Leaking Secrets

Like most people, I have accumulated many secrets. Including some seriously dark ones. They were not as deliberately concealed as some people’s. It’s more that I just haven’t spoken about them before and didn’t realise just how much weight gets taken off you when you tell someone. I have always fixed things myself, with no outside help, and just locked away anything that could not be fixed.

So I’ve been telling some people. A few people have bits, one has much more than most. Nobody knows it all. There are decades of it to come out yet and it starts in earnest on July 13th. A date not chosen at random. It will become clear in time. Yes, more secrets…

There are going to be huge changes in this life. I have two points of stability in the chaos to come and one of them is this blog. The other lives in Denmark… for now.

I’m going to take my life apart and it’s going to be messy for a while. I have planned how it should go, considered and prepared counteractions for every eventuality. I have been meticulous in the scheme of the coming chaos and yet, I have to admit, I’m scared. I cannot foresee every single detail. Something can go wrong. There is someone who can royally fuck up the entire plan. Even though they cannot stop me they can deflect the path I have mapped out.

What I plan to do is probably impossible but I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Because finally I recognise that I really don’t much like my life. It’s way past time I did something about it.

I’m home again but this isn’t home any more. I used to like being alone but now I’m not sure I really ever did. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking I liked it, maybe I just got drunk and let the happy-water take the bad memories away. It didn’t really work. It just kept the ghosts out.

I’ve barely touched alcohol for nine days now and the ghosts are back with a vengeance. It’s time to face them and break them. Oh they’ll fight back. They already have a few times, but I won those rounds with help. I’ve tried to beat them alone in the past but that’s proved too impossible even for me. They just pushed me back into the bottle of jolly forgetfulness – but no more.

This is why I’ve woken some old personas. Dume and Crowe. They had a reason to exist. Yes, I made them up but they were always parts of me. Crowe was denial, the exclusion of the world I could never cope with. Dume was the writer whose first ever story submission was accepted, the fantasy world that was better and actually less dark than the real one.

It was better than reality because i could control it. Dume’s world seemed like a sort of casual psychopathy but I always knew what would happen next. It was my own creation and I was in total control. Leg-iron came later but again, I was in total control of those drunken rages.

And yet… they were control over a fantasy world in both cases. The loner, the hermit, the recluse who only shows his face in text on a screen. For the chaos to come I will need Crowe again – the one with cool control over what happens inside. The reason he came into being will start to become clear on July 13th. He was my first withdrawal from a shitty life and yet he will be instrumental in my finding a way back out of it. I need all my demons now, and yet I will kill them all on the way back. Crowe can do that.

I’ve now told Boss some things about my past, and my future plans, that shocked her. The first text I had on arriving back in this country was from her – she had been concerned that I might not come back and I very nearly didn’t. But I have. Not just for Boss but also for another reason. The wedding that I went on that drinking trip to Frankfurt for. I have to go to that and play my part.

So my secrets have started to leak and I actually feel pretty good about it. Only a month to the tsunami of madness so I’ll leak one little one for you right now.

Remember the guy in the lobster suit?

He’s my son.

 

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97 thoughts on “Leaking Secrets

  1. I hope you are doing the right thing LI, it will be hard to break the shell you have built and it may have unexpected results. I can’t help thinking about the Capt. and wondering if bringing up long buried secrets really helped him. Whatever, I hope everything goes well with you and the lady and look forward to all your posts. You know we will always be here for you no matter what.

    Liked by 2 people

      • You have enriched all our lives. We are here to help you if we can.

        Like the Norwegian Captain of a sunk ship, who got rescued in “The Cruel Sea”, and who came to insist on drinking to the corvette commander who saved him and his crew, and who ran over other living men in the water, to sink the sumbarine (oh, that reminds me…! See below….)

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        • Old man, do read “The Cruel sea” by Nicholas Monsarrat (a scouser, who went to sea in the Merchant Navy and as an RNVR, and then wrote fictionally about what he actually saw, as lieutenant “Lockhart” – now there’s a sonorous name!) You’ll understand it perfectly; and you’ll cry often while you read it. It is a sad and uplifting book, and I think it will help you and help purge some of the demons for you.

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  2. I wish you’d stop doing that!

    Every time I read what you write I read a section and go ‘Yep, that’s me, or been there, too’. Part of why I love the interwebz has been the realisation that there ‘are’ others out there like me, that I’m not as weird/strange/different as I thought (much like I go morning-coffee-people-watching so that I can remind myself I’m not really as weird looking as I thought – compared to some here I’m positively staid, and a touch Brad Pittish even, well, if you squint and it’s dark … and don’t know who Brad is).

    I’ve been treading water (stewing/vegitating/hiding?) for quite a while but … you (and you know) have prompted … some movement – the plans afoot (‘well he’s doing it’ tinged with a bit of jealousy is a powerful motivator).

    We all have ghosts (I have some doozies) but … thinking on it I’ve decided (your fault) that that Mary Black song The Thorn Upon the Rose rings true for me (in life if not necessarily, but maybe eventually, in love):

    β€œFor all the bruises,
    For all the blows,
    I’d rather feel the thorn,
    than to have never seen the rose.”

    I sudenly want some flowers in my life again.

    So? Keep it up, you’re someones inspiration (just please keep mentioning, often if possible, all the worries, terror and sleepless nights so that I don’t feel quite so pathetic on my own lol).

    Liked by 2 people

    • It was just this week that I realised I am terrified by what I plan to do. And that I’ve never really been scared before, not since I was very young. Something happened back then that took all the fear out of me – but that’s yet another story.

      I’ve just bumbled from one disaster to the next and accepted it all. No plan, no thinking ahead, so no reason to be scared. Now I have a plan and it scares the bejesus out of me! But I won’t back down, no matter what.

      There’ll be sleepless nights and worries and terrors but at the end of it all there will be, as you say, flowers in my life again. Can I turn an entire life around at this age? Well I have a new saying now, one that started recently – ‘it’s probably impossible but I’m going to do it anyway’.

      If you want those flowers you have to go get them. They won’t appear on their own πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 2 people

      • THE PLAN is always when it gets scary, here is why, before THE PLAN it’s all conjecture once THE PLAN comes it is a real event and you have set something in motion. That’s when the fear comes, because you know there is no going back now. πŸ™‚
        Remember a plan is fine, it’s good, but don’t get phased by needing to change it, because sometimes even the best plans have a flaw and need tweaking.
        Sounds to me you are very like me in that department “You need to know” the outcome and eventuality.
        Just remember you are winging it now and go with the flow , you can’t always plan everything. My plan succeeded or failed on whether someone left the house at the right time and didn’t throw a sickie from work that day, which they had done every day for 2 weeks previously can you imagine how afraid I was?
        But the fates were on my side.
        Could have been very messy if my brother turned up with a van and boxes and my ex hadn’t left for work that day!

        Liked by 2 people

        • I’ve winged it all my life πŸ˜‰ I can do that. The plan has a few fixed points but there’s room for adjustment. I know I can’t forsee every possible scenario. Something unexpected can happen and that’s the scary part.

          But it’s moving now, and it will not be stopped.

          Liked by 2 people

          • The military have a saying: no plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

            They’re right; you start with an overall general plan and a series of break points, plus a set of things that have to occur or else you stop for a re-think. Everything else, you wing it as you go along. Generally speaking, this works out just fine.

            The times it doesn’t work is when the plan was a crap idea right from the start. As no politicians seem to be involved here, and as you both want roughly similar things, I’d say the plan has a pretty good chance of succeeding.

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            • I used to plan everything. Endless hours of it. And then something changes at the last minute. Now I just put my head down and do it.
              And something good always comes out of everything anyway.

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      • Roobeedoo2

        Got off on the wrong foot? Did we, I admit it may be my (early onset) Alzheimers but I don’t remember that. Don’t ever worry about disagreeing, offending or even calling me names as I am well known to be as touchy as .. well a not very touchy/sensitive thing.

        I have a massive, eclectic music collection it goes from folk through to punk although I admit to a penchant for attractive female vocalists. Just in case FT tells me I’m a wuss for listening to girly romantic songs it even includes those Nordic (Finnish) types Steve’n Seagulls. Try Thunderstruck as good example to keep FT happy:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4Ao-iNPPUc ).

        I’m afraid I’m often accused of forming my entire conversations from song lyrics, which is patently untrue since at least two thirds are quotes from Robert Heinlein and Terry Pratchett – I’m full of them (or at least something) and have a suitable quote for every occasion and eventuality (even if sometimes straining my ‘street cred’, what do you mean ‘what street cred’, by having to resort to 80’s pop – but Life’s What You Make It or so said Talk Talk πŸ˜‰ ).

        One for Kath

        Anna Nalik – These Old Wings

        and couple more for Leggy

        Edwina Hayes – Bend In The Road

        Rascal Flatts – Bless The Broken Road

        Ps. If you like Mary Black, check out Eleanor McEvoy, she wrote a number of Marys ‘hits’ including her most famous Only a Womans Heart and her voice, in my opinion, is even better. If you’re feeling really daring try Julie Fowlis’ Puirt А Buel Set -Fodor Dha Na Gamhna Beaga (in Gaelic).

        Oh, first or last name? Yes, both and neither ;-p

        Sorry LI I’m a bit loquacious and verbose, I’m on a special diet and have a cream from my GP for it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Able. Don’t worry. I still listen to ABBA on occassion, and the soundtrack to dirty dancing is GREAT. I listen to anything that is not rap-crap. Have you heard Corvus Corax? A German middle ages music group, that put a bit of heavy metal into it. Dio, ex Deep Purple (?), does similar. “In Extremo” is also bloody good.Here Corvus Corax: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6rB696l3UM

          Liked by 1 person

          • FT

            Corvus Corax? Hmm, Yes, quite good – thank you so much for further increasing the strain on my overloaded hard-drive already bulging with way too many MP3 albums (4000+ and counting).

            Operatic Metal – I do like a bit occasionally, although I think I’ll stick mainly to Within Temptation for my fix because … well Sharon den Adel (in leather!?!) – look, at least I’m consistent, if a band has an attractive female in it (preferably in lycra or leather) then I like them, so yes I have ABBA’ complete collection (unusually I was an Anni-Frid fan more than Agnetha – Oh I forgot spandex jumpsuits – cold s shower time yet again ;-p ).

            Hey, I still listen to Humble Pie (we’ll gloss over the whole Don Williams, Jim Reeves period – I was forced by my parents music taste. The effects still leak out occasionally – I go through a regular Clint or the Duke period whenever I’m in The States – I even have a rough-out holster and a poncho/pack of cigarillos. It’s not all bad, try Pat Anderson’s version of the Boss’s Dancing in the Dark:

            Then of course there’s Alison Krauss and Union Statioon (I quite fancy her but that whole “restraining order” thing has got to be an over-reactionon her part, I mean, I’ve only proposed eight times πŸ˜‰

            roobeedoo2

            Dumey? I shall pretend that that went right over my head/I never heard that.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Old bloke, you know there’s a load of us other fellas out here, and we are rooting for you. I for one love your writings and try never to miss something. You’d be surprised how many of us have had strange and “exciting” lives – not always in a good way – too.

    If you need anything, and we can help, just say. It isn’t eve that far to your part of the world, if you wanted me to come and do anything for you.

    You’re brave too, and I salute you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I, too, am new to your writings Mr Leg Iron. Good luck with everything and I hope you will not forget to post the finale of the ‘Little Chairs’ saga. It’s what original drew me here.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes….what the f**k is all the little chairs about, I want to know! Yes. (But they are quite a fun idea, I have to say. And where are the rats, or whatever, to go in them then? lol)

          And where the f*** IS MY 1/1,200 scale SUBMARINE with a LED-lit smoking captain on the top of the tower? (No worries – you’ve got more important stuff to see to! Get your own stuff sorted and I’ll let you off with a photo of work-in-progress!)

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Frankly Mr Legiron, it sounds a bit mad. But who am I to judge. I’m a fish short of a lawnmower meself. My psychiatrist, Dr Mugumbo, has managed to get his PhD, just by regarding me; go figure. Anyway, whatever happens, remain well and happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never seen a psychiatrist – hell, the doctors only see me when I do something I can’t fix myself!

      I don’t think this is madness though. I think, finally, I’m doing something sane. Don’t worry, I won’t make a habit of it.

      Liked by 2 people

    • XX . I’m a fish short of a lawnmower meself. XX

      Oh fer FUCKS sake! You owe me a bottle of beer and a new key board!

      I am going to steal that, being a good Wiking….! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ (Saxons were never up to much…) πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 2 people

        • You think so… O.K, we are talking secrets here my REAL name is..Ragnar VΓ₯gmΓΆrnasson.

          The family can be traced back to Ragnar Lodhbrock.

          My Now Wife beat me at a sword fight. I beat her at arm wrestling

          We have been 20 years together after that. (Any one mentions “Klingons” I will take yout arm off with my axe, and ‘it you over the Head with the soggy end!)

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Don’t be scared LI it will be okay I promise, take it from one in the know of these things. If you feel it deeply and you have to act, all will be well. Change can be good. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have my happy ending. I too had deep dark secrets things no one knew and I had never shared.
    But now I have someone who knows me inside out, all my madness and lunacy all the dreadful things I have done, and accepts me and more importantly loves me anyway.
    Everyone deludes themselves they are fine to some extent and that they don’t need anyone else especially when they are at their loneliest and most vulnerable, because we are afraid of being hurt, by revealing what ails us, mainly because we have no clue it ails us most of the time, until there is a trigger point.
    I thought I was okay and could manage everything right up to the day my ex attacked our daughter in a drunken rage and punched her to the floor (it took myself and our two fully grown sons to stop him). I couldn’t go out of the house after that and needed help.
    Now here I am in a completely different place, I won’t lie it was not easy and I was bloody terrified, but that’s how I know it will all be fine. In due course of time I will come back and say I told you so πŸ˜€
    Keep on going and don’t let the past trip you up. it’s all relative and a lot of water has passed under those bridges.

    Liked by 2 people

        • I strongly suspect Redheadfullofsteam came to that conclusion a few months back.

          Some things can’t be fixed, nor kissed better. And sometimes those on the receiving end of wrongs simply don’t want it all dredged up or made public.

          Then there’s collateral damage, as this guy found out:

          http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-32812448

          James Rhodes absolutely insists he must tell the world about his being abused as kid. His current wife doesn’t see it that way as they have a son who really, truly does not need to know about what happened to his Daddy.

          Like

          • Yes, it’s a shame RHFoS closed her site. At least, she’s closed it to all who don’t know the password, according to her landing page. And her Twitter account. She wrote a good blog, and will be missed.

            Like

      • CSM/ BG you are welcome and trust me not really that amazing just spent a long time being a coward and thinking “What if” life is too short for what if’s . It’s never too late to be happy and the battles all seem worth it in the end.
        I wish you both great joy and contentment and peace of mind.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Bang on through. We are here to listen, and applaud you on your journey. The path you travel, while your own, is similar to one many have walked, or wish they could, and hearing your tale may help others.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Read this first thing and oh…Uncomfortably close to home with this post. Have been thinking it all over really since your first mention of changes.
    Wish you all the best, it will all work out one way or another and you will look back and know it was all worthwhile.
    (And know you are helping at least one other by involving us in your journey, thank you.)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. From one of the great bands of the late sixties. I’ve still got the vinyl LP which I bought when I got back to UK in 1969. I think it was released in late ’67.
    ———————————————
    Re your post:

    Been there, done that. And some. Life is an adventure, and it never stops being interesting, unless of course you allow it to. I’m 66 in a couple of weeks, and I’m still making crazy plans. Not just daydreams, but real plans which I’m investing my pitifully small capital in. If they go pear-shaped, I won’t have a pot to piss in,

    As for demons, I’ve lived with a bunch of ’em all my life. They don’t go away, but they’re under control.

    You sound like you’re making some fundamental changes in your life, LI, more than just the decision to share your life with someone. The best of luck to you, matey. All I can do is to echo the above commenters and say to you that if there is any way in which I can be of assistance, you have only to ask.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I’m one who has spent a long lifetime making – with very few exceptions – the wrong decisions. Go for it – you can only do better than I did!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Good luck, Leggy. Keep us posted, You know we’re all rooting for you. It’s tough, making changes, but sometimes it’s for the best. Cutting the dead wood from our lives, only new growth can result.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Late to the commentary box ‘cos been travelling.

    Having been fortunate to have had a stable (some would say ‘mundane’) life, I can only sympathise with those who’ve experienced personal turmoil and/or tradgedy.

    Hope things work out as you want. From your descriptions of your past, you are experienced in facing ‘challenge’, so that will hold you in good stead for the future.

    July 14th will be ‘the first day of the rest of your life’. Enjoy it; whichever direction – planned or unplanned – it takes.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Secrets ! Was it you that shot JR ? Is the Holy Grail hidden in your cellar ? How many beans really make nine ? Lobsters, now there’s a thing, my uncle used to catch lobsters, in a creel, and blow me down, when they come out the sea they are sort of purple ! Who knew ?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’d dress as a cheerleader for you, waving pom-poms and all, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m a bloke and only slightly less hairy than Chewbacca.

    Yep, you have to make things happen rather than wait for them to happen to you – and it’s about time I stopped just treading water myself. Overcome inertia and then maintain forward momentum, etc…

    Or as a very wise Chinese (or possibly.Japanese, or a Jedi) bloke once said – “Be the arrow, not the target”.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. What fantastic comments – and all the best from me too, Leggy. You have the courage to do something I don’t, and that’s to share secrets. Very best wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I imagine most people have demons in some shape or form. Some parts hidden in a cupboard for no-one else to see.
    Wishing you all the very best.
    A part of me hopes that you have no time to write, yet another part of me will miss catching up with you ever so often.

    Like

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