Thinking dark thoughts

It’s what I do. It’s how I find the stories I write. ‘What would happen if…’

The thing is, fiction has to make sense. Real life doesn’t, but fiction does. You can’t just set up a whole future world with no explanation of how it came to be. Okay, you don’t want a long explanation in the story, just hints here and there in conversation, but in writing future-based stories you have to reason out how the world came to the point you’re writing about. If it looks impossible, or implausible, readers will give up on you.

There is an easy way out – set it on another planet or in a fantasy reality, but if you want it to really raise the hairs on the backs of reader’s necks, set it in the near future and make it horrible. It can’t just ‘happen’ though. There has to be at least the possibility that it could really happen.

So let’s say you want to set a future dystopia in a world with a vastly reduced human population. Not just decimated, but driven pretty close to extinction. You have an elite who run things and who made this near-extinction happen so they have a small and easily controlled slave workforce. I actually have a much darker theme than just a slave workforce but I’ll keep that surprise for another time.

How did they do it? How did they reduce the billions of people to just a few million?

Well, there’s war of course. Tessie the Impaler is currently trying to start a war with Russia. The old adage ‘Pick on someone your own size’ comes to mind. As in, someone you have at least a remote chance of beating. I have a feeling war with Russia would go something like this –

Monday: Tessie declares war on Russia.

Tuesday. The EU suddenly finds it doesn’t have to worry about Brexit any more, but now has to hope the easterly winds continue, so they carry the radioactive cinders out into the Atlantic.

Yeah. We aren’t going to win that one. Best to back off a bit, I’d say. Besides, all this talk of ‘we won’t stand for you killing people in the UK’ rings rather hollow when they won’t even identify the ones doing the daily acid-based face changes, street acupuncture demonstrations and occasional exploding vest incidents. Yet one dead Russian spy is enough to declare war?

War won’t work for this story because it would leave large areas of the planet uninhabitable and spread a radioactive cloud over most of the rest of it. No point achieving your goal of massive population reduction if you have to spend the rest of your life in an underground bunker.

The same goes for a rapidly-spread disease. How can the elites guarantee they won’t catch it and how can they be sure it’s finally gone once it’s done its job? Back  to the underground bunker…

I need, for this story, a world largely pristine but with an awful lot of unmarked graves. How to get there?

An idea arrived today. Two more days to the vernal equinox, the official start of spring, and it’s -2 degC out there and snowing. It’s still snowing heavily on a lot of the northern hemisphere and we’re told it’s global warming.

Because it’s ‘global warming’, heating costs are taxed whatever you use. Electricity, gas, oil, all taxed to combat ‘global warming’. We are told the wood burning stoves and fireplaces are a very bad thing and we should get rid of them. New houses are built with no chimneys and have been for some time now. When the power goes off,  the gas runs out and the oil delivery trucks can’t get through, there is no way to heat those houses. No way at all.

So, I thought, wait for signs of a coming ice age and make sure nobody has the means to survive it. Great. Population wipeout with no effort and no environmental impact. Well, apart from clearing away the thawing corpses when it’s over.

There’s only one little niggle. A small ice age, not a total snowball earth, would really only affect countries near the poles. Those in the middle, around the tropics, would hardly be affected. That’s a lot of people still to get rid of. How?

Aha. Make them move north.

Tell them global warming is going to make their country too hot for human life. Tell them they can have free benefits and never have to work if they come to the north. Even go so far as to start wars in their countries so they have to flee.

A solar minimum is approaching. It’s going to get colder. Maybe not a full-on ice age but the cold this year is only a taste of what’s coming. The scene is set for this story to be plausible, I just need to work out the details.

So, all you need to do is concentrate the world’s population in countries that are going to freeze, and then wait. When the ice hits, turn off the power. Stop the gas. Make the oil too expensive. Make coal and wood fires illegal. Wait for inevitable crop failures. Even if you don’t get a real ice age, a few of those seriously cold winters will drastically reduce your population for you – especially among those who moved from hot countries and who are unused to sub-zero temperatures.

You’ll have riots, sure. You’ll have people attacking each other for food and shelter. What the cold doesn’t kill, the neighbours will.

In this context, a new tension with Russia actually helps. Russia might get sufficiently pissed off to turn off the gas pipelines. They’ll need that gas themselves anyway, when it gets seriously cold.

I don’t think this is enough to get to the low population levels I need for the story but it’s a good start. There’s still China and India, for example, densely populated and probably mostly okay in a hypothetical ice age. Russia also – they know how to deal with deep cold and Putin isn’t playing the globalist game. He’s not going to turn off the heating.

But then I’m working in fiction. Putin might be replaced, as might Trump (who also wouldn’t play along) and then the corpsicle count goes way up.

Actually, the story can work even if China, Russia, the USA and India are untouched in this first round. The major wipeout would be in Europe. Once it’s done you can further reduce population by means of constant wars with other countries. Would the other countries use nukes? On what? You have nothing left to aim a nuke at! The major cities are abandoned and the population is now in a series of small towns, reliant for news on a media that’s totally under elite control.

Once you have a base (Europe) you can then unleash biological weaponry on the rest of the world. Probably best to do that before the ice age ends so nobody from the other countries wants to come to Europe. The elite are sealed in to one area while the rest of the world’s population is vastly reduced by a particularly virulent virus. Such a weapon would, of course, be most effective in densely populated countries.

This still needs some thought, but I think I can come up with a plausible scenario for a fairly rapid depopulation of the planet. Leaving an elite and a small, easily controlled population to serve them.

If I do though, in the current climate, should I publish it or just keep it quiet?



More writing stuff

A magazine called ‘Three-Lobed Burning Eye’ is looking for submissions and they pay well – but they only need six stories so competition is pretty damn fierce! It’s speculative fiction, something I’ve never been able to define accurately. If anyone fancies a go, here’s the link. (thanks are due to my old pal Lesia for the tip).

They used to pay per word, with a maximum. That’s not a bad idea. It would get around the issue of authors getting paid the same per anthology story even when one is long and another is short. I’ll give it some thought. Maybe apply something along those lines for the Halloween one. It’ll be Number Six, appropriately.

The next anthology (5) isn’t really Easter, it’s just coming out around Easter time. There’s no defined theme so I need a title for Underdog Anthology Five. Might just put a two-finger salute on the cover and call it ‘V’. Suggestions welcome.

Stories have been coming in. The book is a ‘go’. There’s still time, I won’t close submissions until midnight on the 1st April because I won’t be able to anyway. I will have a week of parental visits next week, I have a meeting about actual science work on the 29th and I’m working on Lee Bidgood’s book this month too. You have until the last chilling toll of the midnight bell of All Fool’s Day to get a story done and emailed in.

I will have contracts and author payments completed by the 5th April so the whole book will be in this tax year. I can do without the complications of having half a book in another tax year! Also I want all the expenses in this tax year because of a devious reason  😉 The book might come out after the 5th but the money side needs to be settled before.

These anthologies are not going to be subject to the price rises I mentioned. Those increases are only for authors getting royalties. The anthologies are paid in advance and none of them have so far reached break-even but that’s not really the point of them. The point is to get Leg Iron Books and the authors advertised so the anthologies are going to stay as cheap as possible. They will make me a few pennies per book, no more. It will probably take quite a few years of sales before they tap the door of profit. That’s okay. The single-author books are what the income is aimed at.

Remember to include every previously published work in your author page in these anthologies. Even if it’s published outside Leg Iron Books. That author page is your CV and you never know, maybe one day a big publisher will find a copy and actually read it. Then you’ll move on to much bigger things.

I don’t want any author thinking ‘I’m with Leg Iron Books for life’. I’m never going to be a big publisher and I’m very unlikely to ever be able to pay big money. If you get an offer from the big boys, go for it. I, and the remaining authors, would really appreciate if you were to mention this little starting point but nothing is compulsory. Other than the author contract, of course, and the big boys could buy that out without a second thought.


Well, I suppose I should get the blog back to its normal ranty self soon. I could comment on the Muslim child-rape gangs who have been operating in UK cities for decades but the government, police and the BBC have ignored them and still do so what can this little backwater blog achieve?

I could go on about FGM but the government, police and BBC don’t care about it. Feminists are too busy dressing up in hijabs to care about girls being mutilated and then forced to wear the things they wear for fun and they don’t care about women who take off that same hijab getting two years of prison in Iran. No, the feminists wear it to prove they are Righteous and then take it off and nothing happens to them. Must be great to be a feminist. It’s like being a Muslim woman for a day with no downside.

Until they find out what happens to any Muslim who tries to leave. Basically, feminists, when you put on that hijab you have converted. When you take it off you are an apostate. Let the games commence.

This past week, three people of right-wing persuasion were denied entry to the UK in case they say things that might upset someone. Meanwhile ISIS fighters are welcomed back with a free house and free money. Saddo the Khunt has been to America to tell them free speech is bad if it contains hurty words while the city he is mayor of descends into a place even Somalians would flee.

The government cannot understand why the population are getting a bit miffed. Haven’t we banned any words that could hurt them? Haven’t we wrecked enough of their favourite foods and vices yet? What are they complaining about? If they have no bread, let them eat cake.

If they have no sugar, let them eat aspartame.

Yeah. If real history was still taught in schools, everyone out there would know exactly what happens next.

I don’t think the government reads history.

Price hike coming

I will have to increase print book prices.

It’s just getting silly. Some authors are selling and earning pennies because of my ‘cut the price to the bone’ policy. So all print books, except anthologies and books by H. K. Hillman (me), will get more expensive at the end of this month. I don’t need to boost books that other authors aren’t earning from.

I have had to, in some cases, pass the entire profit to the author because it’s embarrassing to admit they only earned a tiny profit. Also it was pointless to split it.

The new regime will be – a minimum of 75p above base price (the money we don’t get) so for every book sale, the author will get 50p and Leg Iron Books will get 25p. I planned to cut my 50% margin when sales got high enough but I have to do that sooner than anticipated. It’s not fair on the authors otherwise.

eBook sales are okay. The margins are small but reasonable. I’ll probably cut my percentage on those too but we still get a fair go on those.

I will adjust prices upwards at the end of March so I can better keep track of who earns what. Some books will go up by 50p, I’ve cut it that fine!

The point of Leg Iron Books was never to make me rich. I don’t need that much money. I have no desire to be George Soros, no desire to run the world, no wish to end up looking like the Dark Emperor with a skull that seems to be trying to escape my face. I just want to make enough to live on.

The point was to publish unknown authors and hopefully get them stolen away by big names. I have no ambition to be a big publisher. If I have any ambition at all, it’s to ride the coat tails of these authors and get my books stolen away too.

I see Leg Iron Books as a gateway. It’s proper publishing. You can approach a big name or an agent and have ‘published by Leg Iron Books’ on your list of previously published books. Not self publishing, not vanity publishing, the real deal. Even if it is a tiny operation with trivial income.

I have some really impressive authors on the books. I have no lousy authors. None. I won’t publish utter crap but I’ll publish anything well written (and legal) and I have seen so very much of that.

In cost terms though, I am constrained mostly by Amazon. Their base price is the minimum. If you publish elsewhere at a lower price they take you down. Since Amazon is global you can’t afford to piss them off.

But I have to be fair to the great authors on the Leg Iron Books list. So, from midnight March 31st, print book prices will go up. In most cases, only by 50p or a few pennies more, and a;ll future ones will be fixed at a minimum 50p per book for the author. I chose the end of the month because payments are set up by month.

If I have to cut the price, I will cut my share.


The In-Between

Not smoking and not Electrofag. The Gateway to Vaping, the Gadget with Baccy, exists and I have one.

I’ve looked at these before but was put off by the price. The special offer (also available in white but be quick, it’s a limited time offer) was enough to persuade me to give it a go. It arrived yesterday and I’ve used 17 of the microfags supplied already.

Most of what I was going to say has already been well covered from a vaper perspective. This is from a smoker perspective. The technical details are the same so there’s no point me repeating them.

Let’s open the box…

Lots of gadgetry and some unidentifiable weird things. I was forced to break with tradition and actually read the instructions.

(UPDATE: I hadn’t realised that some folk haven’t seen that charger plug [UK type] before. It’s a fold down thing. You have to slide up the earth pin for it to fit a UK socket. It’s not immediately obvious, it just looks like so many other plug variants we get here that need an adaptor.)

First thing I noticed was that it seemed counter-intuitive. You put the microfag in one end and the microfag filter is where you get your ‘smoke’. So it’s like a cigarette holder but in reverse. The weird things turned out to be cleaning devices. Like any other contraption, it needs regular cleaning to work at its best. Well that’s reasonable.

Which reminds me, my car must be due for its annual wash soon. Then again, the recent torrential rain did a decent job.

I charged up the case, which didn’t take very long, about 20 minutes or so, inserted the electrofagalike and waited for it to charge. Took roughly 5 minutes. The instructions say the case can charge the smoky thing at least 20 times on one charging of the case. Well, 17 microfags in and it’s still at 75% charge so I’m guessing it’ll last a while yet.

Oh I’m not kidding about the microfags…

They are Fifth Element microfags, as you’ll see later. You can’t light these to smoke them, the tobacco is packed way too tight in the end and it’s about 75% filter. They only work with the IQOS smoky thing.

So anyway, I fired one up and gave it a go. First impression, it wasn’t quite like smoking. There was a wisp of ‘smoke’ (contrast with the cumulo-nimbus generators some vapers use) but it actually did taste like smoking. The one thing vaping never got right for me was the tobacco taste. All the other flavours, even roast chicken flavour, they have spot on but they never really got tobacco flavour right.

This is actual tobacco. The taste is right. The thing is, it’s not burning. There’s no ash to build up as you type and then drop onto your keyboard. If you drop the gadget, it won’t burn into your carpet. All good so far.

The smoke is warm but not as hot as a burning cigarette and it leaves that ‘I’ve just smoked’ feeling in your mouth. I have the menthol ones and yeah, they work. Not right away. I’d say it took me about five tries to get the hang of it. I was trying to puff like a real one and that’s too fast for it. You need to take it slow.

Not too slow. This, unlike the Electrofags I’ve tried, has an end point. The vaper review I linked to puts it from a vaper, ex-smoker perspective. Vapers can take a puff or two and put it away. Smokers are stuck with a lit cigarette until it’s either done or they get fed up and put it out. Smokers are used to a defined length of time for a smoke.

So, the device’s programming to stop after 6 minutes or 14 puffs means it ends like a real one. A smoker trying an Electrofag for the first time is likely to puff away until the battery runs out – which could be hours. This thing stops when it’s done.

Another point from the other review – you have to wait a few seconds for this to heat up. Insert the microfag and press the button until the light starts flashing. When it stops flashing you are ready to go. Don’t press the button again, that will turn it off. For a smoker, these are the few seconds of digging out your lighter and lighting the thing. Vapers are used to just pressing the button and getting instant-on responses. I’d say this will work better for smokers than for vapers – and since so many vapers are now as anti-tobacco as the people who hate them too, they won’t try it anyway.

The spent microfag sometimes has a discolouration in the middle but look at the filter. The filter is still clean. There’s nothing like the darkening you get on a real smoke’s filter! Really, there’s not much of the bad stuff, if any, coming through when you use this thing.

And another thing. You ‘smoke’ at the filter end and then discard the whole microfag. No mouthpiece to worry about contamination. They are as single-use as real cigarettes. Smokers concerned about the hygiene aspects of sucking on the same mouthpiece over and over (I know there are some) will appreciate that.

The used tobacco end. It is tempting to think there is re-usable tobacco in there. No, there isn’t. The scorched part was in direct contact with the heater but it’s all been heated. There’s nothing reusable left. And there wasn’t much to begin with…

Well of course I took it apart. Would you have expected anything less? I wanted to know if I could make my own microfags. Sadly, at the moment, it’s ‘no’. I could make the baccy plug from homegrown but the paper tube isn’t just a cut-down of a tubing tube. It’s lined with some kind of foil and I doubt it’s kitchen foil. However, if this thing proves popular, there will be a market for empty tubes and the means to fill them. Bull Brand are no doubt already working on it.

Why would I consider making my own? As I said at the start, I was put off getting one of these by the startup price – and also the running price. At £7 for 20 microfags it’s really not much cheaper than smoking real ones. However, if they can keep that price constant while tobacco controllers push up real-smoke prices then the differential will become more attractive. At the moment though, it won’t attract smokers who are trying to switch for cost reasons. Which is a shame because that’s a really big chunk of the market.

It’s really only going to attract two types of smoker. Those who are trying to switch for health reasons and those who just love gadgets. Especially when the gadget is half price.

Verdict: I really like this thing. I have tried a few Electrofags and liked them but really only enjoyed them with the weird flavours. They could never replace smoking for me, they don’t have the tobacco flavour right. This IQOS is an in-between and I could well imagine smokers using this as a stepping stone to vaping. I will never believe vapers will use it to switch to smoking but the hysterical smokophobes will no doubt believe it. I might even be the one to prime their hysteria. Just to watch the antismoker vapers squeal. Some of us don’t care about money… 😉

It has not replaced real smoking for me but then it has only been two days. I have smoked far fewer real ones in those two days and this has the potential to almost replace real ones for me. Almost, mainly because I could not use it while driving long distances. You can’t set this up while driving and you can’t use it in the car because you can’t let go of it in use. If you let it dangle from your lips, the microfag slips out of the machine and the machine lands on the floor. At home, no problem. It won’t burn anything. It won’t burn anything in the car either but trying to find where it’s rolled to at 70 mph on a motorway is out of the question.

You also can’t flick a glowing butt out of the window at tailgaters. It always makes them pull back. ‘The road is mine’ and ‘the air is mine’ turns out to be the same mindset.Throwing a dead microfag at them won’t have the same effect.

There is also the final nail in the coffin  – I really like smoking. I like the blue haze and the burning smell. This device gets close but does not quite replicate it. It can, however, replace some of my daily smoking with something that carries less risk. As the cost of smoking continues to escalate the price differential could get much bigger. That would encourage me to use this more. As it is, I think it will be in use daily because it’s far closer to smoking than any Electrofag.

It won’t make me drift all the way to vaping, but it’s likely to for some. The only thing that would do that for me would be if vaping got the tobacco flavour just right. I’ll vape the weird flavours for fun but it won’t be full time unless I can vape something that tastes like the real thing.

The IQOS does taste like the real thing. A little muted maybe but the taste is right.

If the price differential between this and real cigarettes was greater I might go for it. As it is, it’ll almost certainly cut down my intake of real cigarettes although it won’t replace them entirely.

If it does, I’ll need LED-powered fake cigarette buts to throw at tailgaters.

I could probably make those.


(UPDATE 14th March: I’m still using it but also still smoking. It hasn’t defeated the real ones and might never do. It has, however, reduced my intake of the real ones which is only a marginal cost saving at the moment. I don’t feel any different yet, maybe I’m too damn healthy for it to show a difference. I’ll see if it does anything healthy to me in a week or so.)

Something for the authors

I’ll run another Twitter promotion this month. The last one had disappointing results but I thought I should give it a fair chance before discarding it. I’m hoping the weather will leave me alone this week and not flood the house again. Fingers crossed…

In the meantime, here’s something Longrider tipped me off about. Short reviews on a section of your book – free of charge.

I would send them all in but I’d probably end up marked as a spammer and they’d all be rejected. So I need the authors to send in a chapter themselves. No cost – it’s all done by eMail and there is no charge. Don’t forget to include a link to your Amazon listing or Goodreads page so those reading the review can find it.

[UPDATE: Tim has said he’d rather it was handled by the publisher (me) so I’ll send in a few a week. If you’ve already sent a chapter, that’s okay, but be sure to let me know so I don’t send the same one again!]

Your best bet is to pick one of the chapters covered by the ‘Click to Look Inside’ on Amazon. That’s already available for free anyway so you’re not giving anything away. It also lets anyone who follows up see that chapter in context in Amazon’s free bit.

There is, of course, no guarantee of getting a review. I suspect Tim is going to be inundated and it’s unrealistic to expect him to deal with every one of them. Still, it costs nothing and if you don’t try, you certainly won’t get reviewed.

It doesn’t matter if the reviewers blast you to bits. In fact, a blistering attack can be as good or even better than glowing, gushing praise. People love to rubberneck at a car crash and it’s the same with books – a really vicious review gets them interested and they have to go see for themselves. None of the books published so far would merit a bad review but you know what critics are like. Sometimes they just like to show off.

There’s always that one smartass who has never tried to write a book but who thinks they can do it better than you. There’s always one who will read a secret and terrible ‘meaning’ into your book that only they can see. The internet is abuzz with people like that.

Shrug off the critics. They are sending people to look at your book, even if they say they hated it.  Sending people to the listing is all that matters.

Some will buy it because what they find doesn’t match with what the critic said. Some of them will buy it just to see if they can find something else to complain about. It really doesn’t matter why they buy it. You get paid even if they buy a caseload of the print copies and burn them all. If they manage to start a trend of burning piles of your book on YouTube, you can laugh at it all because every book they buy to burn earns you money – and you don’t lose out on second hand sales either.

Don’t be afraid of reviews and never worry about bad reviews. Whichever way they go, they get attention for your book. Look at what the Daily Mail did for ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ when they published their Outrage! at this perverted filth! The book went from ‘never heard of it’ to ‘must-read’ overnight. I haven’t read it because everyone who has tells me it’s really not that good, but hey, the author doesn’t care what I think. She has a much bigger bank balance than me.

There really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Knackered, but news of a new type of Electrofag

It pissed down all day yesterday. Since the concrete area outside slopes towards the house, the water from that and all the roof drains into a trough outside the door and combined with the melting snow, there is now an inch of water in the utility room. I have given up trying to mop it. I’ll get the wet vac out today.

It’s not the first time but it’s the worst one so far. Fortunately the washing machine and dryer are already up on blocks after last time. The drain all this water goes into isn’t blocked, it all goes away quickly once the rain stops, it’s just that the one little drain can’t cope. I’m going to do some redirecting on those drainpipes if I ever see good weather. Fixing the rest is the landlord’s problem.

CreateSpace has been down so I still don’t have final figures for sales for last quarter. They aren’t likely to be much but I have to keep this accurate. The taxman will insist.

It has been a crap week or so. All the wood store got damp because the easterly wind blew right into the barn where it’s stored so it took a lot of snow and now rain. Local Shop was out of logs, they only had coal. Okay. My burner has a grate so it can deal with coal.

Smokeless coal is smokeless because you can’t light the damn stuff. Why do I need smokeless anyway? There’s nobody around to moan about it. It’s all that was left in the shop and now I know why. Today I’ll start by lighting a charcoal bed for it. I have a bag of charcoal for the Barbecue that Never Happened last year.

I need to cut a channel in concrete (or persuade the landlord to do it) to let the excess water wander off into the garden. Any tips?

Bah. I am shattered and seriously pissed off.

But there is one bright thing. I have invested in a new type of Electrofag. One that uses real tobacco. It should arrive in a couple of days.

I was put off by the expense of heat-not-burn, I admit. It’s no cheaper than buying real ones but hey, they want to sell me the machine and 100 ‘heets’ (tobacco tubes) for under £50, I’ll risk it. 100 is equivalent to five packs of cigarettes which in the UK is tapping hard on the door of £40 anyway for the lowest priced ones. And it’s a gadget. A new gadget. There will be a review.

I will also investigate whether it’s currently possible to make your own refills. If not, it soon will be. Probably far easier than making your own e-juice too.

Vaping is fun. I like to ‘smoke’ a brandy, then a roast chicken, then apple pie and then a coffee and an absinthe. Public Health should be promoting this because the calorie count for that whole meal is zero. Unfortunately they have proved themselves to be clinically insane so they never will.

Still, vaping has not taken me away from smoking. It’s just not the same. It’s fun but something is missing. Maybe HnB is that missing link. We shall see.

Today the sun is out. Maybe, finally, that damn snow will finish melting and we can get back to something approaching normality here..

The White Terror

I drove down to Local Shop today. There was only a foot or so of snow to get through, it was so much easier than the time I drove to Cruden Bay and back again in a blizzard in a mk II Fiesta with no door seals. This time it was touch and go on the driveway which is long and deadly but okay on the rest of the road.

You know, for anyone under 30-odd, this weather looks bad but really it’s nothing. A week or so of snow. Pfft. Easy. It lasted months in the past and it will again. Careful driving could get even a Prius home. It’s not the snow that’s the problem. It’s you, you weak bastards. Take a risk. Live a bit. Just don’t drive like an Audi maniac and you’ll be fine.

Ah, there might be enough to make a snowthing this year. In my kids’ youth we made Snow Tyrannosaurus, Snow Stegosaurus, Snow Marge Simpson, several horrific things and… no. We never made a traditional snowman.

I’m pleased about that because it meant my son didn’t grow up to be Aled Jones and sing at the limit of human acoustical endurance with a song called ‘We’re wanking in your hair’.

And now, every time you hear that song, it is forever ruined. Don’t feel too bad, it was crap before.

The entire cartoon is ruined anyway and not by me. I am not the one who made snowmen transgender.

I did not do this but it’s so funny I wish I had. Snowpersons. The Joker can’t laugh this hard. They are made of fucking snow. They are not people at all. Grasp reality, it’s slipping away faster than KY jelly on a greasy pole.

If we get enough snow I want to make one with a horrified look at a snow penis on the ground. The lazy way would be to just uncurl a Cumberland sausage.

Seriously. Snowmen are sexist now – and weather is racist:

Snow is so disgustingly white, isn’t it? Should we spray it black? Oh but then it’s snow in blackface and the whine brigade can crank up the volume. Not that they ever needed an excuse but the white stuff closing everything down must surely be supremacist, right?

Is the modern world ever going to grow up? I think not. I think civilisation is going to fall again. Just like every civilisation before it.

And you know what?

Well put it this way. i like a smoke and a drink. I like salt and bacon. I like the things society (in the form of Public Health) want to deny me. So let it fall.

I’ll still be here. In the cold.