It has been apparent for some time that the keeping of pet dogs is being denormalised, even demonised. With no weapons available, a sturdy well-trained mutt who respects and maybe even worships its owner is a force to be reckoned with. You can’t have them. They might defend you.

So it’s really not surprising to find some halfwitted cretin taking upon him or herself to try to ‘deal with the problem’ by spiking sausages full of nails and leaving them around a park. The Daily Mail pretends to be shocked and horrified, but it is they who have published daily stories of dogs who rip up children for fun and who sneak into your house and fill your ashtrays and drink all your booze… okay, maybe they haven’t quite reached those stories yet.

The denormalisation of dog ownership has followed the one and only template the minibrained Puritans can cope with. The sausage story is reprehensible – I like dogs, but even if I didn’t, it would never occur to me to put out deadly bait for them. Politicians, yes, oh yes indeed, but dogs, never.

In the spirit of the ‘I don’t smoke but…’ format of the Mail commenters, I should declare that I own no dogs. Indeed, since the demise of my pond fish after two successive nasty winters a few years back, I have had no pets beyond the spiders who live here anyway and the sparrows I put food out for in winter. I’m thinking of getting some goldfish, the in-the-house variety rather than the grow-to-cat-scaring-size pond fish this time.

Nevertheless, I like dogs. They are marvellously nice-but-dim animals for the most part and providing they are not mistreated they are entirely harmless beasts. When I was young we had two dalmatians, which are dim even by dog standards and were eternally in a good mood. They usually had band-aids on the ends of their tails because they wagged their entire back ends with some force and normally clipped furniture with their tail-tips.

So why do I see ‘denormalisation’ here rather than just another lone psycho story? It’s not in the article. Check the worst-rated comments. Here is a selection.

Dogs should be outlawed anyway. Foul creatures. – David, Manchester, 10/2/2013 15:17

I suspect you will find these fields blighted by dogs fouling the are and this is an attempt to remedy the problem, maybe not the right approach, but quite effective. – Dave, Lancs, 10/2/2013 14:28

I hope a virus wipes out all dogs. Fancy letting your dog mess all over a playing field. How selfish these dog-owning plebs are. – maggio, london, 10/2/2013 18:00

Why are dogs on the fields in the first place? – abdul, Bradford, 10/2/2013 14:27

I hate dogs! Disgusting creatures. Put them back out in the wild. – Tom, Swindon, 10/2/2013 16:36

Might try this outside my front gate – absolutely sick to the back teeth if cleaning up/stepping in dog muck. – me somewhere, 10/2/2013 14:57

I just wish people would take this view over children who get abused !!these are dogs at the end of the day NOT humans they would digest them anyway and past them no harm done !!!people should spend more time concentrating on what important dogs and pets are not top of the agenda. – htt, uwishuwas, 10/2/2013 17:17

I think that the responsible person wants to keep the playing fields free of dog dirt or free of large, intimidating, inadequately trained dogs so that children can play safely there. It’s a bit of an extreme measure, but it’s the only kind of language that a certain type of dog owner is capable of understanding. – John Darke, Brno, 10/2/2013 14:32

Looking familiar yet? Replace ‘dogs’ with ‘smokers’ and it’s the same thing all over again, isn’t it? The only thing they haven’t yet worked out is why it could cost the NHS money but they’ll get to it. The level of intelligence of the drones is perfectly demonstrated by the commenter who thinks dogs can digest nails!

All you have to do with the drone army now is give them a target. Their hate is ingrained. It just needs a pointer. There are plenty of them out there.

So. How do we turn them on the Puritans?



30 thoughts on “Smokerdogs.

  1. Sheeesh…. “these are dogs at the end of the day NOT humans they would digest them anyway and past them no harm done !!!”

    I’ll bet the idiot who posted that also thinks that secondhand smoke is a deadly danger.

    – MJM


  2. The ‘dog menace’ stems from the usual – in fact, the thing that drives all ‘menaces’ the MSM gets in a panic about; the small minority of bad and selfish owners and the absolute refusal of the state apparatus to deal with them before it becomes too much, and the population then demands draconian penalties.


  3. All fall very nicely into the laps of a “Government” who are Hel bent on controling the population though. Makes you wonder WHO gave this “story” to the papers.

    “Create the circumstances, offer the cure, win the vote”. Not as if we have not seen that happen before in “recent” history.


  4. Perhaps we’ll see a move that’s similar to China.

    To help compensate for the one child policy, they now allow companion dogs.

    Small, very quiet and cuddly. Similar to a cat really, without the ability to fend for itself.


  5. Thank you! I’ve been watching the dog denormalisation for a while, but for some reason, never hit on the self defence reason for doing it.

    Our local council is spending millions on pet projects like Blackburn ‘youth zone’ while closing the last remaining care homes, yet the stories that get people in a sweat, always involve some latest campaign against dog poop.

    When I dare to mention that there are more important things, someone usually chirps up that doggy dos contain bacteria harmful to kiddies. Maybe this will provide the ‘cost to the NHS’ angle.

    We are wasting billions on kiddies who eat shit.


    • Dog crap, like most animal crap, contains bacteria and other things harmful to anyone. The best way to avoid infection is to not eat it or play with it. I have managed to resist such temptations for half a century so I reckon most people should be able to manage it.

      Incidentally, bird crap, which lands everywhere with nobody bothering about it because there’s nobody to blame (or fine), contains some pretty horrible diseases too. Don’t eat that either.


  6. I used to take my dog visiting the local hospital under the Pets As Therapy scheme (wouldn’t do it now in case he caught something nasty :)). Saved the NHS thousands by helping patients to perk up and recover more quickly.

    There have been anti-dog stories roaming the press for years, usually claiming that dogs contribute to global warming….


    • …usually claiming that dogs contribute to global warming….

      Well some of them do fart a lot. I had a Westie once (Gus; dear boy that he was) who probably drove global temperatures up by half a degree in his time on earth.


      • A friend of mine, long ago, had an ageing Staffordshire bull terrier. Very friendly beast unless you were a cat, hedgehog, or another dog in the wrong place. If he shifted his weight while lounging around, we soon learned to take that as a signal to hold our breath. His were silent but his arse was far worse than his bite.


  7. Dogs aren’t necessarily a problem when dealt with properly but I must say they can be an irritation at times due to poor training or stupid behaviour on the part of the owners. I’ve never understood the logic of wanting to own a dog but then locking it outside to bark incessantly due to getting no attention. Quite a few people seem to do this. Rules and bans are not the answer, but I’m not sure what is. The people who do this seem beyond “education”.

    There’s another irritating type of dog owner, thankfully a minority: those who assume that because they love their pet then everybody else will too. It should not be assumed that members of the public (or even expected house guests) are happy to have dogs jumping up on them, barking, growling, sniffing, licking and begging for food. Excuses like “he’s just doing his job” aren’t acceptable – the pet does not have a “job” and, at any rate, owners need to exercise training and discipline.

    Trained, well-behaved dogs can be a pleasure to watch and obviously bring a lot of joy to their owners. I’d never want one personally due to the cost, smell and general chaos of having one in the house, but that doesn’t mean others should be denied the right because of an inconsiderate few.


    • If I ever took on a dog, I’d go for an old mongrel from a home for the unwanted. Nothing too fast or boisterous, just a dog who could look at the world with the same roll of the eyes and shake of the head as I do.

      Most of those dog owners didn’t think before taking on a dog, I suspect. I don’t have one mainly because I don’t have time for training and don’t have time to give it attention so it really wouldn’t be fair on the dog. There was a co-worker, about ten years ago, who had a couple of very large dogs. He’d taken them on as puppies – but he was at work all day. It was routine for him to get home and find they’d trashed the house. They were bored.

      He never was. His life was filled with work and home repairs.


  8. Unsuited to living inside any decent home due to deplorable hygiene standards, they cost an absolute fortune to maintain. Yet Huddersfield is now awash with Romanian Shepherds.


    • Ah, the Fashionable Dog. As bad as the House Pig or now, the House Jellyfish.

      People will now pay vast sums to watch jelly float around. It’s only a matter of time before you can sell them a floating turd in a glass toilet and retire on the proceeds.


      • Slightly off-topic but they used to have a cut-away flushing toilet exhibit in the basement of the Science Museum, complete with very realistic turd and an automated ladle mechanism to flick it back into the pan after a flush. It might still be there, I don’t know. It’s been a few years since I last visited.


  9. Indeed, since the demise of my pond fish after two successive nasty winters a few years back, I have had no pets beyond the spiders who live here anyway

    You can supplement those spiders from Brazil.


    • The ones I have can grow sufficiently big that you can track them by their footsteps. At least none of them are deadly, except to flies (and in some cases, possibly mice). I hate flies.


  10. Cats are next on the list, they kill birds and frogs you know. Not that anyone really much cares about that, they wouldn’t be paving their gardens over if they did but it’s a useful starting point on the road to control. After that it will be rabbits and gerbils and budgies in fact anything that gives people enjoyment and an opportunity to have something in their lives which is just theirs.


    • Cat denormalisation has also been going for some time. The reason is less clear than with dogs. Cats won’t defend you in a crisis. They’ll just give you a look that says ‘Well? Do something. Sort this out and then feed me.’

      It could be a push to replace them all with electronic pets, at vast profit to someone, loads of tax to government and of course the ability to see you through your K9’s eyes.


  11. “Cat denormalisation has also been going for some time. The reason is less clear than with dogs.”

    Less clear? Are you out of your MIND? Haven’t you heard of people being ALLERGIC TO CATS? And… even WORSE…. allergic to the SECONDHAND CAT DANDER that cat owners blithely sprinkle all over creation, schools, workplaces, and strip clubs — killing untold millions, Next time you hear of a “death due to natural causes” check around to see if there had been a cat owner nearby… you’ll be surprised at how often there’d been one skulking in the background, shedding deadly flakes on all and anon (especially anon) and leaving a path of destruction in their wake.

    Less clear indeed! And don’t even get me STARTED on toxoplasmosis!

    – MJM


  12. I can’t say I like dogs that much but their owners are another thing altogether.

    Moved here about 12 months ago, nice area, new builds, small gardens. Seemed most people round-a-bouts were cat owners; including my neighbours whose cats are turning my lawn into a dumping ground… was thinking dynamite but the nail-laden sausages tip might be more window friendly.

    Suddenly though (a couple of weeks before Christmas) people have been acquiring dogs in the ‘hood. As most people here work; all you can hear all day long is woof woof woof bark bark bark. Its unceasing.

    I just don’t get dogs… I can appreciate the upsides but there seem a hell of a lot of downsides too. Why do people bother? I’d suggest the jelly fish instead… just keep them off my lawn.


  13. Barking dogs outside is something that I could see as a fairly reasonable government intervention. They really ARE very disturbing. I’d put at about the same level as an average nonsmoker being forced to go to bed at night while three or four smokers played a quiet but smokey game of all-night poker in the same room with them. Plus, if dogs are barking all the time it’s probably a sign that they’re not very happy, and it then becomes a question of cruelty to animals. While I may *eat* animals, that doesn’t mean I’m totally insensitive to cruelty toward them.

    Picture getting to “know” the dolphins in this video…

    and then picture what your feelings would be if someone came by, dragged one of the dolphins up on shore, and proceeded to literally torture it to death over the course of several hours.

    Would you shoot the torturer if they refused to stop and you had no other recourse? I’m willing to bet that a lot of folks, including most dedicated meat-eaters, would.

    – MJM


  14. Interesting article LI. I’ve often pondered on dog ownership and compared it in my mind to smoking – because I really get annoyed by dog mess in the street and in parks, just as some can’t stand smoking; and dog owners get a great deal of comfort and enjoyment from their pets, just as do smokers from tobacco. Dogs are now banned completely from many parks – the equivalent of banning smoking from all pubs. The obvious solution, which is probably in place in some locations, is to designate some areas where dogs can be allowed to roam free, still requiring the owners to pick up the mess, and some – where the football pitches are for example – where dogs are forbidden. This would virtually eliminate conflict – just as it would have done with smoking.


    • XX the equivalent of banning smoking from all pubs.XX

      No. It is NOT!

      Parks do not close due to lack of trade, and thousands of people do not loose their jobs because of some shity canine being banned from a patch of grass.


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