If I ruled the world…

… I’d resign. It sounds like a terrible job.

I cannot understand why any of these control-freaks want to control other people. It is a mindset entirely alien to me. As long as it has no effect on me, I have no interest in what the people next door do and none at all in what the people further away are doing. I certainly have no interest in telling them how to live – they can figure that out for themselves. I have quite enough to deal with figuring out how to live my own life, thanks.

Yet we have people who insist that the entire world must not smoke, not drink, eat what they are told to eat and not eat what they are told not to eat, we have people taking Jumbo jets to conferences where they tell us we use too much energy, and now the EU is dictating how much water you can use to flush away your crap.

During talks to draw up the ceilings, Britain asked for the reduced flush to be set at four litres, in line with the low-flush models currently being recommended for domestic homes. The plea was rejected as not delivering a sufficient water saving.

Water savings might be important in arid regions of Europe but this is the UK. Water is not in short supply here. It drops out of the sky most days. What is in short supply is intelligent water management but we can’t do anything about that as long as the country is run by those too dim to get a better job than ‘politician’.

What we can do is get hold of rainwater collection barrels and fit them into the downpipes from the roof gutters. I have one and I heartily recommend it for watering plants at least. They’ve done so much better since they stopped getting the chlorinated stuff from the taps.

Okay, rainwater in a barrel is not ideal for drinking but with simple filtering and boiling it could be made drinkable. It’s certainly perfectly good enough to flush the toilet. I don’t have a water meter here, but if I did I’d be routing that rainwater into the toilet cisterns. That would be a sensible way to save water – but that’s not on the cards. Instead, the EU want to reduce the amount of water you can use to the point where only those eating the recommended nothing-at-all will produce sufficiently small amounts of the stinky stuff for the flush to work. Everyone eating like a normal human being will have to watch it all pile up.

Well, in that case, I’ll shit on the rhubarb. The rhubarb won’t mind. In fact I have bought it some pelleted chicken shit this year which will rot all over it through the winter. Some years back, I bought pelleted cow shit and it went ballistic. It’s used all of that now so I’ll try chicken shit this time. No flushing involved.

We keep hearing that there are many people who want us to stay in this ridiculous EU nonsense. Most people don’t, it’s assumed that all the rest do. However, Parliament has been considering the questions on the pretend referendum we’re supposed to believe we’ll get this tiime – and who would have guessed this?

“A few people did not know whether or not the UK is currently a member of the EU, and this presented a risk of misunderstanding,” the commission found.

So most people want out of the EU, and of those who don’t want out, some do not even realise we’re in! Which further reduces the number who want to be in. They kept that quiet, didn’t they? So how many want to be in the EU? Probably about five.

How far removed from reality must you be to not realise we’re in the EU? Its diktats are in the news every day. It’s people like that who give the control freaks the leverage they need. The ones who want someone else to run their lives for them because they cannot be bothered to do it themselves.

They are the ones who accept all this rubbish about salt and fat being poisons, about second hand smoke, about the five-a-day and booze-units bullshit that ‘scientists’ have openly admitted they just made up. Openly admitted, and the drones still believe it!

The control freaks are so active these days for the simple reason that there are now so many drones who actually want to be controlled. They want everyone else controlled too.

Screw that. I will not be controlled. I am the reason I don’t want to be King of the World because people like me – and there are quite a few of us – just will not listen. We are the thorns in their side and if you take one thorn out, two more go in. We are the ones who react to tobacco controls with attempts to cultivate a strain that will grow wild in the UK. We are the ones who react to booze controls by brewing our own. We stock up on salt and sugar, we learn to make our own versions of banned foods. Tax water and we’ll have no trouble getting an alternative source. As I said, it just falls from the sky. Filtration through sand beds is easy to replicate on a small scale. It does not need to have chlorine or fluoride in it to be safe – as the drones believe.

Fruit does not need to come in plastic bags to be edible and as for meat, the country is overrun with rabbits and other small creatures made of meat. I read about a guy who’s lived on roadkill for years. Scrape it up when it’s fresh and cook it properly – it’s all meat.

The drones are not competition for any of this, they are now so stupid that unless the food has a supermarket logo on it, they won’t touch it. I should feel sorry for them – but I don’t. Not at all.

If there is a plan afoot to reduce the world’s population, the ones they will reduce are the drones. The ones who fall for all the hype and nonsense. The ones who will survive are the ones like me. Pains in the arse. A whole population of pains in the arse. Good luck trying to rule that lot.

They come up with 28 days of ‘Stoptober’, the pains in the arse come back with 30 days and counting of ‘Octabber’. They come up with plain packs, we come back with cigarette cases. They come up with minimum pricing for booze, we come back with totally unregulated rocket fuel (that plum wine has, I think, finally stopped fermenting at three weeks in). Every control they impose, we find a way around. They target us, it bounces off and hits their own drones.

As for the drones, this is where they are heading. Frightened of breath.

Because they believe it all.

Pity them? Nope. Torment them for a laugh? Yup. Well, it’s nearly Halloween. For this one, you don’t need a costume. Just take along a pack of smokes and a bottle of booze.