Science bites back.

The push to scare everyone off Electrofag continues with another exploding battery plugged into the wrong charger. No actual Electrofag, as usual. Just the battery. Because no mobile phones have ever gone pop while charging…

Yawn. Yet another pathetic attempt to justify yet another pointless ban. Electrofag is getting some of those ex-smokers, now vapers, back into pubs. Can’t have that, now can we? Some pubs might actually survive! We threw these wretched people out into the street, why can’t they just stay out there and let the pubs die? It looks like smoking and that is enough. Bar staff can’t tell the difference even when you puff on something that looks like a sonic screwdriver and the end lights up blue. In which case, watch out if you like to write in pubs and have a pencil-chewing habit. You’re next. Expect to hear a revival of the old ‘there is lead in pencils’ silliness.

Oh no! It’s worse than lead! It’s CARBON! Everyone in the pub will die. Chewing pencils causes gobble warming. The bar staff will get second hand scribbles. (makes note to remember to tell the drones that pencils are made of carbon).

Don’t expect any branch of science to weigh in on behalf of the vapers, and especially not the smokers, in the forseeable future. That’s more of a career killer than studying telepathy.

Even the antismokers don’t want vaping to succeed. It eats into their profits from band-aids with liquidised fags in them and gum made from ashtray contents. I’ve tasted it. It does taste like it’s made from ashtray contents. Nobody is going to swap smoking for that.

I wonder if I can convince the drones that all the gum they see on the pavements is in fact nicotine gum? They don’t have to believe all of it contains nicotine, they just have to realise that they don’t know which ones do, so don’t know which ones to avoid touching. Dance, pilgrim, dance.

No, we can expect no revisitation of the fakery behind smoking science other than all the work Professor Junican has done. In other areas though, the Cancerous Controllers are experiencing some resistance. Viewed from Cullingworth, here is an excellent breakdown of why the Church of Climatology is failing at an ever-increasing rate.

Lies and obfuscation are temporary bluffs, just to give you time to get away from someone planning to beat you to a pulp because they realised that what you said was a gross insult, sooner than you expected. Trust me on this one. They are not things that work forever. Sooner or later, everyone sees through them and if you haven’t had the sense to be far away when they do, somebody is going to get hurt.

The biggest push-back so far is against the new mantra of ‘Meat is Bad’. This one comes from all angles – the Green Vegetables, the Dawn of the Zombie Vegans, the Ecofreakos and all those who just want to control us for the sake of it.

Note: As usual, those who don’t eat meat but don’t insist we all live the same way are simply referred to as vegetarians or vegans. Those who don’t eat meat and demand that I can’t have any either are a) Green Vegetables, b) Zombie Vegans and c) on a future menu.

Today’s big scare is that meat will have Living Things crawling around in it when you eat it!

Not if you cook it properly it won’t. There is always a chance of some unpleasant little life form on meat. It does come from animals after all. As for chicken, the roasted ones are lovely but the living ones are the source of a stench stronger than an MP’s expenses claim sheet. Cook them until you can shatter the skin with a fork and carve the meat off with a hard stare (chickens or MPs, I don’t care which but add sugar to the MP to counteract the bitterness).

As long as food is properly cooked there is nothing to worry about. Oh, and cook a whole chicken breast-down. Stops it going dry. You can stop a dismembered chicken breast going dry by wrapping it in bacon before putting it in the oven. It’ll look pink (from the bacon) but it’ll be fine as long as it’s cooked right through. You get non-dry chicken and you also get bacon. Win-win.

Any shop selling meat that you can strap a collar and lead onto and walk out of the shop will not be a meat shop for long. No regulations needed – a shop that routinely gives customers a dose of squirty-bottom soon has no more customers. The good ones stay in business, the rubbish ones go bust. I know communists don’t like that but that’s not even capitalism. That’s just real life.

Naturally, in line with the rest of the monotonous same-story crap spouted by the creatively challenged Cancerous Controllers, meat gives you cancer and is as bad for you as smoking. But… but… I like Parma ham and smoked bacon! I am surely doomed! Eating smoked meat, drinking smoky whisky and actually smoking and yet I just had another of those birthday things. Every year, the scaremongers tell me it will be my last and yet, every year, another one comes around. This has been going on for decades. I feel justified in questioning the accuracy of their predictions. We’d all be better off just reading the newspaper horoscopes. At least they guess right once in a while and they aren’t all bad news.

A group of real scientists tried to shout down that last blast of nonsense. Proper experts in the field of protein nutrition. Actual, proper scientists as opposed to pot-smoking Californian hippies with ragged beards and charity-shop tank-tops who were employed to fill some lab-coats covered in Peruvian embroidery and late night taco stains.

This group of real scientists wrote to the editors of the journal concerned to express their amazement that this freakish twisting of reality could appear in a reputable publication (they put it a little more diplomatically than that). The editors refused to publish their comments as a letter to the editor and directed them instead to an online forum nobody bothers to read.

This wasn’t some backwater comic that routinely publishes papers lifted from 1970s journals that aren’t online, a quick change of author names and hey presto, a publication. That happens. I was one of those who liked to spend time down in the library stacks rather than restrict myself to the 1980s and later. An awful lot of good research has been forgotten and some of it has been nicked and republished.

No, this wasn’t one of those. This was a big journal. A journal you only have to get one paper into and your career is made. They let the Cancerous Controllers and their strange little men of backward science go unchallenged. They refused to listen to the real experts. But it is good to see the real scientists biting back at last and not leaving it at ‘publication refused’ any more. A good sign.

Their message is out there anyway. Just like the rebuttal of Climatology. Even the big journals are going to go down with this ship, it seems. Maybe we can look forward to the revival of ‘Aberdeen Letters in Ecology’, a short-lived little journal I once had a paper in. It never made it to the big time, in fact it faded away once its originator retired. Never even got as far as true publication – it was still at the ‘print and staple’ stage. Pity. The editor was fussy about what he’d accept even at that early stage. The journal had the right ethos.

Maybe, in this modern world of ‘here are the conclusions, find the numbers to fit’ it would be doomed anyway.

Remove all salt from your diet and you die. Eradicate all forms of fat and you die. Refuse to eat anything made of carbohydrate and you die.

Cut your protein intake right back and… sarcopenia

I’m still having fun with trying to revive pellagra. This is a new one to play with. “Eat meat and you will fail your sarcopenia test next time you visit the quack”.

“Doctor, did my sarcopenia tests come back?”

“You have it.”

[Drones punches the air] “Yes! I passed that one! Now, how about a pellagra test? I think I’m ready.”

As for me, I am a sample size of one, irrelevant in any definition of science. Not even the fakes would go so low. So this is all anecdotal and not science at all.

I am mid-fifties, eat loads of protein especially in the form of meat, salt, fat, carbohydrate, anything I can get. I smoke. I drink more than the made-up weekly limits even when, as this week, on early shift. I will eat fruit and vegetables but refuse to count them and rarely get to five a day. I will never achieve ten, I will not even try. Unless the fermented stuff counts.

My medication count is zero. I will take aspirin when in extreme pain. Last time I visited the NHS they tested everything because I said ‘yes’ to the smoking question. I had machines stuck to me I didn’t know existed. They found nothing. At the time I was a bit fat with a slightly shiny liver but fixed that within three months. With no pharmaceuticals.

I am not even overweight and not underweight either. I ignore all medical advice and actively go against it. There is nothing at all wrong with me. Well, physically.

Refusing fats will ruin the structure of every cell in your body. All your body cells are held together with a membrane made of fat. Refusing carbohydrates will mess up your liver and bugger your brain. Refusing salt will wreck your nervous system and your body’s isotonic balance (the drones think they know what that is, and that it is magically fixed by sports drinks even though the only sport they ever do is on an Xbox). By now you are confused and stupid but still dangerous. You can still hit.

Take away your protein and soon you don’t have the muscle power to get out of bed.

Even if you could remember how…

They don’t need a big war to reduce world population. All they need is stupidity and gullibility. There’s a lot of both around.

What they have failed to understand is that the ones who will be left will not be the easily controlled drones. All those will be dead.

They’ll be left with the likes of us.