The Arctic ice sheet, the one the BBC said would be entirely gone by 2013, is 60% bigger this year than last year.
I am disgusted. The Warmers said I’d be able to grow grapes here by now. I struggle to grow peppers and chillies in a greenhouse. Local Tesco have even been selling grapevines and olive trees the last few years – but then Tesco, at least the local one, is managed by morons.
Where’s my global warming? Where’s the heat I’ve been paying extra for all these years? Come on, Clegg, your party has been at the forefront of demanding more heat-money, so stump up or give it all back, you with the brain that makes a sterile swab seem overpopulated.
At this rate I will be trading in my greenhouse for an igloo and a big bottle of polar bear repellent. They told us these dangerous animals would be extinct by now but there are more of them than ever. Can we shoot them yet? The damn things are spreading snow and ice. I do not want polar bear crap on my lawn, the cats only leave little ones and the rhubarb likes those. Polar bears would drown the rhubarb.
If you’re thinking ‘How dare he? Polar bears have never harmed anyone’, tell that to the seals. And some Scandinavian and Canadian backpackers too. I firmly believe that anyone who thinks polar bears are cuddly should be allowed to cuddle one. It’s a full-positive thing, it rids the human race of fluffy-minded idiots and feeds the bears. The seals will approve. I can hear them clapping already.
And while I’m on the bear rant, anyone who thinks those evolutionary dead ends, pandas, are sweet and friendly should be locked in a cage with one and allowed to make friends with it. I’m sure it’ll be glad to have them for lunch. Mother Nature must be shaking her head at the human race. We just don’t ‘get’ evolution at all, do we? Some things are supposed to fail. Some things are supposed to be wiped out by new species. That was the whole damn point! If Mother Nature was on the Internet she’d just be typing ‘FFS’ over and over again. Meanwhile, she must be trying to devise some new species to get rid of this lunatic ape she made. She could call them… politicians. Unfortunately, she’s likely to find they are even worse.
So instead of the snow-free winters I was promised and the garden full of kiwi fruit and grapes, I will have to contend with prising the postman out of the glacier sliding past my front door again this year. The post here is dead slow in winter, he pops the letters in as the glacier drags him past.
Damn you, Warmists, you lying bastards. I was really looking forward to being ice-free and you were just spouting crap all the time.
Well, better fire up that chimenea and get some smoke into the air. If I load it with old tyres, will that help?
underdogs bite upwards 
Can’t be long now until we see the inevitable switch by some duckspeaker (probably mid-speech, just as Orwell predicted): “We are at war with global cooling, we have always been at war with global cooling.”
The rest of the bully pulpit sermon will continue per the standard model. Our eco-sin requires further contrition, penance, purchase of carbonic indulgences, and the erection of yet more useless wind moai.
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Last time, the ‘new ice age’ was to be caused by… man-made CO2 emissions.
It’s like smoking. Pick a bugbear and it causes everything. Soon global cooling will cause dandruff.
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I got two people in the hospital now believing smoking causes atheletes foot.
I just wish I could remember how I managed it. š š
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Damn, if you ever remember it, post it here at once. We can develop that into ‘any physical contact with a smoker causes athlete’s foot’ and improve our invulnerability. They won’t dare touch us.
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From what I remember. (It was 15 minutes before a full. Anethetic for a kidney biopsy, so I do not remember much before, or for about three hours after).
Smoking causes a change in blood preassure to the extremetys. This means the fingers and feet have problems in temperature control, and sweat more when covered, in Gloves, or shoes and socks, because they are “clamy”. This encourages the growth of fungus, because these are the conditions where it flourishes. Any one who wears gloves as part of their work CAN get similar between the fingers.(True, I believe).
But, of course, the feet, nearly always being “wrapped up” are in particular danger, due to the change in blood flow caused by smoking.
SOMETHING like that.
We CAN work on it. š
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It will take but a moment to convert that to ‘second hand smoke will make you all mouldy’.
Nicely done. Keep them scared, they’ll all die of heart failure long before we will.
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You could casually mention smoke rings cause ring worm… should be good for the lulz and the daily fail will run it as an exclusive six months from now.
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I can only assume that this bitter rant was occasioned by the weather forecast for last night. Down here in Yorkshire I was threatened by an unseasonal 2 degrees that had me rushing round digging up chillies from the flowerbeds, clearing my unheated greenhouse of sweet peppers and bringing them all inside. For no good reason.
However, I am informed that there was indeed a frost in Scotland.
I too was taken in by the Warmists and planted grapes around 20 years ago to see if we were really entering a new Medieval Warm Period.
They didn’t last their first winter.
However, I did try again with grapes bred for cold areas and now have a very passable bunch of grapes growing outside in a sheltered corner.
I know that if I lived in the South gardening would be much easier, but I would miss the moors and stonewalls and little villages huddled under bleak and frowning hills. Growing chillies in Scotland, as in Yorkshire, is an undoubted challenge, so it is even more fun when you succeed.
Never mind complaining about glaciers, you chose to live in Scotland, so it’s entirely your own fault, but I’m sure there must be many compensations.
The name of my pain is one Paul Hudson who likes to threaten me with frost on a regular basis, it usually turns out that the minus 4 he predicted for my area was down at the bottom of Gaping Gill or on some godforsaken ex- RAF base miles from anywhere, but I still covered up the entire garden and my dining table is covered in newspaper and muddy pots.
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My hops are doing GREAT…. considering I potted them VERY late.
No Hops (Flowers and “Fruits” are none existent) this year, but next…. DAMN! In 2018 I MAY have enough to brew a bottle of beer! š
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I was given a hop plant this year, (Target I think) I too have no flowers or anything yet, but we had a late frost and that killed all the new shoots back a bit.
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Don’t think they have “died off”. I had one that was totaly “dead”, ” It is no more, It has ceased to be, Bereft of life, it rests in peace, It has gone to meet its maker! It is no more, If it wasn’t in a pot, it would be pushing up the daisys! Its fucking SNUFFED it!”
Aha?
NO!
Three/Four months later it is my best plant ever. In fact it is scaring the neighbours.
So have patience.
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I have a friend with a long narrow garden and have been trying hard to convince him to plant hops on one side, barley on the other. It’ll look realy nice, he won’t have to mow it and at the end of the year I’ll tidy it all up and replant it in spring, and dispose of all the ‘waste’ too.
No luck so far, but I’ll keep the pressure on š
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Here Leggy, one you may apprieciate from “U.K Cop humour” on Facefuck;
UK Cop Humour
vor 11 Stunden
One for Dog Handlers… (and have a look at the competition we just posted on our wall to win some boots whilst you’re here!)
I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow… why else would I buy dog food?
https://www.facebook.com/UKCopHumour?hc_location=timeline#
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There are compensations for putting up with vile winters – not least the long, long hours of daylight in summer and of course, close proximity to all the best whisky distilleries on the planet.
I’ve learned to ignore the weather forecasts and just make sure I have a rolled-up plastic jacket with me at all times, even if it’s a full blue sky when I go out.
I didn’t get a frost, but I have moved the remaining pepper plants indoors and if it goes consistently below 10C in the greenhouse, I’ll pick all the chillies and finish those plants too.
All I need is one tobacco flower to seed. Just one. That’ll give me more than enough to fill the garden next year.
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