It will take a seismic shift to make them vote differently.

Tessie and Jerry might have just made it happen. We shall see.

(Is it bad that I wish the current Tory Prime Monster was called Tom?)

What a balls-up

I have been busy with the next anthology, which is turning into a biggie and it’s not closed yet. Details here. It has no fixed genre and I still don’t have a title. Genre-fluid, maybe, or Transgenre Dreams. This time it has a poetry section too.

Anyway, even busy with work it’s impossible to avoid the Brexit news. Frankly I’m bored of it now. Just do something for Pete’s sake.

Tessie Maybe has piddled around for almost three years and achieved nothing at all. She has bowed and scraped among the empty bottles at Juncker’s feet and humiliated herself and us and gained nothing but notoriety as the most useless Prime Monster this country has ever seen.

If there is a Tory party after the next election, it’ll be sharing a seat with the Greens.

This so-called ‘plan’ is a nonsense. She had to threaten her cabinet with instant dismissal and walking home if they shot it down at the beginning. As I say about socialism, if you have to force people to comply with your way of thinking, that’s a really good indication that you’re the one who’s wrong.

She put it before Parliament. The answer was a resounding ‘fuck off’. So she changed it, apparently. Maybe she put it in Comic Sans font and added a few smileys. Then she put it up to a vote again. This time the answer was… ‘fuck off’. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result defines something, doesn’t it?

So now what? She dare not call a General Election. She, and the rest of her party, must know they will be utterly wiped out. Those who left Labour and the Tories to form the People’s Front of Peckham (or was it the Peckham’s People’s Front?) will also be deleted from Parliament at the next election and they bloody well know it.

Labour are desperate for a general election since this is their absolute best chance of winning it, even with Jerry Cordite, the Bomber’s Champion, at the helm. If they replace him with someone sensible they’d walk it – but do they have anyone sensible left?

Their deputy leader, Tom Watson, has just been expressing his delight at the ban on advertising of Freddos to children. If you haven’t heard of Freddos, they are tiny chocolate frogs designed and marketed as a small chocolate treat for children. They are so well known they don’t really need to advertise, at least in the UK. In response, I have bought a Fistful of Freddos and will be devising a competition in the coming days where I set up pictures and you have to work out which film they depict. I’ll have a few to get you started, like The Freddo Centipede and A Freddo on Elm Street so you get the idea, then you have to guess the rest. The prize will be a book – and what could be more appropriate for a comedy of absurdity than Lee Bidgood’s ‘you’ll be fine’?

It’ll take a few days to set up but get your film knowledge in shape and ready, and remember, key words will be replaced with ‘Freddo’.You want to ban advertising? Ha!

There is nobody left in Parliament who is worth voting for. Change the lot. Put in the Monster Raving Loonies and the Church of the Militant Elvis with the equally loony Greens in opposition and at least we’d have a laugh while the country slides into the abyss.

All this talk of taking ‘no deal’ off the table… is nonsense. It’s not on the table. If we get to March 29th without a deal, we leave without a deal. It’s not optional, it’s the default. You cannot just say it won’t happen.

Unless you are saying we aren’t leaving at all. Which is what all those wanting ‘no deal’ off the table are really saying.

In the end it doesn’t even matter. Look at France, Sweden, Germany, Italy… all of them. It’s falling apart. People are realising they are being screwed over by a minority of politicians all over Europe and indeed, over much of the world. It’s all going to implode.

Leave, stay in, doesn’t matter now. There’ll soon be nothing to stay in. And the end will probably be nasty.

If Tessie Maybe had an ounce of sense she would have jumped ship two years ago, and let Audi, BMW and the rest pressure the EU into coming up with a sensible deal. She has no sense at all and putting ‘my way or the highway’ into the Prime Monster’s job was the most stupid thing the Tory party could ever have done. But they did it and now they’ll have to live on the dole or in Corbyn’s Gulags regretting it.

Next they will vote on whether ‘no deal’ is a thing. If they vote that it isn’t, they have to beg the EU for an extension that will cost us a billion pounds a month.

They really, really don’t want to be a party any more, do they?

At the next election, let’s help them achieve their goal of political oblivion. But not by voting for Labour or any other established party. Vote for the loony fringe parties or independents.

Take it into total chaos. It’s the only way to break this cycle.

Cashless

Don’t panic, I’m not skint again.

There is a lot of talk lately about an increasingly cashless society. Some pubs have already taken the decision to accept no cash and I would certainly never visit one. My way of avoiding overspending in pubs was to take a limited amount of cash with me. When it ran out, I’d go home.

I couldn’t help but imagine what a tipsy me would do if presented with unlimited drink because I was paying for it all with a credit card. The expensive single malt whiskies would no longer be ‘out of budget’ and there would be nothing but closing time to stop me.

Let’s be honest here. How many have gone to the pub intending to have two beers and then find that those two beers have switched off the common sense pathways in the brain? The only sensible way to proceed, if you are prone to a ‘the hell with it’ attitude, is to take limited cash. When it’s gone, it’s time to go home. While you can still walk.

Even so, I wouldn’t call for those pubs to be forced to accept cash. I rarely visit anyway since the smoking ban, so it’s unlikely to have a big impact on me – and unlike the antismokers, I believe a private business should be at liberty to decide who it wants to serve and how. If they don’t want to take cash, fine. Losing my limited business won’t affect them at all, and anyway, they chucked out me, along with all the other smokers, over a decade ago.

Of more concern is the growing number of shops who are going cashless. Oh I can see the appeal from the shop’s point of view – no point robbing a shop with no cash, and no need to endure the glares of others in the bank queue while you hand over many bags of coins. So yes, there is an appeal in going cashless – for the shop.

Would I use them? Well, if the likes of Aldi went cashless I might not notice for a while. That’s usually a weekly shop, often with some added weirdness from Aldi’s Aisle of Wonder, and I pay by card. I wouldn’t notice a transition to cashless until the queue is held up by someone at the front with a bottle of milk and a pack of biscuits, equipped only with a ten pound note. The resulting fracas would certainly be noticeable.

An awful lot of people don’t have credit or debit cards. Refuse to allow them to use cash and they will starve.

I don’t use a card if I’m in Local Shop for a pint of milk and a pie. I don’t want my card statement cluttered up with a lot of tiny transactions I won’t remember making. How will I spot a fraudulent transaction in that lot?

It does happen. It happened to me once. I didn’t lose anything because the card company spotted the unusual activity and called me. The transactions were cancelled, they blocked my card and sent me a new one.

The thing is, my card was blocked at once but it was a few days before the new one arrived. In a cashless world I would, for those few days, have been unable to pay for anything. If there had been an urgent bill it would have been paid late and late payment of bills damages your credit rating. A bad credit rating and you cannot get a credit card.

Basically, the cashless society would delete people from the economy. Not just the feckless, the spendthrift, the bad credit risk. Anyone could lose their card or have their details stolen and have that coincide with a large bill coming due. It doesn’t matter how much you have in the bank if you lose your only means of accessing it.

Sure, implanted payment chips will mean you can’t lose it or leave it at home. Contactless cards are only one step away from implanted chips. Doesn’t stop someone stealing your chip by cutting your hand off though.

No cash, and every transaction can be logged and recorded. Everything you buy is on record. Every penny of income is taxed. That birthday present money Auntie transferred to your account is income, matey. You pay tax, and Auntie pays tax on it too.

Tax could of course be massively simplified. Forget income tax, VAT, all the rest. Every transaction can be taxed in transit. Every one. Nobody will mind, because nobody will notice. There’ll be no need to fill out a tax form at the end of the year. The taxman already took his cut.

Lifestyle control, the Puritan dream, will be so much simpler too. Buying too much booze, too many burgers, overdoing it on the butter and jam? Someone will be round to see you and you cannot deny it, it’s all on record. Alternatively, your card’s access to disapproved-of things will simply be limited. Try to buy an extra beer and the shop staff can proclaim your rampant alcoholism to the whole store. Won’t that be fun?

A cashless society is a totally controlled society. You cannot take a bus or a train without the government knowing where you are going. You cannot buy a chocolate bar without risking a lecture from Public Health. You cannot refuse any medical procedure because if you haven’t paid for it, you haven’t attended. You can be tracked and controlled in every aspect of your life.

Try to rebel. All the authorities have to do is block your chip code on their servers. You cannot buy nor sell, you can’t even access the money in your account. Step out of line and you’re on the streets and begging isn’t going to work when nobody has any cash. Passers-by cannot even buy an extra coffee to give you. Their caffeine allowance won’t let them.

“Don’t be silly. People will never agree to going cashless and having chips implanted.”

Pfft. They are fighting to be first. This is not going to be imposed, at least not until it reaches a density where you really cannot function without it. Even then it won’t need force – you either join the collective or starve on the streets. Nobody wants your folding money any more.

Once you’re in, you stay in line or your access to money simply gets turned off.

We’ve seen the demonisation of cash for a while now. Remember how bacteria and viruses were found on the paper notes, and how every note in circulation had detectable levels of cocaine on it? Oh they weren’t saying ‘get rid of it’ back then. They were conditioning you to say it.

The next step will also involve drugs. Criminal gangs can’t use cards to buy drugs, and they don’t accept American Express when selling them. It’s all cash-only. Get rid of cash and most criminal operations will be impossible.

It’s not true, of course. The visible gangs, the low level drug thug with his machete and his street mob will be out of business but the top guys will experience no more than an inconvenience. You don’t get to meet these guys, they do not fight rivals in MacDonald’s and they don’t come out of the shadows with a pocket full of baggies. The street gangs will be of no more use to them, it’ll be suited salesmen and hackers running drugs without cash.

It’s not hard. When cashless becomes a thing, fake accounts and forged chips will be on the streets in a week. These are the people who have long forged cash, then cheques, then credit cards, and emptied back accounts remotely. They won’t be fazed by the next stage.

Your dealer won’t be on a street corner with a long leather coat and bling, he’ll be in an office with a computer on his desk.

So, you have to attend a dentist appointment but you’d rather get a little ‘pick-me-up’ instead. Your dealer simply logs into his fake-dentist account and scans your chip for the bill. He hands you the goods and off you go. Your record shows you visited a dentist that day, as you were required to, and paid. That’s all.

Of course, if your record eventually shows you’ve had every tooth extracted three times, someone might notice – but I seriously doubt it. The system will be run by office juniors, not dentists. The system will not flag you up if you are showing total compliance and the computer doesn’t know how many teeth you have.

The same will work for booze runners and cigarette sellers. You visited the doctor, dentist, optician. You were scanned at the jobcentre. You bought tofu. All the computer knows is what it is told, and it cares nothing for who is doing the telling.

So when you hear that going cashless will stop crime, don’t believe it. Computer based thievery and many other crimes happen now. They already know how to do it.

Going cashless will not control criminals and it isn’t intended to.

It’s intended to control you.

Extermoonate!

Around 1990, I worked alongside some scientists who studied methane emissions from ruminants, particularly (but not exclusively) cows. I wasn’t directly involved, I was working on probiotics for pigs, but we are talking the same scientific group.

Their aim was to reduce methane emissions from cows, in the name of global warming, because otherwise we’d all be dead by 2000. Must have worked then, eh?

Nope. Not at all. The meddling kept getting funded but the cows farted and belched unhindered. My suggestion of adding a spark plug at either end to burn off emissions and simultaneously create double-ended dragons or self-cooking steaks was scoffed at. No imagination, those scientists.

Besides, the methane and CO2 belched and farted out of cows is as nothing compared to what comes out of mud flats, wetland, bogs, marshes, swamps… and when a subsea methane clathrate collapses, the cows become utterly irrelevant for that whole year. Sometimes you even get to see swamp methane as will-o-the-wisps when a bit of naturally-produced phosphine sets it off. Worrying about cow farts was, and still is, pointless but if you throw money at scientists they will find a way to use it.

To be fair, these days they have to accept funding. Their jobs depend on it. The days of pure research are gone and I count myself lucky to have been part of them. Now, you have to have a commercially viable aim for a project. Research for pure interest, and the inventions that came as byproducts of that, are gone for good.

Well, after a few decades of failing to stop cows farting (plugging the holes just makes them inflate and float away) the only solution left is the one that was obvious all along. In the name of conservation, in the name of ending animal cruelty, the plan is… kill all the cows.

The Amazing Occasional Cortex’s ‘Green New Deal’ is neither green nor new. There have been decades of research into stopping cows farting and belching methane and nothing has worked. Even if it did, all those wild ruminants would fill the void very quickly. So we’d have to kill all of them too.

If we do, their niche will be filled by other species and since most animals produce methane to some extent, and all of them produce CO2, the only way to save life on the planet is to exterminate all life on the planet.

Including insects and microbes. They represent an enormous biomass and they all produce CO2. They all have to go if we are to truly reduce CO2 emissions because shutting a few power plants is going to make no difference at all overall.

Makes sense? Has any of the ‘progressive’ claptrap ever made any sense?

No, it makes no sense. In the 70s we were heading into a global ice age due to rising CO2, then we were heading into a planet with a runaway greenhouse effect like Venus because of rising CO2, now we have ‘climate change’ because of rising CO2 so they can claim a win either way.

And they have an army of acolytes hanging on every word. Believe! Listen to our High Preists with their white coats and hockey sticks! Live as we direct or the Green God will smite thee! The End is Nigh!

I have tried to point out to these people that this is the basis of every major religion on the planet and that they are members of the Church of Climatology. Do they listen? Of course not. Who would willingly deny their own religion?

Now, the Occasional Cortex says we have twelve years to kill all the cows and abandon all technology. All those advances, all those innovations, must be discarded. Yes, she tweets this from an iPhone while drinking Starbucks and checking the time on a posh watch. And to think, people say Americans don’t understand irony.

Is that what happened to those who built the ancient structures we don’t know how to build now? Did they fall for the same scam? Did they abandon their technology because of farting cows and destroy all records of their inventions to make the world a safer place to bang rocks together and collect berries?

There are so many ruins under the Amazon forest that it is becoming clear that it’s not an ancient forest at all. It’s a runaway weed patch. The ‘lungs of the planet’ are not a discrete organ all in one place. It includes that lawn outside your window, the weeds growing in hte cracks in the pavement, the algae around your windows after a wet season. All of it is absorbing CO2 because all of it needs CO2 to live.

We are all to become vegetarian to save the planet by eating its lungs. Isn’t that a fun image? Well it can’t work. Those grasslands the cattle graze on are not used for crops because those areas are only good enough to grow grass. You can’t plough a field when the bedrock is six inches down but grass will grow there and cows will turn that into something you can eat. Vegetarianism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

There will be climate change, there always has been and always will be, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Not a thing. You adapt to it or you die. Nature doesn’t give a damn either way. If the human race is eradicated, another species will take our place. Just like the cows.

If you want to worry about humanity getting wiped out, you’d do better to worry about what’s currently happening between India and Pakistan than worry about half a degree of temperature change or a millimetre rise in sea levels. But hey, if that’s what floats your boat…

This planet has gone through changes that have put cities under the sea and the sea bed at the tops of mountains and humans have never, and will never, have any control over any of it. If the planet decides to have an earthquake or a tsunami or a volcano, the best you can hope for is getting enough warning to get out of the way. You cannot control this.

That is the part that the control freaks really cannot stand. We have absolutely no control over nature. None at all. So they have to pretend we do. They pretend we are ‘causing an ice age’ or ‘causing global warming’ or ‘causing climate change’ because they cannot stand not being in control. I’m surprised they haven’t blamed dinosaur farts for deflecting an asteroid so it crashed into Earth and killed them all.

We really don’t have hat much effect on the planet. Sure, we had cities with smog and some places still do but that’s a local effect. Not a global one. Cleaning up our cities to get rid of the smog is a Good Thing but really, only for ourselves. The planet does not care.

If we managed to get this planet to a state where we cannot live on it any more, nature will not care. It will replace us with species that can live on it in its new state and carry on going around the sun as usual.

Taxation will not affect that one jot. What does the rock we stand on care about our money? What does any other species on the planet care about it? Hell, there are whole populations of humans who don’t care about it.

Going back to living in huts made of dung and working dawn to dusk on subsistence farming is not going to make the slightest difference to climate change. It will only affect our ability to cope with it.

We really are not Gods. We do not control the weather and we have absolutely no control whatsoever over the planet. We are hairless monkeys with fancy toys and smugness and that is it.

The planet doesn’t care if we wipe out our species with our own self-importance. The loss of a species is nothing to Nature.

It can simply make another one.