O Lucky Man

Great film. If you haven’t seen it, do. It is full of the music of Alan Price and wonderfully strange. It tells the story of a simple coffee salesman…

Any road up, it gets almost as strange as real life sometimes. Apparently the UK is talking itself into a recession that does not need to happen. Isn’t that true of pretty much every recession ever? They don’t need to happen. It’s all about money, and most money is as real as a cartoon monster on your phone.

My daughter put a nice twist on it today. What if you see the monster on your phone, move the phone away and… it’s really there? Wouldn’t that be fun?

But now it seems that if we don’t waste money on shit we don’t need, the economy will collapse. I am not buying a vast TV I can’t afford and won’t watch. I am not getting a loan to buy a car that can’t go any faster than the old blue Ford I have now because it already reaches the speed limit. It might be capable of exceeding it, obviously I would never attempt such a thing.

Does that mean I am putting TV makers and car makers out of a job? Since most of these things are now made in Taiwan anyway, it shouldn’t affect the UK economy at all.

Yet the scare now is internal. Nothing to do with the EU or Brexit. It’s UK people not buying shit made by UK workers who are apparently commuting to Taiwan to make this shit. That’s the scare, and it’s working. The stock market is going ‘Oh no, we’re going to die’. Meanwhile Joe Bloggs is carting home his cinema screen TV from Tesco and sometimes he’s even paid for it.

Brexit is irrelevant to the recession argument here. It’s an argument based on UK people not buying UK made stuff and thereby putting UK workers out of a job. It’s entirely internal. It can happen or not happen with no requirement to invoke the EU at all. Of all the stupid arguments put out there in the Battle of Brexit… well…


As for our coffee salesman, well he really should pay more attention to his background songs because things don’t all turn out as happy as they seem at this point…

Poke ’em and Go

It’s a fun game. You just need a sharpened pencil or a pointy stick.

Apparently that’s not what the game is called and not what it’s about. I preferred my version but hey ho. You have to see invisible monsters through your phone when out alone on dark nights. It’s a wonderful story idea, isn’t it?

As I told some of the staff who play this game, what if one of them isn’t part of the game but is actually a demon in disguise? Suddenly… Satan! And instead of you throwing your balls at him, he pokes yours! With a pitchfork.

Some of them have given up playing now. I guess it didn’t hold their interest.

It’s probably for the best. Going out on dark nights and waving your balls around is just going to get you arrested.

There have been incidents all over the place, even on Aberdeen beach which is the cleanest beach on the planet because no bugger can stand the cold, where flash mobs descend to catch Floobymon or whatever the rare one is called.

It. Does. Not. Exist.

Bread and circuses – and the ultimate circus is interactive. Chasing digitised things that do not exist outside Phoneworld. Which is your reality now? The cartoon phone monsters or the dark and sad images in the background? You know… real life.

Are they being trained? Maybe to be happy about the spreading knowledge that most money doesn’t exist. It’s just digital computer bytes.

Maybe it’s a cull. ‘There’s a super rare one in the fast lane of the motorway!’ I’d do that. I confess I’d do it but not for Green reasons. For the lulz:)

Anyway, I finally have a couple of days off so I can catch up on the anthology at last. I won’t be out chasing nonexistent cartoons.

I have real shit to deal with.

Theresa May… or May Not?

So we have a new Prime Monster. The first wench-in-charge since Ol’ Iron Knickers herself. We’ve since had Monochrome Man, the Tiny Blur, the Brown Gorgon and a bad dose of the Cameroids (featuring a walk-on part by Little Clegg). Now we have… well I don’t have a good name for the new one yet so I’ll go with Tessie Maybe until she makes a decision. She’ll earn her true Underdog name in time.

She’s put Boris Johnson in charge of foreign affairs, which shows she has a wicked sense of humour at least.  I suppose Frankie Boyle wasn’t available.

There are lawyers trying to claim the Brexit case was based on lies. Both cases were based on lies. Politicians were involved. What else would anyone expect? If a politician tells the truth, all his teeth fall out and he has to live on nothing but subsidised soup. Everyone knows that.

And yet the people voted and then expected their elected representatives to do as they are instructed. Will they? Well, they don’t have too good a record on that so far. They listen harder to the busybodies who live on tax money than to those who actually pay the taxes. Which reminds me, I have a tax rebate on the way again. Which is nice.

What happened in Nice wasn’t at all nice. A deranged madman killed and injured a hell of a lot of people and the press are claiming it was nothing to do with Islam. He was called Mohammed. They always are. It’s always nothing to do with Islam. If he was called Brian or Malcolm or Quentin there’d be far less scepticism about the ‘nothing to do with Islam’ repetition.

I hear there was a British woman complaining that all this terrorism had ruined her shopping trip. Madam, you are an embarrassment to this nation and to the entire human race. What kind of people are we breeding these days? That one shouldn’t be allowed to.

Back to Brexit, where pundits are trying to find a reason for the ‘out’ vote that doesn’t involve people becoming sick to death of being bossed around by a bunch of suited arses who cost a fortune and who just make shit up during booze-fuelled drug orgies. How else can you explain laws about the straightness of cucumbers and bananas? Nobody could think up that stuff sober.

I mean, claiming the medium-rich middle class were the ones who voted out? Wales voted out, as did Newcastle. The medium-rich are hardly a majority in either of those places. Oh sure, they exist in those places but they aren’t 51% of the populations there.

It’s true the less well paid are better off now. As I’m currently one of them I can attest to this. Raising the tax threshold means I get more of it back. Also the really-rich are better off. It’s the ones who just tip over into the higher rate tax bracket who get hammered. In real terms today, an average middle-level job can tap you into that bracket. You need to get well above it to make legal tax avoidance schemes worth bothering with so if you’re only just in it, you just have to bend over and take it.

And while we’re on the subject of parasitic unelected organisations who are unaccountable and believe themselves to be God, the World Health Organisation (WHO?) are whining that we aren’t doing as we’re told when it comes to letting kids see ads for unhealthy foods they can’t buy for themselves.

A bunch of arrogant, self-important striplings called @tobaccofreekids on Twitter are claiming that tax hikes work to stop kids smoking. How? Those kids can’t buy the tobacco so how does a tax hike affect them at all? It only affects adults who are… adults. The ones who buy stuff and pay massive amounts of tax when they do, even though they’ve already paid massive amounts of tax on the money they earned to buy stuff with.

‘Adult’ used to mean something in the old days. You were a child and did as you were told and adults were in charge. Now we have jumped up whippersnappers telling us that old people should not be allowed to vote and only the undeveloped mind is fit to run the country because they know best because they have been told what is best by the hard of thinking who grew older but never grew up.

The same hard of thinking who are funded by adults who pay tax. We should all fuck off out of the country and leave them to their Utopia of bugger all.

For one of his poems, Dylan Thomas invented the fictional Welsh town of Llareggub. He did it because his publisher told him to cut back on the swear words. The easily twisted young and the unthinkers could call their new unfunded country by that name.

Well, let’s see what Tessie Maybe does. Could we at last have an intelligent Prime Monster? It’s about time we did.

My money is on ‘Oh no, not again’.


They’re alive

The Mothership called at 9 in the morning the other day telling that her good friend from Sweden would be coming to visit. You know that friend who you used to play with naked in a paddling pool with as a toddler? Well this is his mum. So of course I had to come way earlier than planned to see them.The parental unit are going to Paris on holiday in two weeks so I was going here anyway to look after their pets. So I’ve been living of cafe Mothership freeing up money for more nail polish which isn’t bad.

The guests arrived yesterday and are leaving tomorrow. So Friday was the big cleaning day, getting everything tidied up and cleaned for the arrival. Also Papa J is watching all the Tour de France he can fit in between work and sleep so mum is going crazy already. She’s apparently done a ton of laundry.
We did make muffins for the guests, two portions as someone doesn’t like banana muffins.We also did the big Sunday roast thing which was really good. There was of course the roast, pork, then oven baked potatoes, boiled carrots (raw ones for someone..), boiled pointed cabbage in a white sauce and garlic bread.
Even Ingeborg, the hedgehog, ate some raw pointed cabbage.

2016-07-10 18.05.18

Feast your eyes on the Mothership’s cooking

Today was bbq day. I am normally not the biggest fan of bbq or mosquito/bug meat as I call it but today’s menu was actually really good. Even though I had to peel all the potatoes, or most of them, for the potato salad. It was really good so I do it well.
Next year mum’s friend is turning 50 and her partner just told Papa J that he’s planning on proposing to her then so he asked Papa J if he would be his best man. This may be the event that finally gives mum the chance to see him in a suit. Stranger things has happened before.

Every year the village the parental has a yearly village celebration. Starting out with a big party Friday night and ending Sunday with a parade. Usually the village is divided into streets and there’s a big competition on who can make the most impressive wagon.  In the front is a marching band and the local moped club ends the show. The local line or western dancing club and the village’s local football club are also in the parade every year.
This year only two streets seemed to have participated though. So it was a shorter parade than normal but still a fun thing to watch. There was a wagon with a fishing theme and one with a troll theme.

Now the seeds seem to be doing very well so far. They’ve all started growing and I’ve already repotted three of them. The salad, cherry tomatoes and basil are now in bigger pots and the leek and aubergine are not far behind. I did seem to have over watered them at some point so I had to cut back on the watering for a while.
There started growing mould on the sides of the cardboard boxes which sent me into a right panic. I am very paranoid about mould. I took calming words from both Leggy and the Mothership to make me see that it wouldn’t effect the plants and there was no need to throw them out.

I hope you’re all enjoying the summer and if you meet mum’s friend then mum is the word.

The Brexit anomaly

There have been a few things strange about the UK’s attempt to leave the EU. I use the word ‘attempt’ because the process has barely started. It’s not guaranteed to happen. Parliament can overturn the referendum result or the EU can demand we do it again and again until we get the right answer. They have form on this one.

They haven’t though. I haven’t heard a single call from the EU to re-run the referendum. They would have a case: the margin between ‘out’ and ‘in’ is only 4% and a hell of a lot of people didn’t vote at all. Yet, they haven’t said a word.

Just before the referendum, Cameron was saying that ‘In the event of a Remain win, renegotiation of our relationship with the rest of the EU would begin the day after the referendum’.

The day before the referendum, a chap called Junckers stated that there would be no further renegotiation within the EU. The EU was not going to concede anything more to the UK. The day before the referendum.

He could have waited until after the referendum to say that. Waited 24 hours or so but no, the day before the referendum he stated that Cameron had no more to negotiate. The deal is settled. That could have been enough to swing the vote.

There was a petition to re-run the referendum which gained 4.1 million signatures. Oh we know it was rigged, there were some giving UK postcodes to people overseas so they could sign it. Still, the Government could have said ‘well 4.1 million people want this so…’

They didn’t. They rejected the petition out of hand (correctly, since they will also know it was rigged because as well as your postcode, it can log your IP address).

Even so, they could have accepted it. They’ve accepted so many rigged results and fake science, who would notice one more?

So both the EU and our own government reject the idea of a second referendum even though both have ample excuse to call for it. Also, a high ranking EU minister made a statement that would have swung wavering voters on the day.

Now we have a leadership battle between Andrea Leadsom and Theresa May for the Prime Monster’s job. I have no idea why anyone would want that job at this time. Still, there they are. One strongly pro-Brexit and one strongly pro-Remain. Is this a second referendum by the back door? Except of course, only Tory party members get to vote.

Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and others have moved aside for the unknown Andrea. She takes on the very well known Theresa.

Is anyone else wondering if they are watching a carefully choreographed series of events?

I don’t think I can predict the ending of this one but I think this is all going according to someone’s plan. I have no idea whose plan, but it’s all going too smoothly to be random.

I don’t like the feeling of being manipulated.


A new deal

Okay. I am running slow on this because of things that happened but it has not been abandoned. I have to get your money sent out soon.

Here is an amended author agreement. It is specific to the first anthology and will change for subsequent books. If everyone involved is okay with this I can get the agreement and the money passed out this week. The book might take a little longer but that’s my problem, not yours.

You are not doing this for free. I wouldn’t:)


The Underdog Anthology

Author Contract

This contract constitutes an agreement between the AUTHOR and PUBLISHER that permits the PUBLISHER one use of the AUTHOR’s work in this one anthology. This single use extends to worldwide publication in print and eBook formats in English only.

Copyright remains with the AUTHOR and all publication and ancillary rights (TV, film, other media rights, audiobook, translation into other languages) remain with the AUTHOR. The PUBLISHER purchases only the right to include the story in the anthology titled ‘The Underdog Anthology’ in print and eBook format and may not use the story in any other publication or form without the prior written consent of the AUTHOR.

Any interest shown by a third party in acquiring film etc. rights will be referred to the AUTHOR. The PUBLISHER will take no further part in the matter, and will expect no reimbursement or percentage of any deal made between the third party and the AUTHOR in respect of their story in The Underdog Anthology.

The AUTHOR, for their part, warrants that the work is their own and is not copied, plagiarised or downloaded from another author’s work. That no part of the work identifies any living person nor exposes the publisher to any legal action by said living person or relative. The AUTHOR accepts that any responsibility for libel or lawsuit is their responsibility and not the PUBLISHER, who has accepted the story in good faith. That they have full rights to the story and that if it has been published elsewhere previously, it remains or has reverted to full ownership by the AUTHOR at the time of submission.

The AUTHOR accepts that payment (in cash, copies of the book or as may be alternatively agreed) means that the story becomes a permanent part of The Underdog Anthology and that upon publication, the AUTHOR retains all rights to re-use the story elsewhere in any form they choose but cannot subsequently demand it be retracted from the already-published book.


(Amended 6th July 2016 and again the following night. I’ll get there…)

Plants and feet

So I am trying something that could possibly just go wrong. I’ve planted seeds. Yes, you may ask “How can that be a fast car to death?”. Well let me tell you the story of the girl with the black thumb. Although I think they simply get into my house and decides to commit suicide. There may be a sign outside my door reading “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!” only visible to plant life.
Now it’s not that I don’t try. I would at least get A for effort, not that it seems to make any difference on the longevity of the plant life spans. I may have killed off around 8 or so flowers and 3 cacti. We are over in serial killer material. In the beginning I started out naive, thinking it would be a long relationship and I’d have lots of greenery but after a while I had to realise that that won’t really happen on my own. I found a youtube clip with sounds of rain that I would play every time little planty was watered. That didn’t stop it from dying. Now I admit that the something violet plant’s death was sort of my fault. It had these really suspicious spots on the leaves and I got paranoid and may have cut off a big chunk of the leaves off. It didn’t survive. Then there was the one where the roots got mouldy, the ones that drowned, the ones that dried out and whatever else I put the poor plants through.
One of the local supermarket have been having a campaign where for every 50 kr spent in the shop you get a small planting kit for free. It contained a pot, earth, seeds and a plant marker. I got a kind of salad, leeks, cherry tomatoes, basil and aubergine kits so I figured since I already had them I may as well try and see if I can actually manage to make them grow. I figured we could make a series out of it. I personally suggest that you guys make some bets on who will survive and who will die first. It can be almost a Hunger Games for plants. Start out with 5 plants, who will survive to the end? Or will they all die gruesome deaths one by one?
If a kid can do this I’m sure I can find a way of screwing it up.

So today was planting day. Day 1 in operation plant!
Now already here I managed to get a bit confused. I hadn’t realised that the brown coin like thing was the earth so I had bought a big bag of it last time I went shopping. But apparently by adding some water the earth puffed up by magic and suddenly you had enough to fill up the cup. Now I must admit that this was pretty fun.

Besides playing with plants I’ve been cleaning and tiding up. The parental unit is visiting tomorrow. My washing machine has yet again decided it doesn’t want to work so Papa J will have to look at it.
Yesterday was a fun day even though it started way too early which in my world is before 7. But on the bright side it did mean I wasn’t woken up at 8 by the big machinery driving past the garden. The building is getting a new roof which isn’t bad but damn do they make a lot of noise. Best part will be when they sometime in November get around to changing all the windows. *Sigh*
I have a good friend who recently went through minor surgery, but since she’s allergic to most kinds of pain medicine she’s been on morphine. So yesterday whilst her husband was at work I came over to keep an eye on her. Now of course I brought along lots of sweets and crisps so she could wallow in her pain. We had a pretty good day together and it was the first time I had a nap outside home.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend