Ghost children and magic viruses.

I’m beginning to think there’s a plot to overwhelm every sewage system in the Western world. Anything and everything that can scare the shit out of people is being wheeled out, all at once. Perhaps it’s the new solution to obesity?

If the Islamists don’t get you, the ebola virus will and if you aren’t scared of ebola yet, wait until it becomes airborne.

Picture it – a mass of ebola virus zooming over the Mediterranean like a swarm of cartoon bees, shaped into an arrow and pointed at your house. Each one shouts ‘Banzai!’ as it zips in through your window and right up your nose. Then it eats you from the inside out. It’s now so virulent that you go to bed feeling fine but when you wake up and lift your head from the pillow, your eyes are still stuck to it, your arms and legs have no bones and the world has dropped out of your bottom.

Well, everyone else is scaring the masses. Might as well have a go too.

The UN Ebola Chief has been emitting some foulness –

The longer the Ebola epidemic continues infecting people unabated, the higher the chances it will mutate and become airborne, the UN’s Ebola response chief has warned.

This is not just a mutation. This would be an entire change to the mode of action of this virus. It would become a respiratory virus and to do that, it would have to become a totally different virus. It wouldn’t be ebola any more. It would be flu.

In a surprising change of editorial policy, the Mail asked some sensible people their opinions.

‘The chances of Ebola becoming airborne are extremely small,’ said Dr Jeremy Farrar, a director at Wellcome Trust.

‘I am not aware of any viral infection changing its mode of transmission. This is not to say it would be impossible, but it’s important we retain a sense of proportion and not exaggerate the risks for it changing and becoming airborne. There is already enough fear and panic surrounding this epidemic.

Also:

Professor David Heymann, Professor of Infectious Disease Epidemiology at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, said: ‘No-one can predict what will happen with the mutation of the virus, and there is no evidence to suggest that it will become a respiratory virus. Its epidemiology is consistent with transmission via blood, bodily secretions and excretions, which is exactly the same as other past epidemics.

‘Other viruses that transmit in a similar manner by blood, such as Hepatitis B and HIV, have not mutated in this manner. In order for Ebola to change, the virus would have to develop the capacity to attach to receptors in the respiratory system.’

Now, you would think that the Chief Ebolutionist or whatever his job title is, would know all this. He and his pals are meant to be ‘experts’ on this virus. As usual, they are no such thing. They are experts in spreading terror and panic. Ebola is not a respiratory virus. The nearest it can get to airborne is if an infected person sneezes at you, some infected saliva lands in your mouth and you swallow (not inhale) it. You would have to be at least in the same room as them.

Even true airborne viruses need pretty close contact. Places with recirculated air, such as planes, are wonderful places for cold and flu viruses. One person sneezes and the virus particles go around and around the rest of the passengers. Everyone’s a winner! Otherwise, you catch flu from someone who has flu. Viruses do not cruise around looking for people to infect. They do not have little wings and wind-up propellors. In fact, when they are whole viruses, they do absolutely nothing at all. They have no metabolism. They are only active when they are inside another cell.

Anyway, if it does become airborne, smokers would just cough it straight back out again so it’s really only nonsmokers who need worry.

Soon, further restrictions on travel will be imposed to counteract this imaginary threat and anyone who so much as sniffs in public is going to find themseves rapidly surrounded by a sea of nobody. No more need to light up to terrify the drones away from you. Just cough and say ‘Oh, I don’t feel well’ and watch them run screaming for the hills.

Which would be a mistake because that’s where the black-eyed ghosts are waiting.

Well, we don’t have ebola in the UK yet. The tabloids have to make do with whatever they can get.

At least the black-eyed ghost children aren’t obese.