Virginia Plain.

Like the weaselly little coward he is, Cameron has caved in to the thugs of Puritanism and re-introduced the plain packaging idiocy. I don’t care, I have my cigarette case and rolling tin already and haven’t carried any identifiable packaging for a very long time now. Package them how you like, makes no difference to me and makes no difference to anyone else since they are all behind the Doors of Shame anyway.

Dick Puddlecote says it’s all just posturing but it’s vote-losing posturing for sure. All any canvasser will get from me is ‘I like to smoke. You don’t want my vote.’ That is all they will get until the smoking ban is entirely gone. Entirely. Antismokers will squeal ‘Oh, you just want to smoke anywhere’. No. I don’t. Any private business that wants to ban smoking on its premises is entirely within its rights to do so. Libraries, food shops, cafes, clubs, pubs – some make sense anyway, all should have the choice. You can have all the non-smoking pubs you want, I will never cross the threshold. You whining weaklings will never have to breathe my smoke. I won’t let you, in case it immunises you against something.

I will never vote for an antismoking party. Never. Nonsmokers – even antismokers – should also consider that the antismoking template is applied to so many other things now, that if you vote for an antismoking party, they’ll be coming for you too sooner or later. If they haven’t already. Like a drink? A burger, pizza or fish and chips? All these things are going the same way. You vote for it, don’t come crying about it later.

So your tobacco will come in plain packs. So what? It’ll all be in the same size packs which will get shorter and narrower and contain less actual tobacco every year while the price continues to rise. So what? Get a £1 tubing machine and 200 tubes from Poundland and produce your own. It’s not hard. You’ll then have chemical-free real tobacco. Or take a trip abroad for a couple of days. The amount you’ll save by buying tobacco elsewhere will easily cover the cost of the trip. The only legal way to stop you is to leave the EU. Oh, they’ll try to stop you, so check out this place first.

I know someone who quite likes smoking pure leaf Virginia tobacco in rollies. Personally I find it too mild, I like Burley in there too. She quite likes just Virginia though, on its own. Virginia Plain.

We know a song about that, don’t we? Incidentally, by one of the few who have not yet been accused of kiddie-fiddling… even though Brian Eno looks like the Childcatcher in this clip.