Stupidity comes in packs of eight now

The Daily Fabrication has acquired a list of the eight most ridiculous food-related gibberings of health ‘experts’. Follow them at your peril.

Let’s dissect them from the top:

1) Not planning your meals.

How can you not ‘plan’ a meal? If it’s in your fridge or cupboard then you planned to eat it, didn’t you? Does anyone buy food as fridge interior decoration? Okay, I know that’s what broccoli is for but I don’t buy that stuff. If I could preserve it forever I could use it as trees for a model railway but it has no other use.

I plan my meals depending on what I have available or whatever takes my fancy in the shop on the way home. Or on whatever I might get handed for free if I’m there when Local Shop does the date-expiry-checks,

As it’s payday on Friday and I have a little to spare, what took my fancy tonight was a lump of rump steak with a bottle of cut-price Aberlour for dessert. I already had frozen chips at home, also onions, mushrooms and tomatoes. They were there because they were all part of the plan. My plan. The one where I get to eat them all.

There is also a microwave chicken tikka masala in the fridge. I plan to eat that too. Just… not today.

Apparently not planning a meal results in you eating unhealthy food. Unhealthy food is food that has gone off. Food that has not gone off is not unhealthy. Too much of any kind of food is unhealthy. Even water.

 

2) Eating healthily during the week but taking the weekends ‘off’.

I am not currently eating healthily during the week. The problem with my diet is that there’s not enough food in it – which is why I’ve lost over half a stone since Christmas. That’s because of seven days a week working and not taking in enough calories to cover it. Actually, I don’t mind. I could stand to lose six or seven more pounds before getting into ‘gaunt’. Even then, a skeletal appearance, a black uniform… I could work with that. I’d just need a scythe.

This ‘weekend food binge’ is only a problem if you are overweight and actively trying to lose weight. If you are not trying to lose weight it matters not one jot. You’ll know if you are eating too much. Overeating makes your belt shrink. I have Expertly Said and Studiously Shown this to be true.

 

3) Having a glass of wine before bedtime.

Ridiculous. Unless you are as old as me in which case a high-volume drink of anything before bedtime means getting up again halfway through the night. In which case, whisky is a far better bet. Gives you sellable nightmares too πŸ˜‰

It’s claimed to be bad because a glass of wine contains 160 calories which, in the human metabolic scheme of things, is like blowing petrol fumes into your car’s tank and hoping it’ll last you the week. The average human needs around 2000 calories a day to stay alive at a desk job. My job burns more fuel. I can do an 8-hour shift and not sit down even once. At 2000 calories I lose weight fast. What I chiefly need is loads of fat in my diet… so I fried that rump steak in olive oil and then let the mushrooms soak up the oil.

Calories do not ‘add up over time’. You’ll burn off much more than a glass of wine’s worth while you’re asleep.

It’s like the Climatologist argument that when we put CO2 into the atmosphere, it stays there forever. It does not. Plants and algae and even some bacteria eat it up. Likewise, calories do not stay in you forever. By this argument, you could buy a new car, fill the tank once and that would be it for the next ten years.

 

4) Not drinking enough water.

Oh for… Try this test. Fill a glass with water. Start drinking. If you down the glass in one go, you were thirsty (or in my case, hungover). If you take a sip and pour the rest down the sink, you were not thirsty. That is how real life works. It’s easy if you just ignore the cretins trying to run yours for you.

You are told that you must drink two litres of water a day. The people who tell you this are idiots. The human body is somewhere above 80% water – so was that steak I had tonight. That glass of wine before bedtime is 85-90% water. If you eat lettuce it’s almost all water: basically it’s wet cellulose. That’s why rabbits have to eat their own shit. They don’t get enough nutrients from just one pass, they need to let their gut bacteria ferment some goodness into it and then they eat it again.

Same for cows, sheep, goats… although they have a better plan than shit-eating. They have a big bag called a rumen where the bacteria produce all they need from a lousy food like grass and then they digest the bacteria. Which are also mostly water.

Everything you eat is mostly water. Everything you drink is even more mostly water. Even this Aberlour here is 60% water. If you need two litres today, you have already eaten and drunk most of it anyway. If you do a heavy-lifting job in a hot summer you will need more water -but you will also need salt. Sweat loses water and also salt. Pile in the water and forget the salt and the world loses another gullible idiot. Yeah, okay, no biggie.

 

5) Skipping meals when you know you are going to indulge.

This one was declared by someone who never gets invited anywhere and it’s not hard to see why. They believe that if you skip one meal you might overeat at the next one. If you skip one meal and eat two at the next one, you take in exactly the same amount for the day.

On the very rare occasions I visit a restaurant I am well aware it’s going to cost some money. Far more than making the same meal at home. I’m not just paying for the food, I’m paying someone else to cook it, someone else to bring it to me and someone else to clear up afterwards. It’ll be expensive. Therefore I will be sure to eat all of it. Whether I am hungry or not.

If you don’t turn up hungry but feel obliged to complete the feast because of the cost, then you’ll get fat. But only if you do that often. Few do.

I suspect the originator of that particular piece of bar-room wisdom is one who does. And who is now a universally shunned fat bore in a string vest with a face like last week’s party balloon.

Not a role model I’d want to follow.

 

6) Eating lunch at your desk

Eating while sitting in a chair at your desk will make you all flabby and give you Cholesterol! – whereas eating while sitting at a chair at a dining table will make you svelte and athletic. See the difference? Of course not. There isn’t one.

It’s what you do when you are not sitting and eating that matters. If your job involves sitting at a desk all day you have two options. Reduce your calorie intake or go for a walk at lunchtime.

There used to be a TV ad that said ‘walking a mile uses the same calories as running a mile’ and people were amazed because people are, on the whole, rather dim. If you run a mile you burn calories faster but you complete the mile in seven or eight minutes. Unless you are an Olympic athlete in which case it would be about four. If you walk a mile you burn calories slower but the mile takes 15-20 minutes. The total calories burned are clearly the same. Even if you use a Zimmer frame and take three hours, the total calories are still the same. You can have a glass of wine at the end of the mile to begin the refuelling.

 

7) Overeating on the days you work out.

Well that’s easy. I avoid overeating on the days I work out buy having no days when I work out. No need. I get more exercise at work than the muscle lumps get at the gym and I get paid to go there. In your steroid-twisted face, gym members.

Suppose you have a car (yes again) and you drive it a little bit each day, to work and back and it uses a little bit of fuel every day. Then you drive it 500 miles one day and complain that it needs more fuel than usualΒ  Are you an idiot? You decide.

 

8) Adding salt to everything.

‘A teaspoon of salt is your entire daily allowance all at once!’

Who adds salt by the teapoon? That applies to sugar in tea. A teaspoon of salt is one hell of a lot of saltiness. Real people in the real world add a sprinkle now and then and if we eat too much salt, guess what? We get thirsty and drink more water. The balance is the thing. Your body knows this without using consciousness at all. These idiot drones tell you these things without using it either.

 

I do not accept anyone else’s declaration of my ‘daily allowance’ of anything. I am neither Cyberman nor Borg. I am me and I am not you. You want to believe yourself superior? Let’s discuss it over a drink. I will still be coherent while you go ‘Blalbla snickety foomwhat’ and I will leave you convinced of something I haven’t even thought of yet.

There will be many who believe this shite. Take comfort in the certainty that they won’t be bothering the rest of us for too long.

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42 thoughts on “Stupidity comes in packs of eight now

  1. There is not a day now when we hear some talking head tell us what we should be doing. Food talk? Ask more than one nutritionist and you’ll get a different reply from each one. In Edinburgh we are about to climb on the 20mph bandwagon, almost all roads will be 20mph limit. Great idea. They’ll be able to put much more polution into the air as buses, taxis, vans and lorries put out a huge amount of polution. It’s a safety measure but not if the polution gets you.

    We rarely used to throw food out because of dates and over the last few months we have been doing. Me thinks this is due to the reduction in preservatives.

    Lastly, broccoli. I worked in Lincolnshire for 18 months driving around helping small businesses. One morning I found myself on a narrow road with huge broccoli fields on either side. I was so tempted to drive my huge 4×4 all over the broccoli. A surgical strike against making bairns eat the stuff. Old George Bush said no one should ever have to eat broccoli. I’m with him on that and that only!!!!!

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    • Food poisoninbg cases increased after the preservatives were removed. There wasn’t anything more wrong with the food than before – people were still treating it as if it would last like it did before.

      I don’t worry if food is past the date on the pack as long as the pack hasn’t inflated and the food looks and smells okay. But then I cook most things to oblivion anyway.

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  2. For water, more is not always better. People with bad hearts may be better off drinking less fluids, because otherwise the fluids, water, can back up and cause painful edema, swollen joints, fluid in the lungs and breathing passageways leading to congestion and can cause other organs to fail eventually also, because of too much of the stuff. So that isn’t really a good thing to do for anyone with bad heart failure going on. It will only kill them faster.

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    • And I forgot to say, it might also be that some thinking they are “suffering from obesity”, it could be water retention, signaling a bad heart, yet they keep drinking more water instead of less, then they make the condition worse. So that really isn’t good advice for them to be telling everyone in general to be guzzling fluids, water, like it’s going out of style. It might not be fat in other words, on some people, yet they might not know because the advice is saying more water and lose weight, they might be causing people to overlook heart failure and other organ failure symptoms.

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      • I just have to say – I don’t suffer from obesity – I rather enjoy it.

        It allows me to keep the heat down in the apartment with all the extra internal insulation.

        It allows me to say “Why, yes…I will have a piece of pie” without worrying about where the extra calories will show up on my ass.

        It allows me to cook brocolli with an extra dab of melted cheese.

        And it allows me the time to walk….slowly….and see all the things that other people are missing as they dash along the sidewalk.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. No Broccoli? Each to his own.

    I never used to eat it either. Or cabbage. Or other green things. What changed was having to share a house with two chefs whilst working away from home (I hate living in hotels).

    I discovered that Broccoli can be quite nice if cooked properly, and cabbage even more so. Having to feed a half Italian restaurateur/head chef with something better than “just about edible” several nights a week forced me to learn to cook things properly and well. I’m still limited and still learning, but the food I do cook, I do really, really well.

    This year’s project is learning to do cakes and sweet stuff. Not something I tend to eat, but I’m going to take advantage of the continuing access to someone with 35 years of professional experience who enjoys passing it on.

    Oh. Off topic. Never mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oddly enough, broccoli is probably my favourite vegetable. As an accompaniment to a full roast dinner (something I cook fairly regularly in the winter, as my Thai wife loves it) it is quite sublime. Steamed to a point where it is soft but still slightly crunchy, a few knobs of salted butter, a sprinkle of salt and plenty of fresh ground black pepper. Yum!

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s the strong-flavoured green I don’t much like. Sprouts, broccoli, asparagus and similar. If it’s on the plate I’ll eat it, but I won’t be the one who put it there.

      I’m not completely anti-veg though. Lettuce and tomato are fine with bacon in a sandwich, and onion and cucumber go perfectly with cheese in another sandwich.

      Fish and chips just wouldn’t be the same without mushy peas πŸ™‚

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  4. Funny old world, innit?

    National newpaper publishes idiocy on food advice, some of which is positively wrong. This is a Good Thing.

    Actor uses a currently forbidden word (but one much often used by the likes of Muhammed Ali and yes, even Dr Luther King) in a speech complaining about dicrimination. This is a Bad Thing, so Bad that the contents of the speech don’t count. Actor instantly issues grovelling apology.

    Sportsman tweets that the minimum wage earners in this country are in the top 1% of global earners. This is true and undeniable, but he tweeted with a sanctimonious air, so this is a Bad Thing and he instantly apologises.

    A government minister decides off her own bat, without consulting any colleagues, that she is going to introduce plain packaging of cigarettes, because the Labour Party are saying that they themselves are going to do it. Using her own logic, smoking kills everyone who holds a cigarette and those unfortunate to be standing in a thirty yard radius of said person. Research in Australia has shown that plain packs increase smoking amongst the cheeeldren. Therefore millions of cheeeldren and anybody standing next to them will be killed by this legislation, but the minister may have garnered as many as three extra votes for the Tories. This is a Good Thing, despite the fact that we must protect children from everything, killing people is wrong (admittedly unless you are a provoked Muslim) and everyone hates the Tories.

    Funny old world, innit?

    Liked by 3 people

  5. XX You are told that you must drink two litres of water a dayXX

    Hahahahahaha!

    Try 10 to 15 liters in winter and 10 to 20 in summer, you arseholes!!! And I am STILL thirtsty!

    Two liters per day! A wonder the bastards are not dying of dehydratation.

    Point two, what is wrong with broccoli?

    LOVE the stuff with a cream cheese and garlic sauce.

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      • XX No no FT, they said WATER, not RUM! XX πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

        Rum comes on TOP of that.

        Seriously!

        Nephrogenic diabetes insipidus.

        Pretty rare in the U.K. In Germany every doctor and even nurse, knows of it.

        “Diabetes” is a false description, really, but in Victorian times it was named “Drinking diabetes.” In that the water intake was the same as people with “real” diabetes, so the name stuck.

        It has to do with salt levels in the blood and in-particular, the kidneys. The body does not get rid of salt efficiently, so you are always left thirsty. And ONLY water works.

        You can drink ten liters of beer, and still need a pint of water to stop the thirst.

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    • If you hide it in cheese and garlic sauce so it’s really just the lumps that hold the sauce up, then I’d probably eat it too.

      I’ve no idea how much water I drink. There’s a cold-water machine at work and I deal with dusty things, and then there’s the wake-up rehydration dose, so it’ll be at least a few litres a day.

      It’s also a good idea to drink a large glass of water before starting the whisky. Never drink whisky when you’re thirsty – it just makes it worse.

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  6. The Flail are outstanding at hyperbole, especially repackaging others’ hyperbole. Take this story for instance:

    ‘Much of the country was gripped by major disruption today as “thundersnow” storms brought travel chaos, closing more than 300 schools, roads and an airport .’

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/wires/pa/article-2930851/Thundersnow-storms-set-pelt-UK.html

    Oh no, not … THUNDERSNOW!

    In January 2012, there were 24,372 school in the UK. But closing 300 odd schools for a day throws the country into ‘major disruption’

    https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/number-of-schools-teachers-and-students-in-england

    It’s just a load of fear-mongering twaddle – no wonder ‘comments are closed’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha ha ha, ‘thundersnow’. Sounds like a cartoon superhero.

      The terror of a few inches of snow, eh? I remember opening the door to go to work and the snow was halfway up it. I closed the door, phoned work with ‘maybe later’ and went back to bed. A few inches and I don’t need the shovel, just a brush.

      Even as recently as ten years ago, a few feet of snow was a minor inconvenience. We’d just wait for the snow ploughs to pass by and it was business as usual.

      It’s a weak civilisation out there. Last days of Rome, all over again.

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  7. On the subject of the Daily Wail, there is an article featuring photos from the 50s and 60s including one of charity fundraisers at what looks like an agricultural show who were “Collecting for the Spastics” – I nearly choked when I saw it at the Wail actually featuring even a photo that wasn’t PC – but then they felt obliged to point out in the caption that “spastic” is “no longer acceptable”…. How sad that we’ve come to the stage where it’s thought necessary to comment on a term that was widely used – without malice – at a time depicted in a photograph.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2931389/From-Queen-Mother-prime-day-beach-Box-colour-slides-bought-13-car-boot-sale-shows-Britain-looked-innocent-age.html#comments

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  8. AN ANNOYING SIDE EFFECT OF MY TOBACCO SMOKING ENJOYMENT

    Nicotine, in its natural form, is an oily liquid that easily mixes with the moisture of your skin, absorbing deep into it’s many layers. Some products that promise removal are harsh chemical soaps that dry out your skin, cause your cuticles to crack and still leave a trace of brown. These inexpensive, simple and natural methods can ensure that you never have those ugly nicotine stains on your fingers again.

    I am talking about nicotine stains on my fingers. I understand nicotine, in its natural form, is an oily liquid that easily mixes with the moisture of my skin. Unfortunately, in my case, it has now absorbed deep into many layers of my finger flesh/nails. Ugly brown stains that have defied all my nicotine eliminate methods used.

    Natural methods such as lemon or potato juices are useless. Harsh chemical soaps and even household cleaning substances, industrial disinfectants bleach etc do not work. Soaking in varies liquid pharmaceutical compounds mixed in water also do nothing.

    Can anybody offer me some practical solutions other than skin removal surgery?

    More appreciated if you can demonstrate evidence a method has worked for you.

    Please don’t post any links to all those self help websites about nicotine stain removal. Been there, done it. All futile. And please no advice about the merits of filter tips, cigarette holders etc.

    Moralising anti smokers not welcome either.

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    • Engine oil many thousands of miles old causes a similar staining. I’ve found that, after a major engine dismantling, a quick soap and water wash followed by hand-making a batch of bread dough solves the problem. Just be careful not to eat the bread afterwards. Would I lie to you?

      Of course I would but I did unthinkingly do it once and my hands came out spotless; the bread was slightly darker than expected . . .

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      • I can identify with that. Many years ago I worked as a baker. There was no hand washing between completing and starting the next different bread product. Our greasy hands were, for instance, cleaned spotless hand doughing bread rolls. (no worries, when fired in the oven, any untoward germs left in or on the dough are incinerated and eliminated).

        Crafting dough into bread rolls and loaves don’t clean off the hands any nicotine stains though.

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    • Pumice stone and warm soapy water is the traditional method – see last scene of Up Pompeii.

      But there may be advantages.

      Deposition of Wilhelm C. Hueper 1957

      β€œThe hands of tar workers develop skin cancer, the marked drenchings of the fingers, the skin of the fingers which holds the cigarette, which are sometimes deeply brown stained have never so far as I know, developed cancer of the skin.

      One of the gentlemen, the proponents of the cigarette theory, has tried to explain that phenomenon by saying that the first three fingers of the right hand of man have a natural immunity against cancer.”

      Q – Who is that?

      A – Lickint.

      http://legacy-dc.ucsf.edu/action/document/page;jsessionid=B0B4E7A290C9EBBF9E6FBAC12BC43EEA.tobacco04?tid=tdd68d00&page=81

      Lickint also invented passive smoking.

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      • Pumicing works a treat for light stained nicotine fingers. However my fingers are heavy stained and pumicing or even sand papering don’t remove the stuff.

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        • Try doing it in the bath after soaking for a bit and use a nice bubbly stone, not one of those dense machined ones.

          I do know that using a bucket of brewing cleaner/sterilzer powder will take the stains off the glass drops from a chandelier, but I couldn’t recommend soaking your hands in it.

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    • Moralising antismokers are not likely to come here. At least not more than once πŸ˜‰

      I get the staining if I smoke roll-ups, but not when using home-made cigarettes. I think it must be because the paper is quite a bit thicker for the tubes. It’s not the filter, I use filters in the roll-ups too and get the yellow fingers anyway.

      Took quite a while to fade, and soon comes back if I’m on the rollies again (every time my parents come back from holiday, they bring a load of tobacco and tell me I shouldn’t smoke!).

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        • Up Yours (‘V’) is a good assertive attitude if one is self conscious about others negative reactions to ones not so perfect body parts appearance. This is not my case. I just feel unclean having nicotine stained fingers and nails.

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      • A pack of 20 machine made filter tipped cigarettes have the paper sealed on the tip. Also the tip forms quite a large percentage of the over all lengh of the cigarette. Practicly no nicotine reaches the finger tips when smoking. However, I like my tobacco strong. Very strong. Offer me a filter tipped ciggie and I’ll break off the tip before smoking it. Offer me a roll up, and yes I will keep any tip in but smoke down through the tip for a nice finishing strong kick. (oh for the days of Capstan full strenth and other plain cigarette brands!).

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        • I smoke rollies without filter, have for years, but I get very little nicotine staining on my fingers, if any. Maybe it’s the way I hold them? Or maybe the first three fingers of my right hand (the left, in my case) have a natural immunity to nicotine staining…

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        • The tubes I use have a filter that only goes halfway up the brown end πŸ˜‰

          How about a sticking plaster on the finger? Won’t get the stains off but might give then a chance to fade. You’d have to be careful not to set fire to it if you smoke them right down.

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  9. Does anyone know an “app” that will somehow ping us when there are cheapish malts in the supermarket? My nearest supermarket is Waitrose (the *shame*), but the Aberlour was only (ha!) 24 quid, and I’ve drunk a great deal worse.

    I still dream about my time in Nottingham when Sainsbury’s had Arbeg for 22 quid (ok, 10yro). Someone I used to work for gives me a bottle at Christmas, and I swear the sound of it glugging into a tumbler brings me close to ejaculating. My nervous system sings out like the Hallelujah chorus when the first slurp hits my esophagus. Or whatever it’s called.

    Is whisky cheaper in England??

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    • I remember being able to afford Ardbeg – before the price went sky high!

      Another one to watch for is Ledaig, often at a good price in Morrison’s. Not as smoky as Ardbeg but it’s in there.

      Like

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