Then they came for the Daily Mail and there was nobody left to speak out for them.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

Excuse me. Have to have a good ten-minute Joker laugh first.

That’s better. Uh-oh, there’s one more. Wooo-hahaha. Right, that’s all of it out of my system.

The Daily Mail has spent years reporting, po-faced, that ‘the tobacco industry must not have a say in the legislation aimed at them’, ‘the drinks industry must not have a say in the legislation aimed at them’, ‘the overweight must be controlled’, ‘the salt shakers must be controlled’ because those proposing the strict controls on our lives are Those Who Know Best. We must not be allowed to have a say because we are all tobacco/booze/food/salt/etc addicts who are criminals, damn it. Criminals! Since when did criminals get to argue about their sentences? Shut up, criminal and let Those Who Know Best run your life for you, for they have no lives of their own.

The Mail supported it all. They showed picture after picture of town centres on weekend nights. None of the Righteous commenters seemed to notice that often, five pictures with different captions were of the same two people. Possibly the only two troublesome drunks the Mail reporters found that night. Or perhaps, the only two they found who didn’t manage to send the Mail reporter home with several flash photos of his own rectal contents and a funny walk.

They have whipped up a frenzy of smoker-hatred, a large helping of chubby-derision, and have told us we are going to die from a sprinkling of salt, a glass of shandy or one piece of buttered toast.

In all cases, the Mail was delighted to report that anyone opposing the New Puritans would have no say at all in how the controls were implemented. Their voices would not be heard.

Now the Mail is in a tizzy again. This time over Hacked Off, a bunch of unelected self-interested scummy bastards who want to stop the Press telling everyone they are self-interested scummy bastards. Hacked Off call for transparency and refuse to say who funds them. Hacked Off were involved in the all-party talks on press regulation that the press weren’t told were even happening. Hacked Off have now said this:

Mr Tomlinson, who was one of four Hacked Off representatives present at the late night talks where the deal was hammered out, said newspapers were not entitled to a fresh chance to influence ministers.

‘We don’t think they are entitled to lobby,’ he said.

Well, the Daily Mail are positively apoplectic about that. How dare an unelected bunch of scummy bastards presume to dictate Government policy in secret meetings against a group who are not even told their trial is happening until sentence is passed? How can they have access to the heads of all three major parties and then declare that those the new laws are aimed at have no right to lobby? How dare they declare that the targets of the new rules do not even have the right to speak in their own defence?

As a smoker, drinker, (not a fatty but solidarity, big folk, solidarity), lover of salt and butter and other real foods, as someone who is going to live my life my way, not some half-baked busybody’s way, I would very much like to say:

“You know what, Daily Mail? You know what, all you newspapers? Fuck you. You will get no support from me at all. I will encourage and inflame the case for your demise at every opportunity. You were instrumental in bringing about the Hell that so many of us have to deal with and the sooner you are gone, the better.”

I won’t though. Not least because this new silencing of free speech is likely to affect blogs but won’t affect the BBC. That’s right, the BBC are exempt but little backwater blogs like this one are not.

So instead of turning away and letting those who have hated me for years just die, I offer a little advice.

You newspapers know who the front-men are in Hacked Off and you know some of the backers. Let’s take a prominent example. Hugh Grant. Here’s what I would do right now if I were you. I’m speaking to all newspapers here. All you have to do is comply with his demand for privacy to the letter.

Delete every story in your archive that mentions his name.

Delete every photo of him in your database.

Delete every review of everything he has ever been in.

When reporting on Hacked Off in future, refer only to ‘a Mr. Grant’ and do not include a photo. Better yet, use a pixellated photo and caption it ‘blurred to respect Mr. Grant’s demand for privacy’. Even better yet, use a pixellated photo of Shrek.

Report nothing on the man in any way at all. Do not cover any films or other roles he appears in in the future. Show no pictures of him and do not mention him when reporting on any showbiz parties or awards ceremonies.

No matter how outrageously he behaves, don’t report it. Not one word. Even if he wins the Nobbly prize for unelected petty dictator of the year, don’t report a single word.

He says he wants privacy from the Press but really he wants you to report the good stuff and keep quiet about the bad stuff. Give him total privacy. Absolute and unconditional privacy. Report nothing at all about him, ever. Either you can report it all or you report nothing at all. Allow no middle ground.

Producers will soon realise that any film with him in the cast will not get a single mention in the press, at least in the UK.

Do the same with all those in Hacked Off who want their privacy. No mention at all and no photos and all past mentions and all photos taken offline. Do not back down, never reinstate anything and accept no apology. Once you take this step it is irrevocable, the complainant has demanded privacy and you have complied. Totally. Above all, permanently. They cease to exist. They become an unperson. Yes it’s Orwellian but what the hell, everything else is now. You might as well play the game because you’re in it, like it or not.

That action is not illegal, it is merely complying with their demands to the letter. Do it once and you are unlikely to ever need to do it again. They won’t let you have a voice. You have the power to reciprocate. Do it. Damn, you gutless buggers, DO IT! Grow a spine, or order one from ‘Spines in Brine’ or some such supplier. Follow the installation instructions and switch it on.

Oh for… Look, Murdoch, just put me in charge of your papers and I’ll make the man disappear tomorrow. In a week he’ll never have existed at all. I’ll misspell his name in future reports and the public will have forgotten him entirely by the summer. He’ll pop up on the BBC next September and people will squint at the screen and say ‘Didn’t he used to be somebody?’

Bend over and take it if you want to, newspapers. Smokers didn’t. We went underground because we had no power. You have a massive amount of power over those whose careers depend on publicity. Use it. Shut one of them down and watch the others squeal. But you cannot falter and you cannot go back. If you do, you expose the meat of your neck to these predatory control freaks and that will be the end of you.

So, newspapers, having shown you a simple, perfectly legal and quite reasonable way out of your predicament, how about cutting the smokers some slack in return?

No? I didn’t really expect anything in return. There was never any way to trust the press from a smoker’s point of view. You lot still hate me and I still hate you.

It’s just that I hate the control-freaks more.

 

Hugh Grant… HG… Hg… mercury… slippery and toxic.

Just musing on the ‘what’s in a name’ theme here. Don’t mind me. I’ll probably have to delete the whole post when he gets his way but I would have anyway.

It has his name in it.