Subliminal

I am covered in white paint. The kitchen is done (no photos until the floor tiles are down, they will be last) and I finally have an oven that isn’t 10% broken glass. The floor tiles are the vinyl sticky-down ones. Cheap and easily replaced if damaged.

The whole kitchen was pretty cheap because it’s a small kitchen and I have a year to pay for it all. The oven was expensive, but that wasn’t optional. The last one broke in spectacular fashion. Fortunately the hob, extractor etc were all in fine fettle. I clean the hob after every use. Not because I’m anal about it but because if you use it dirty, it cooks the dirt on and then it’s hell to clean. If you clean it after every use it’s just a matter of a quick wipe and it’s done. With care it’ll last forever.

The extractor was an interesting thing. I noted it needed a new filter (never opened it before) and Kitchen Guy asked me why I needed a filter at all. The hood vents to outside. There is no purpose in having a filter unless it recirculates into the kitchen. Well, since it vents to the side Plastic Man lives on… sod the filter. He can suffer the horror of second hand bacon and the terror of second hand fried bread. Let him smell it every day while his wife tries to make him lose weight.

Today I painted the kitchen, starting with the ceiling, hence my personal white paint coating. No ladders – I do not mix well with ladders – I used a roller with an extendable handle and a brush taped to a stick for the edges. When painting ceilings, a floor mounted light is very useful. I have a massive halogen death-ray masquerading as a work lamp that I bought from a company called Screwfix several years ago. It was surprisingly cheap. The thing is, when painting ceilings, the last thing you want is light directly in your eyes. Most people fix their main light to the ceiling. I do too. Turn that thing off and get a floor mounted light. Then you can paint without being blinded.

Also, as I was painting new white over old white, it can be hard to tell if you missed a bit. The floor light reveals all.

Poundland sell a painting sheet made of surprisingly thin plastic. It doesn’t look all that big in the pack but when you unfold it, it’s vast. Tape it to the top of the wall cupboards and in my small kitchen, there was no danger at all of even one drop of paint landing where it wasn’t wanted. It looks like it was painted by someone who actually knew what they were doing.

There is paint on the floor but… the floor is going to be replaced. Just as well. I’ve made a hell of a mess of it.

I’m often asked why I always paint the kitchen white. ‘White shows up all the dirt’, they say. Well yes, and that’s the point. I do not want dirt in the kitchen and white makes it easy to find and exterminate. Other rooms can be any colour but in the kitchen, dirt matters.

You would think I would also paint the bathroom white, but I don’t. Consider what you are expelling in there. It is a naturally shitty place. The kitchen is not, or shouldn’t be.

Switching subjects, I showed my Ubuntu-enhanced laptop to someone who is sick of Windows today. Mr. Gates, can I just say Ha ha! You just lost another income stream.

Now, I know you’ve been looking for the subliminal message in that pile of rambling nonsense so here’s the answer. There isn’t one. It’s here, in a photo I took on holiday on my short visit to the harbour at Crail.

Aberdeen has a similar bye-law although you wouldn’t think it if you saw the Red Stripe drinkers massed on street corners and park benches. What Aberdeen doesn’t have is that ‘No thanks’ in exactly the same pattern as the ‘No to Independence’ campaign.

Here is a little observation tower at Crail –

It doesn’t show too well in that photo but the tower has a Union flag on top. Other small towns flew the Saltire. Crail, it seems, is a ‘no’ to independence. Hence the ‘no thanks’ logo on the anti-drink law sign.

What interests me is whether the towns flying the Saltire would have ‘Public drinking? Yes please!’ signs. Because that is what that sign implies.

I’d go to those towns.