Sex and drugs and sausage rolls.

I can’t tell you how long I have waited to use that heading. I saw it on a T-shirt some drunk was wearing once and it’s the funniest T-shirt slogan I have ever seen.

It’s going to happen. It must. Already we have the first stage of no safe level of alcohol (stick that up your arse and swivel, CAMRA) and now we have ‘scientific’ proof that rock and roll makes you deranged.

Okay. I know Gary Glitter’s first hit was ‘Rock and Roll parts I and II’ but I think he was twisted before then. You could tell by the hair and the shiny suits. I really don’t think that shouting ‘Rock and ro-o-oll, hey, rock and roll’ over and over was what perved him but well, Studies have Shown and Experts have Said so…

It is now only a matter of time before sausage rolls, those mainstays of obesity, are linked to some obscure kind of phallic symbolism leading young chubbies to have sex without wrapping it in pastry condoms while snorting Homepride flour and wearing white-dusted bowler hats like in ‘A Clockwork Orange’. Which, incidentally, had all the drugs you could ever want on sale in milk bars.

Mr. Kipling will become the face of Big Cake and Gregg’s complaints over the pie tax will be swept aside as they are blamed for the new epidemic of drugged-up fat kids and they become the new Big Pastry, evil wicked vicious entrappers of the stupid.

There is so much stupid on this planet now that if there was ever a conference of stupids it would collapse into the first black hole of idiocy the universe has ever seen. No logic or sense will escape its dement horizon and any probe looking in sees only a gaping mouth saying ‘Duuuuh’.

The good part is that this compression of morons won’t let smokers in. We’ll just orbit it, laughing.

I wonder though. I grew up with Kraftwerk, Captain Beefheart and Tangerine Dream. It had no effect on me at all.

If there was any truth in this ‘report’ I’d have turned out at least a little bit odd.