And they shall be marked with the Sign…

So there’s this guy who works for a cleaning company. The company has bought a brand new van and sent it to have the company name painted on the side. When it’s ready, the guy is sent to fetch it and drive it back to base.

On the way back he incurs a £200 fine from the Antismoking Police.

He does not smoke.

No, it’s not one of those ‘lateral thinking’ puzzles. It is a real story.

Why was he stopped?

The operation – run by Haringey Council, police and bailiffs – was called ‘Operation Stop It’ and was aimed at cracking down on ‘unlicensed waste carriers’ – fly-tippers – and other vehicles guilty of ‘environmental crime’.

He was driving a brand new van with a brand new paint job depicting a cleaning firm. Which part of ‘Operation Stop It’ did he fall under?

Mr Beasley, who does not smoke, was warned that lighting up in company vehicles was illegal and that he would have been fined £50 if he had been caught taking a drag behind the wheel.

He does not smoke. That warning is as relevant as if they had warned me not to knit while travelling on a bus. I don’t know how to knit.

So he was stopped for no reason and warned not to do something he never does anyway. So far, so typical of the sad and small men who think the possession of a clipboard gives them a brain. They aren’t smart enough to see it does not.

Clipboard-wielding council officers then, however, spotted that he didn’t had a ‘no smoking’ sticker on his gleaming van and he was given an on-the-spot fine of £200.

He was not smoking. He does not smoke. Ever. Yet because he didn’t have a sign reminding him to not do something he never does, there is a clear and present danger that he might forget he’s a non-smoker and light one of the cigarettes he’s not carrying with a lighter he doesn’t own.

The council’s IQ can be deduced from the writing shown on the penalty notice. Also from their response to being told that they have, once again, demonstrated that a slime mould shows far better organisational skills and higher intelligence than the average council official.

‘We will continue to protect those workers who are forced to sit in smoke polluted environments because their employers don’t comply with the law which bans smoke in company vehicles.’

There’s really no point trying to reason with those who have long since lost the ability to think.

The truth is actually simple. You might think that as a non-smoker, you are safe from the Smoke Nazis. You might think that you can live your life with ease, not having to worry about the hate and the spite the antis direct at the smokers. You might think that you don’t need to be involved at all. You are wrong.

It’s not good enough to be a non-smoker. You must display the Symbol of Hate to demonstrate your devotion to the Inquisition. Even in places where nobody has ever smoked. Even though you, a non-smoker, have no intention of smoking and therefore have no need of a little spiteful sign telling you you can’t do what you never do. You must display the Symbol.

Otherwise, they assume you’re one of us and fine you accordingly.

That ‘Operation Stop It’ had nothing to do with the fly tipping or the unsafe vehicles they variously claim it was intended to deal with. It was a fine-collecting exercise. They were stopping people to see what they could find to fine them for.

Oh, and…

‘The irony is that if our technician had been smoking he would have been fined four time less, just £50.

Not so. If he had been smoking and had no sign to tell him not to, he would have been fined £250. Don’t try to make out that smokers are having an easy time of it, Daily Mail. Not when you are one of the most active hate-mongers out there.