Weep at the stupidity of the intelligentsia

First the good news. The Plan has worked. I am now solvent for the foreseeable future and will be able to reduce my day job and spend more time writing. I can also accumulate some savings again and will have a zero balance on my credit card once more. Seven years of penury has finally come to an end.

And now… the bad news.

There is salt in your food. Yes, really. Don’t believe it? Well, see for yourself.

saltClicking should biggify the image

The logical conclusion of that little snippet is that two slices of Dominos pizza or a Big Mac and fries are a healthier choice than vegetarian soup made out of tomatoes and leaves. Which is fine with me (although I prefer to buy a pizza and cook it at home, it’s cheaper and I can add more cheese, chillis, pepperoni and salt).

It’s also a lie, as far as I’m concerned. I add a lot of salt to chips (fries, for the weird countries out there). A lot. I rarely add any salt to soup – admittedly this is in large part caused by my rare intake of soup but even so.

This is a comparison of utterly different foods. I suppose it is possible to make a Big Mac and fries soup if you have a good blender, but you’ll never get a vegetarian soup to sit still in a bread roll. Take my word for it, soup sandwiches are definitely a failed experiment.

In days of yore, sailors would subsist on barrels of salted roast pork or beef. Not just a bit of salt rubbed in. This was a barrel of roast meat filled to the brim with salt. There was a very good reason for this.

Bacteria can only grow if there is available water. There can be as much water as you like but if it’s tied up in dissolving things then it is not available for metabolism. This is how jam works and why low sugar jam soon becomes a fungus jungle. The sugar is there not to feed the microbes, but to tie up all the water so the bugs can’t get at it.

Likewise with the salt. Artificial preservatives were all taken away a long time ago so if you want things to last, you have to use the old, natural methods and one of them is salt. It ties up the water so the bugs can’t grow. In particular, the one they wanted to avoid was botulism.

This is food poisoning, a distinct and very different thing from food borne diseases like Salmonella. The beastie in question, Clostridium botulinum, does not cause any infection. The bacterium is, in itself, harmless. However, when it grows in food it produces 15 different neurotoxins and not all of them are destroyed by cooking. It’s not the bug that gets you, it’s the poison it left behind.

Clostridium botulinum cannot grow in a high salt environment. It also prefers a no-oxygen environment such as, say, the inside of a can of soup… unless it’s salty.

Your choice is simple. Take in a lot of salt, knowing perfectly well that as long as you drink enough water your kidneys can easily remove the excess – or even believing that it will make you die a few years earlier than you would have anyway. Or, take the risk of getting a serious dose of botulism and dying in agony tomorrow. It’s not a choice most sensible people would have to spend a lot of time considering.

Or you can just get the burger and fries and lots of the tiny salt packets. It’s by far the safer option.


Slightly less bad news on the Government’s masters’ plan to mould us all into the British Standard Human. It seems the Government are not quite so keen on the idea as the likes of Jimbo Oliver would like to force them to be. The chubby champion of slimness is not getting his petulant way as fast as he wants. How dare the Government presume to question his brainless demands?

Well, they have. Or they haven’t. The British government, as usual, are dodging the issue.

Keep dodging, Cameroid. It’s what you’re expert at. Maybe you can induce heart failure in the fat heartless bastards. It’s worth a try.


Finally the very bad news. CynaraeStMary must return to Denmark soon. The longship awaits. It’s not such a terrible thing really. I will be travelling over there within two weeks and now have the funding to do it.

All I need now is a place with fewer stairs and a garden. A place more little-dog and underdog friendly.

It shouldn’t take too long.



More smoke tax

As if there isn’t enough already…

Cancer Research UK (CRUK)  today demanded that the government ‘make the tobacco industry pay for the damage it causes and help reduce the number of people killed by its deadly product’ by slapping a levy of 20 pence on a standard pack of cigarettes.

A deadly product. An entire industry of killing people. Do they want it made illegal? Of course not.

As this fine rant points out (tipped by our visiting librarian), CRUK and their gangster pals don’t ever want tobacco banned. They don’t ever want the number of smokers to reduce to zero. How will they explain cancer and every other illness then? Who will pay for the smoking cessation industry when nobody smokes? They’ll all be out of a job, and their decades of lies will be exposed when nobody smokes and people still die anyway.

Cigarettes are already taxed at 400% of their basic price. And you can’t smoke them anywhere. Yet they are not illegal and nobody is asking for them to be made illegal. They just want tighter and tighter controls. They just want more and more tax, more and more control, and it will never stop because our leaders are gullible, compliant idiots who just do as the bullies direct.

CRUK, ASH and all the rest are shitting themselves over Electrofag. Not because it’s dangerous – it quite obviously isn’t – but because smokers are moving over to it and ignoring the stupid patches, gum and suicide pills that never worked anyway. I have several Electrofags. They are fun gadgets.

I haven’t moved over completely to vaping because I like the real ones. I don’t take Electrofag to work because I’d still have to go outside to use it and if I have to go outside anyway, I’m having a real one.

Sure, the risks are bound to be less with steam than with smoke but the risks of smoke were always way overhyped anyway. The human race grew up in fire and smoke. In caves, in smoky huts and cottages, and until very recently indeed in houses with coal fires. Smoke didn’t kill us off. It was always part of our lives.

In fact it could well be the sudden lack of it that’s causing our recent health problems, but no scientist would dare investigate that. Most can’t even bring themselves to consider the possibility.

So, we now have a whole lobby trying to kill off Electrofag. No surprise. It ‘looks like smoking’ and involves people enjoying themselves which is not allowed. The tobacco industry don’t want this competitor. The antismokers don’t want to let their favourite whipping boys escape. The huge smoking cessation industry could be put out of work! They all want to get rid of Electrofag.

None of them want to get rid of smokers. They all depend on our continued existence.

Really, vapers, you are going to get it a lot worse than smokers ever did. They just like to beat us up once in a while. They want you lot exterminated. We did try to warn you…

We also said right from the start that the tobacco template would be applied to other disapproved-of things. Booze, naturally. It’s a standard Puritan target every time. Food too. You can’t have the good stuff. Eat only a bowl of grain mashed in water once a day and you too will enter Heaven. Probably quite soon.

The Cameroid is now seriously considering a sugar tax. Naturally the tea supply in the House of Commons will have tax-free sugar and MPs will be able to claim the cost of their home sugar on expenses. It’s not for them. It’s for us. As always.

Yet more tax on tobacco. More on booze soon, as sure as night follows day. Tax on sugar and salt. Unless you’re an MP, in which case the taxes everyone else pays will subsidise your rampant excesses. And they wonder why fewer and fewer people bother to vote now.

It’s all built on a house of cards. Fake science, spin, denial of facts and replacement with made-up rubbish that only an MP could be stupid enough to believe. Nobody checks. Nobody calls the bilious morons to account. They just accept the pronouncements that have been made up on the spot to suit a farcical agenda.

I hope I’m still around when this lot falls apart. It always does, every time. This is a very big house of cards and when it comes down it’s going to be worth watching.

It only takes a nudge on the bottom layer.


The Jolly Ranter

I should make a flag….

Anyway. This is a mixed bag. CynaraeStMary is asleep (shhh) so I was going to do a song post but then I read some stuff and got all high blood pressure and steamy head and well, you know.

A bit of mellow first. The first band I ever saw live.

1978 I think. I was friends with a Chinese guy from Esher, a space cadet from Surrey and a mad bearded dwarf called Grievous Bodily, from Yorkshire, at the time. Well it was Cardiff. It’s like that there.

The next part is not so sweet. Sugar. Again. It’s the new smoking of the week, and it’ll soon be in plain packs behind Doors of Shame along with pretty much everything except lettuce and tofu.

If sugar gets cut in soft drinks, it could (could) prevent lots of future diabetes cases.

Studies have Shown and Experts have Said and by now, we all know that means it’s bollocks.

The study suggests reducing sugar gradually to allow consumers’ taste preferences to adjust.

Or to allow them to just add sugar…

The incentive for the modelling study came from observing the UK’s salt reduction program, which has reduced the salt content of many foods by 40% over five years.

Which is why we just add salt 🙂

It’s a total nonsense, isn’t it? When did it become the role of some unelected, taxpayer-funded arsetongue fudgelicker to tell us how to live and then charge us for their salary? When did it become the role of government to legislate what we can and cannot eat? When did we sign over our lives to the control of others?

If the NHS cannot do its job of healing sick people and has to resort to forcing us into an arbitrary standard mould, why has nobody suggested simply disbanding it? The money we would save would more than cover private health care.

And don’t bleat about ‘the jobless’. The dole currently pays their NI for them so it could just as easily, and probably more cheaply, cover private insurance for them too.

Ah, let’s have a theme song for modern science –

From the same source we see that plain packaging for food might not work as well as it does for cigarettes. Meanwhile those of us who live in the real world know it doesn’t work for cigarettes either. It cuts legitimate sales but not consumption – smokers just get it elsewhere.

And here’s a revelation. We buy what’s in the packet, not the packet itself. You could put Doritos in a pack with pictures of turds on the outside and they’ll still sell. We want the inside, not the outside.

There are things humans like and we’re going to get them no matter what. The three essential things in life will always be sought after and we’ll always get them. As the song says.

Might be a little different for the girls.

Anyway, now it’s not smoking that buggers up your arteries. It’s sugar. Oh yes, sugar now causes heart attacks and you thought it was all down to smoking. Oh dear no, they’ve moved on. Do try to keep up.

It’s all about a tax, of course. Money grabbing bastards. Their supporters think it won’t affect them because they are sugar-free. Nope, you’re not. Look closely at the ingredients of everything you buy. Try making bread without sugar. Go on, it’ll be interesting to watch.

Oh this tax is coming. It’s coming because all politicians have invisible friends in their padded rooms and can’t think too hard because it might shatter the jewels in their milk…

Yes, I did have that on vinyl and yes, it inspired ‘The Spirit of Madness’ in case anyone wonders. Lovely jazz ending.

Even when it sounds like they are giving you a choice, they aren’t. Empower customer choice on portion sizes by telling you to choose smaller ones is control, not empowerment.

No. Just fuck off. I keep seeing the ‘daily allowance of calories’ for men and women everywhere. It used to be ‘recommended intake’ and now its an allowance. It’s insane. I got fat while at a desk job and thin while on a physically active job where I can eat deep fried battered haggis, chips and curry sauce and put on no weight at all. The calorie intake is not a constant. A woman working my job will use a damn sight more calories a day than a politician on his arse telling her what she can eat.

Medical science cannot understand this any more. Computer says no, and that’s all you get from them. Fit the mould. You must fit the mould.

Some of us like to break it.


Nothing sweet about politics

It’s been a week of Puritan insanity. The radio tells us that the medics now claim ‘no safe level of alcohol’ which is not a mistake. Not a misunderstanding. Not a misreading of research data.

It is a lie. An absolute and utter lie, and they know it even as it passes their Righteously zombie-chapped dry cracked unkissed lips. There is no error in the medical world, there is only deliberate falsehood and propaganda. They are not mistaken. They are lying. If you trust them they will kill you because that is all they do now. Fit the mould or be exterminated. There is no more medicine and no more science. Learn that or die.

You only have to worry about dying prematurely if you put your trust in modern medicine. Killing you off is what they do.

With predictable money grabbing greed, the Cameroid has changed his mind about a tax on sugar. It has nothing to do with obesity and everything to do with grabbing more money from us all. The fattophobes claim the opposite but as usual, they are lying. They think nobody sees them but we do, and we won’t forget this new Nazism just as we haven’t forgotten the last one.

But Tam Fry from the National Obesity Forum and expert advisor for campaign group Action on Sugar told us to have an impact the tax should be considerably higher than the proposed 20%.

Oh but it’s not about revenue raising to pay Tam Fry’s taxpayer funded salary. It’s about health. If you believe that, even for a moment, then frankly you are a fucking idiot. it is all – ALL – about paying for Tam Fry’s taxpayer funded whining nagging control freakery. It is about nothing else and never has been. Just like all the other taxpayer funded fake charities.

Now the Cameroid is about to prove he is no more than a sweaty flaccid cheesy bellend on the end of a sadly short and floppy shaft by giving in to the demands of made up science about made up problems by people who are barely worthy of the word ‘human’.

Really. They will tax sugar. That should get Tam Fry a nice retirement nest egg but apart from that, nothing else will change. This is utter idiocy and anyone who isn’t dim enough to be a politician or a medic can surely see it.

Can we have an IQ minimum for members of Parliament yet? It must surely be overdue.

I suggest 80. It would be a vast improvement.

When there is nowhere to hide…

The little story, ‘For Whom the Bells Jingle‘, is now available in Spanish, thanks to Heber Rizzo. Many thanks are due, since I don’t know enough of any other language to even attempt a full-story translation. If I tried with my painfully limited French it would turn into a story about a pipe-fitter caught behind the bike sheds with a barrel of herrings and a cheese grater… you know, I’m going to file that under ‘future utterly mad story ideas’.

I have been sent a new bank card. This one allows ‘contactless payment’ which I don’t want but there seems to be no ‘don’t want’ option. I only use the card to extract cash from the machines so I can buy stuff without being tracked. It’s best the Puritans have no record of just how much whisky I buy. They’d send the NHS Lifestyle Correction Team straight round to see me.

I also don’t want any kind of ID card, especially not one with a microchip in it. Once those are in place in Scotland (and they are on the way) then we will all have to show ID for every purchase of booze, baccy and food. Every purchase will be recorded. Every overpurchase of anything will be scrutinised.

It will work like this. Shops already ‘think 25’ which means that if you look under 25, they will ask for ID. Even though the legal age for booze and baccy is 18. If you can’t show ID then you get no booze or baccy. Plans are already afoot to apply the same restrictions to salty or sugary foods. Which is pretty much all of them, since the only food that contains no salt is sugar, and vice versa.

The Cheeldren get hold of booze and cigarettes anyway, and will continue to get hold of Coca-Cola when the legal fizz-drinking age is raised to 30. Therefore the occasional ID request is not working. Therefore, ID must be requested at every purchase, even if the customer is on a Zimmer frame and looks seriously in need of ironing.

It’s the fairest response, isn’t it? It’s no trouble after all – everyone will have an ID card and be legally required to carry it everywhere anyway. So who could object? You take your wallet out and hold it to the scanner and the scanner charges your contactless card while checking your contactless ID. You won’t even notice it happening. Who could refuse? It’s for the cheeeldren…

Everything you buy will be recorded and checked. My whisky purchases will flag me up within a week. They will come round to re-educate me, but I will show them my collection of whiskies, untouched, row upon row of bottles full of cold tea. No, they cannot taste it to check. They are an investment and must not be touched. Besides, I cannot encourage drinking! That would be illegal!

In the US, they already track every car’s movement with ANPR. It’s no consolation to know that the UK does this too. It’s not enough for them though. Sure, you know where the cars are going and who they belong to, but who else is in them? Is there a smoker in there, are there cheeldren getting slowly kippered? Pinpoint those and the police know exactly who to harass.

How will they know? Those chips will be scanned by RFID readers as you travel. They will have a database of people who buy tobacco and cross-reference it with car ownership anyway. The scanners will flag up a smoker travelling as a passenger in a car and alert the local patrol to pull them over and check.

Bought booze yesterday, driving today? Expect to get stopped and breathalysed. Even if the booze is at home, unopened.

Driving after buying salty food? You’ll get pulled over by the Health Squad who will check your blood pressure and determine whether you are fit to continue driving. If you’d already been pulled over by the Booze Patrol and the Smoke Screeners you’d probably fail that test.

They won’t actually ban tobacco, booze, sugar, salt, etc. They’ll just make your life impossible if you like those things. You won’t want to give them up but eventually you will have to, just to be able to live without constant harassment.

So the ID cards – with microchips – are coming to Scotland on the sly. The Spiteful Nannying Party are sneaking them through. Eventually they will be implanted and the drones will queue all night to be first to get one. The rest of us will be pressured into it because eventually you won’t be able to open your house or start your car or get a job without one.

The SNP/Labour fight is engineered. There is no real difference between them. It doesn’t matter which of those two you vote for, you will get ID cards and total social Puritan control in Scotland. Vote for anyone else.

I knew I was right to set Panoptica in Scotland. This is where it starts.

(On course for an edited first draft by May despite no days off work this year. I’ve been taking the tiny Acer with me on days I know won’t be busy).



Have to sleep early because I leave for work at the crack o’noon tomorrow. If this shift pattern holds then there will be no work before midday. I can live with that. It allows evening whisky, although not to excess as long as work is every day.

It’s also Saturday night so most people will be out for the evening. I’ll save the ranting for tomorrow night, when you’ve all recovered from tonight.

Tonight, just a few links…

First, something important. N2D has links to their responses to the ‘consultation’ document on stopping leaf sales. You can download them and respond to the consultation anonymously. I opted for the Word version because I can’t edit PDF.

VGIF has found yet more proof that politicians are stupid enough to believe any old crap.

Orphans of Liberty waxes philosophical on freedoms and rights.

Subrosa unearths another form of political idiocy. You have to wonder, when you look at some of the people in power, how they manage to find their way out of bed in the mornings.

Finally, The Spine has found his nemesis – on the checkouts.

Right. Time to finish off this glass of Delaney’s (Irish whiskey tonight for a change) and try to sleep.

Bet I can’t.


Sugar gives you cancer.

Update on the job front. Manager has accepted my resignation gracefully although at this stage she still thinks she can persuade me otherwise. Nope. However I have cunningly averted her rage by suggesting that I might resume working there on a new contract after resigning this one. That is a possibility. I could consider working Saturday and Sunday just to get me out of the house. Working alone for long periods can drive you nuts.

The weekend would be the hard part for her to cover since the (mostly) youngsters she is likely to get applying are not going to want to work weekends. I can have Smoky-Drinky on Wednesday, the weekend means nothing to me. However I am going to let the resignation take full effect. I want to see how the company handle my final pay before deciding whether to go back. I have not heard good things on that score.

We are now at the stage where Mopman works mornings to mid afternoon and then I work the rest to closedown. It is far too much for what they are paying. Food grade cleaning is not a trivial job and if the company want the best, they are not going to get them on the wages they offer. Especially not at this workload.

On Panoptica, I have settled on the main character being 10538, with a quote from ELO’s ‘10538 Overture’ as a starting credit. That song was one of the things that set the story in motion, a long time ago. Everyone has a number, not a name. Nobody needs a name when every interaction involves your ID number. That’s all the identification you need. It also reinforces the ‘prison’ aspect of Panoptica.

Watch for that becoming law soon. Every time I say something about Panoptica, the Mail has the story the next day.

Right. Digressions out of the way, here’s the meaning of the title.

Now that we are to give up carbohydrates, especially sugar, the Church of Science has unearthed new scriptures to support their latest fatwa.

And… it’s crap. At least, the report on what is actually likely to be real science is crap. The real science does not look like it’s all that good either.

One. They used mice. Mice are not human. They do not react well to human diets.

Two. They used mutant mice who are genetically predisposed to a hereditary form of colon cancer. If you are part of a family where this cancer is hereditary you will need to take more care of your pipework than someone who is not at such hereditary risk. The findings can only apply to those who have a family history of the botty-lumps and strictly speaking, only if you and your family are genetically mutated mice. I don’t think they have WiFi in those cages but you never know. Perhaps the mice do read this. Perhaps there’ll be a comment one day of ‘Eeek, eek eek’.

If you do have such a history, get the arse camera inserted at the first opportunity. Caught early, this one is easy to snip out. Caught late and you get your arse sewn shut and the unfashionable version of the bum-bag on your side forever – if you’re lucky.

Three. Butyrate causes gut cell proliferation. This is very, very old news. It does not necessarily cause cancer but if you are genetically predisposed, it can make the lumps grow faster. Normally it just causes rapid gut cell shedding and replacement. In an environment permanently coated with digestive enzymes, decayed food, shit and bacteria, this is actually a good thing. Especially since many pathogenic bacteria start out by sticking to the gut surface. If you are rapidly shedding and replacing the surface cells, bye-bye pathogen.

The whole ‘butyrate causes cancer’ bollocks was comprehensively shattered at least twenty years ago. Here it is again, back to see us like the one that won’t flush.

Now it is linked to carbohydrate. It can’t be directly linked to sugar at once because free sugars are not going to make it to the colon. Starch will, especially retrograde starch (heated and cooled, as in frozen oven chips) but mostly that’s a good thing too. Well, unless it’s too much, in which case the gas production could get you banned from elevators and enclosed spaces, in case you burst them.

You need that butyrate from your gut bacteria. It encourages your gut to shed and replace its surface cells, and shed attached pathogens and orther nasties from the surface at the same time. If you have a family history of colon cancer you’d need to be a bit more careful about it but if you don’t, get them chips in the oven now.

In Scotland they send you tests for botty-lumps on your 50th birthday (happy birthday, please shit on the card and send it back) and every two years after that. In England and Wales they don’t start the poo tax until you are 60 (we want 10%, squeeze it out and hand it over). For most of us this is fine. For those who have families with a history of the botty lumps, get to a doctor at the very first sign of a red-spattered pan and demand the arse camera. Do not wait for their crappy birthday card.

It might only be haemorrhoids. Unpleasant but not dangerous. If the lumps are in the family, do not assume.

But butyrate does not cause cancer. It might make it worse if you have the wrong genes but it does not cause it.

When they get around to ‘sugar causes bowel cancer’, as they will, remember that your gut is a very long pipe and it’s grabbing everything it possibly can absorb, all the way down. The sugars are gone long before they get to the colon. Any not absorbed have been used by bacteria (which are present along the entire gut, yes, even in your acidic stomach).

The last paragraph of the article, a direct quote from the research paper, is true. They foiund that a lot of carbohydrate makes bowel cancer worse in mice genetically predisposed to bowel cancer. That is all the experiment could conclude.

Now sit back and watch it spin.


Their arses must be huge…

…because they can fit their enormous heads inside them. And still speak. Where’s that voice coming from? Why, it appears to emanate from that vast fundament over there. I hadn’t seen it before because it was blocking out the light.

First up (so to speak) are the jabbering rectal orifices belonging to two champions of the most Righteous campaign known as Action on Restricting Sugar Everywhere

fat1I hope clicking enlarges it. Wouldn’t want to embarass such a large-headed control freak with a miniscule quote.

‘No delays, no excuses’. Just who does this pompous ass think he is? Kim Jong-Carbs? The UK ‘requires’ to be run by those elected to run it (even if they aren’t very good at it), not by some tinpot dictator with a single issue to bleat about and no answer to anything beyond ‘Ban it! Ban it all now! Wibblewibblewibble!’

He has a friend, you know. A man who is likely to lead the breakaway faction, Action on Sugar and Sport –

fat2They ‘manage to associate’ sugary products with sport? He means, of course, that they pay the sport a load of money and in return, the sport has that company logo on their shirts/cars/tiddlywinks or whatever. Every industry does this. Well, except the tobacco industry who will be smiling at the template now being applied to those who supported it first time round.

The sugar industry response amounts to ‘Well yeah, if you eat too much sugar you’ll get fat, but if you eat too much of anything you’ll get fat. Sugar is just one source of calories and, basically, these people are talking out of their arses’. Oh, there are signs of attempted compromise but surely, by now, even the dimmest corporate suit must have realised that the Righteous don’t do ‘compromise’. Show any sign of weakness and they are at your throat. No compromise. Play the game by their rules or you will lose.

Ask these Righteous who voted for them and who is paying for their campaign. Withrdaw all funding from all sports – and everything else – and point out that the macrocephalics of ARSE and especially their SS platoon ASS have forced you to do it. Name them. Individually.

Do people want that funding restored? ASS say the people don’t want that funding restored. Sorry, hurdlers, you’re going to be jumping over old palettes; and car racers, try not to run out of petrol halfway around the track. We can’t help you. The People don’t want us to. They have spoken through their ASS.

Just do it. One of you industries, just damn well do it. Call the bluff. Take them exactly at their word. Don’t point out that your bags of sugar already have ‘sugar’ written on them. Make it huge. All capitals. SUGAR! THE SWEETEST DEATH! RID YOUR MOUTH OF DISEASE-CAUSING TEETH TODAY! I bet sales will rocket. Oh, I almost forgot. Put a skull on every packet. A skull with no teeth. A fat one.

Plain packs. Bring it on. For everything. The People want it to be so. That’s what the Righteous say. Plain packs for everything. Christmas decorations in olive green with warnings about mince pies and Yule logs and pictures of fat Santas having their stomachs pumped and pissed elves throwing up in the gutter… that’s where it’s going anyway. Take it there now. Let’s see what The People really have to say about it all.

Then tell The People who has really been paying for it all. Show them who has done it all and where their money comes from. Then give The People back their guns.

Plain packaging on cigarettes is going to affect very few people. As a smoker, it’s not even going to affect me. I use a cigarette case and tube/roll my own. A tin for my rolling baccy and papers, a tin without warnings (Tin without warnings, fags without fear, I feel a Peter Gabriel corruption coming on) I’ve been entirely on plain packaging for over two years now. No warnings either, and no fake photos. Although my Bull brand fag-tin has an added label that reads ‘If my smoking offends you… don’t breathe’. There you go. Fair warning. Ignore it at your peril.

Once plain packaging applies to the middle class dinner-party wine and all that Sainsbury olive oil and Marky Sparky’s posh grub, even Harrods and the posh people’s Aldi,  Fortnum and Mason, then we will hear some rumblings.

‘Oh, but it won’t apply to us’ whine the champagne socialists. It applies to Havana cigars, you idiots. It is going to apply to Moet & Chandon as well as it will apply to Carlsberg Special Brew. It is going to apply to Filet Mignon in the same way as it will apply to that 24-pack of frozen (maybe)-beef burgers. There have never been exceptions.

Incidentally, I managed to get the stuck-on warning label off that Havana cigar box without damaging the box. No warnings now. The cigars are safe to smoke.

Is there room for another enormous cranium in this post, I wonder? A surgeon called Ram Mouthy is to present a bill to the House of Quacks demanding that Electrofags are banned just like all other forms of smoking. Even though they don’t produce any smoke at all. He will prove to this health conference that the smoking ban was never about health and everyone outside the conference will realise that, while nobody inside the conference will ever grasp this simple truth. These people think they are smarter than us. They think that way because they are too dim to think otherwise.

Electrofags look a bit like smoking, therefore they must be banned because… well, just because. That is the extent of the modern medics’ argument. That really is all of it. There is no more.

Did you know that the highest component of British government is the House of Quacks? Well, they think it is. It’s so high and mighty that we plebs are not trusted to vote for its members. Rather like the EU. Only other massive heads (and only if they have the required roomy rectum to store it in) can vote on their planet. It’s like a gathering of the Mekon clan but it’s not a glass bubble the huge head is inside. Not unless it’s a rather stinky bubble with shit in it.

These are supposed to be the top medics. I wouldn’t trust any of them to circumcise a dog.

We had a Jewish Dalmation when I was small. He didn’t start out Jewish. He tried to jump a barbed wire fence and didn’t quite make it. Tell you what, I have never again seen any animal look so sorry for itself. He did go on to produce a litter  of pups (quite some time after the stitches came out and he got past the stage of sitting down really quickly whenever anyone used the phrase ‘the dog’s bollocks’) but he never again jumped any fence without looking at it first.

No smoking. No drinking. No eating. No enjoying anything at all. Go to see a doctor with half the galaxy growing out of the side of your head and if you don’t smoke, it can’t be anything serious. See that doctor with a sprained shoulder and say you smoke, and it’s smoking-related and you get tested for everything.

We had a guy at one place I worked who was always off sick with one thing or another. Yes, one of those. One of his claims was RSI. While he was away, I made sure to tell everyone that he was off with a bad case of ‘wanker’s wrist’. He never found out who started the rumour.

I’m nearly at the end of this post. I realise the digressions get much worse as the whisky kicks in and time and fatigue progress, but just try to ignore them.

The papers are daily reporting cases where the medics send people home saying there’s not much wrong with them, only to find them dead a few days later. Seriously -and this could save your life – never, never tell a doctor that you have never smoked or drank or chowed down on heavily salted black pudding and a mountain of chips. Even if you have lived a purely Vegan life since birth. Do not tell them that. If you do, they will assume you are faking or are a hypochondriac.

Tell them you once tried a cigarette when you were twelve. It’s enough to set the whole machine in motion. Every time they find a disease they can blame on smoking they get fifty Righteous points to spend on tofu and on holidays in places underground where you can’t get skin cancer, so they will search your entire body for something, anything, that is abnormal.

In any dealings with modern medicine, your salvation lies not in smoking but in saying you do, or once did. The antismokers will not do this. Darwinian natural selection will deal with them, in time.

The Rectal Heads will never die out. They will always be with us. What we need is a government with the balls to say ‘Get lost, we are not giving you money for this made-up shit’.

Maybe the next government. This one is a proven busted flush, like the ones before it.

Or maybe the one after that, or the one after that…

It all depends on how you vote. Measure their arses and their heads and if the latter fits inside the former, don’t vote for them.


Not to eat Flesh nor Fish, that is the Law. Are we not Men?

Everyone will recognise that line from ‘The Island of Dr. Moreau’ by H. G. Wells. A great book but made into a lousy film. I lost my copy a long time ago. Must get another one.

In that story, Dr. Moreau made people. He made them out of animals using surgery and pain, then he sent them to live on another part of the island because none of them were really successful. Well, when you want to make a human, starting with a leopard is just making things difficult for yourself. He did try an ape, which was better but still not a success.

To control his Failed Men (nothing to do with an entirely different short story by, I think, Brian Aldiss) he gave them Laws. A series of statements, each followed by ‘Are we not Men?’ (but he didn’t add ‘We are Devo’) – that was to instill pride and guilt in equal measure. As long as they followed the Laws, they could consider themselves Men, not animals. The Doc had to curb their tendency to revert to type, which would be very dangerous indeed when you have Men made out of bears and tigers.

I never saw any real-life allegory in that story. It was just a story. Maybe ol’ H.G. thought it was just a story too. I wonder if it came from a whisky dream? It does have that quality about it… but I digress and that’s not a good thing. It’s going to be hard to force this post to a point anyway!

Lately there have been more and more news stories telling us how eating meat will make us all die. Newsflash – not eating meat will also make you die. You are going to die. Forget about it, there is nothing at all you can do about it, so just have a good time while you can. You really don’t want to face that Grimy Reaper (he tried showering but the water just went straight through) and think of all the things you could have done, the things you could have tried, but denied yourself because the medics told you you would die if you did them. It’s too late when the scythe swings.

Maybe we don’t meet him. Maybe Ray Bradbury’s story ‘The Scythe’ in ‘The October Country’ is right. Maybe the Reaper does it all remotely. Maybe now he does it with an iScythe.

Anyway. ‘They’ want us to not eat animals because… well I don’t know why. Maybe they want all the bacon for themselves, the greedy fat bastards, or maybe it’s all part of the plan to destroy any kind of successful business. If nobody ate bacon, what would happen to all the pig farms?

It’s not about ‘saving the animals’ because if nobody ate any pork products there would not be a live pig in the country within a week. They’d all be shot and sent to China where they eat anything. HoiSin sauce is a wonderful invention. It really doesn’t matter what meat is soaked in it, it always tastes great.

By now we are well used to the idea of smoking causing things it cannot possibly cause, like dandruff, soft shoulder, the onset of the nadgers, spots before the ankles and general lurgi (fortunately there is a cure) so it will surely come as no surprise that meat now causes lumps in the lady lumps.

I don’t have lady lumps so pass the bacon this way. So far, despite the title, we can still eat seafood because that is so very ethically produced.

Ladies, if you don’t want bacon to cause boob cancer, may I suggest you stop padding your bras with it? We know why you do it – you’ll snare a man in an instant with a pound of bacon and you know it. When engaged in an extended session of ‘put your face between them and go blblblbl blblblbl blblblbl’, a snack is always appreciated but please don’t put your health at risk on our account. You can just hand us a bacon sarnie when we come up for air. It will work just the same. As long as it’s made with real butter and brown sauce, we are yours to command.

The report was, of course, in that propaganda hack-rag the British Medical Journal. It used to be a respected scientific journal, once. Now it’s trying to swap places with the Sunday Sport.

Also in the British Meddling Journal is the report that says ‘you need expensive drugs, you just don’t know it yet‘.

Really. If you are not diabetic, you will be. Unless you boost the drug dealer’s profits by accepting free drugs paid for out of your taxes and that you have no need to take because you aren’t ill. If your blood sugar is a little too high, skip a doughnut. It’s far safer than sucking down random chemicals devised solely to make sure the head of the company can afford three more Bugattis and a moped. Pharmaceuticals are not made for your benefit. They are made for profit. No other reason.

The entire medical profession have become drug pushers for the Pharmers. It’s all they do now.

If you eat the natural food your guts are designed to deal with, you will die in horrible agony. To live forever you must ingest artificial chemicals whose sole purpose is profit for someone else. And you will still die. Of nothing.

But hey, let’s not get too depressed. Let’s end with a song… for the BMJ.


Sugar in booze?

Today I watched a pot boil. Another myth debunked, and the victory celebrated with a feast of boiled eggs. While consuming the unborn, I thought again about that poor squeamish girl’s face today.

I stared at the display of fresh legs of lamb until one of the staff asked what I was doing.

“Oh, just watching babies bleed”.

She won’t have lamb for dinner for a while, judging by the expression on her face. One of my less cruel games, really. The real hard stuff has been reserved solely for the antismokers and antidrinkers. You might think that would restrict my range for the really vicious stuff, but add in the antifat, antisalt, antimeat and the rising stars of antisugar and I think I have plenty of legitimate targets to be going on with.

The SugarRighteous have now tried the double whammy. There is hidden sugar in booze!

Frankly, if there is still sugar in it, it should have fermented longer. Or been distilled. Sugar cannot come over in a distillate because it isn’t a volatile compound –  so their example of gin and tonic is a load of bunk. All the sugar is in the tonic. Just drink the gin and you’ll be fine.

Similarly, there cannot be residual sugar in whisky or vodka or in anything distilled. It is possible in beer and wine but as I said, if it’s done right, the sugar should all be turned into alcohol. Okay, there might well be a bit left but there shouldn’t be much. There’ll be more in sweet wines but they don’t appeal to me so I’ve never bothered to look.

There is also the question of what they mean by ‘sugar’. Glucose is a sugar. So is fructose. Galactose. Mannose. Xylose. Sucrose and lactose are pairs of sugars, not sugars in the strict chemical definition of the word – they are called disaccharides. There are a host of other sugars, some of which we can’t actually digest at all. They are all defined as sugars and all have a calorific value. Grass has a calorific value but you won’t get very many calories out of it.

Mannose is a big component of yeast cell walls, so it’s going to be in beer and wine. If they are using the catch-all term ‘sugar’ then they are counting all the strange ones as well, the ones produced by yeast and bacteria as cell structural components and which are released when the cell fragments. Some are as long chains of sugar – polysaccharides – and even if you can use the individual sugar, if you don’t have the enzymes to break the chain then you can’t get at them.

Even in something as simple as starch, which is made of long chains of glucose, you can’t get it all. Those chains come in two types. Amylose is a straight chain. Your body can deal with that. Amylopectin is a branched chain. Your body can prune it back to the branch points but no further because your enzymes only work from one end of the chain and can’t deal with branches. Gut bacteria get the rest of that starch. The right combination of poor enzymes and ferocious gut bacteria can cause bloating. Then venting. Then loss of social contacts.

In short, when they say ‘sugar’, that does not necessarily mean it’s going to make you fat. It might make you fart since your gut bacteria can use pretty much whatever they can get. There are over 400 known species isolated from the stinky Play-Doh you extrude and DNA analyses suggest there might be as many again that we haven’t isolated yet. That is a hell of a lot of different enzyme systems. They can reduce anything to brown sludge.

Except sweetcorn. I don’t know why anyone bothers to eat that. It’s indestructible.

So that’s the ‘sugar content’ nonsense dealt with.

Another thing about booze is that it is full of calories. Around 1800 in a bottle of whisky. Those are largely in the ethanol itself which is digestible and your body can use it for energy. It’s not that good at using it for energy so the liver tends to get a bit screwed up if that’s all it gets. It can cope with some, how much it can cope with is a very individual thing. Some livers can deal with loads of it, others start to get all holier than Swiss cheese. Individuality is not allowed on the NHS, you must be forced into the British Standard Human mould and all consume exactly the same.

Take the example of two other folk at work. One is a tiny, slim girl, the other is a giant bloke who looks like Obelix. They are both around 18-20 years old.

If you set a salt (for example) intake level that is the average of the real requirements of these two, it will be too much salt for the small girl and too little for Obelix. Your requirements for salt, vitamins, sugar, anything at all are not defined by ‘daily amount per person’ but by ‘daily amount per kg of body weight‘. The RDA on the sides of cans is a nonsense. It applies only to those who are exactly average in all respects and if the number of such people is more than five, I will be surprised.

Science used to understand that but seems to have lost most of its knowledge while scrabbling for grants.. I don’t think the medics ever really did. They just look up the book – but only if you say you are, or have been, a smoker. Otherwise they ignore both the book and you.

Now, I suppose, you can just answer ‘yes’ when asked if you put sugar in your tea and get the same result…