Their arses must be huge…

…because they can fit their enormous heads inside them. And still speak. Where’s that voice coming from? Why, it appears to emanate from that vast fundament over there. I hadn’t seen it before because it was blocking out the light.

First up (so to speak) are the jabbering rectal orifices belonging to two champions of the most Righteous campaign known as Action on Restricting Sugar Everywhere

fat1I hope clicking enlarges it. Wouldn’t want to embarass such a large-headed control freak with a miniscule quote.

‘No delays, no excuses’. Just who does this pompous ass think he is? Kim Jong-Carbs? The UK ‘requires’ to be run by those elected to run it (even if they aren’t very good at it), not by some tinpot dictator with a single issue to bleat about and no answer to anything beyond ‘Ban it! Ban it all now! Wibblewibblewibble!’

He has a friend, you know. A man who is likely to lead the breakaway faction, Action on Sugar and Sport –

fat2They ‘manage to associate’ sugary products with sport? He means, of course, that they pay the sport a load of money and in return, the sport has that company logo on their shirts/cars/tiddlywinks or whatever. Every industry does this. Well, except the tobacco industry who will be smiling at the template now being applied to those who supported it first time round.

The sugar industry response amounts to ‘Well yeah, if you eat too much sugar you’ll get fat, but if you eat too much of anything you’ll get fat. Sugar is just one source of calories and, basically, these people are talking out of their arses’. Oh, there are signs of attempted compromise but surely, by now, even the dimmest corporate suit must have realised that the Righteous don’t do ‘compromise’. Show any sign of weakness and they are at your throat. No compromise. Play the game by their rules or you will lose.

Ask these Righteous who voted for them and who is paying for their campaign. Withrdaw all funding from all sports – and everything else – and point out that the macrocephalics of ARSE and especially their SS platoon ASS have forced you to do it. Name them. Individually.

Do people want that funding restored? ASS say the people don’t want that funding restored. Sorry, hurdlers, you’re going to be jumping over old palettes; and car racers, try not to run out of petrol halfway around the track. We can’t help you. The People don’t want us to. They have spoken through their ASS.

Just do it. One of you industries, just damn well do it. Call the bluff. Take them exactly at their word. Don’t point out that your bags of sugar already have ‘sugar’ written on them. Make it huge. All capitals. SUGAR! THE SWEETEST DEATH! RID YOUR MOUTH OF DISEASE-CAUSING TEETH TODAY! I bet sales will rocket. Oh, I almost forgot. Put a skull on every packet. A skull with no teeth. A fat one.

Plain packs. Bring it on. For everything. The People want it to be so. That’s what the Righteous say. Plain packs for everything. Christmas decorations in olive green with warnings about mince pies and Yule logs and pictures of fat Santas having their stomachs pumped and pissed elves throwing up in the gutter… that’s where it’s going anyway. Take it there now. Let’s see what The People really have to say about it all.

Then tell The People who has really been paying for it all. Show them who has done it all and where their money comes from. Then give The People back their guns.

Plain packaging on cigarettes is going to affect very few people. As a smoker, it’s not even going to affect me. I use a cigarette case and tube/roll my own. A tin for my rolling baccy and papers, a tin without warnings (Tin without warnings, fags without fear, I feel a Peter Gabriel corruption coming on) I’ve been entirely on plain packaging for over two years now. No warnings either, and no fake photos. Although my Bull brand fag-tin has an added label that reads ‘If my smoking offends you… don’t breathe’. There you go. Fair warning. Ignore it at your peril.

Once plain packaging applies to the middle class dinner-party wine and all that Sainsbury olive oil and Marky Sparky’s posh grub, even Harrods and the posh people’s Aldi,  Fortnum and Mason, then we will hear some rumblings.

‘Oh, but it won’t apply to us’ whine the champagne socialists. It applies to Havana cigars, you idiots. It is going to apply to Moet & Chandon as well as it will apply to Carlsberg Special Brew. It is going to apply to Filet Mignon in the same way as it will apply to that 24-pack of frozen (maybe)-beef burgers. There have never been exceptions.

Incidentally, I managed to get the stuck-on warning label off that Havana cigar box without damaging the box. No warnings now. The cigars are safe to smoke.

Is there room for another enormous cranium in this post, I wonder? A surgeon called Ram Mouthy is to present a bill to the House of Quacks demanding that Electrofags are banned just like all other forms of smoking. Even though they don’t produce any smoke at all. He will prove to this health conference that the smoking ban was never about health and everyone outside the conference will realise that, while nobody inside the conference will ever grasp this simple truth. These people think they are smarter than us. They think that way because they are too dim to think otherwise.

Electrofags look a bit like smoking, therefore they must be banned because… well, just because. That is the extent of the modern medics’ argument. That really is all of it. There is no more.

Did you know that the highest component of British government is the House of Quacks? Well, they think it is. It’s so high and mighty that we plebs are not trusted to vote for its members. Rather like the EU. Only other massive heads (and only if they have the required roomy rectum to store it in) can vote on their planet. It’s like a gathering of the Mekon clan but it’s not a glass bubble the huge head is inside. Not unless it’s a rather stinky bubble with shit in it.

These are supposed to be the top medics. I wouldn’t trust any of them to circumcise a dog.

We had a Jewish Dalmation when I was small. He didn’t start out Jewish. He tried to jump a barbed wire fence and didn’t quite make it. Tell you what, I have never again seen any animal look so sorry for itself. He did go on to produce a litter  of pups (quite some time after the stitches came out and he got past the stage of sitting down really quickly whenever anyone used the phrase ‘the dog’s bollocks’) but he never again jumped any fence without looking at it first.

No smoking. No drinking. No eating. No enjoying anything at all. Go to see a doctor with half the galaxy growing out of the side of your head and if you don’t smoke, it can’t be anything serious. See that doctor with a sprained shoulder and say you smoke, and it’s smoking-related and you get tested for everything.

We had a guy at one place I worked who was always off sick with one thing or another. Yes, one of those. One of his claims was RSI. While he was away, I made sure to tell everyone that he was off with a bad case of ‘wanker’s wrist’. He never found out who started the rumour.

I’m nearly at the end of this post. I realise the digressions get much worse as the whisky kicks in and time and fatigue progress, but just try to ignore them.

The papers are daily reporting cases where the medics send people home saying there’s not much wrong with them, only to find them dead a few days later. Seriously -and this could save your life – never, never tell a doctor that you have never smoked or drank or chowed down on heavily salted black pudding and a mountain of chips. Even if you have lived a purely Vegan life since birth. Do not tell them that. If you do, they will assume you are faking or are a hypochondriac.

Tell them you once tried a cigarette when you were twelve. It’s enough to set the whole machine in motion. Every time they find a disease they can blame on smoking they get fifty Righteous points to spend on tofu and on holidays in places underground where you can’t get skin cancer, so they will search your entire body for something, anything, that is abnormal.

In any dealings with modern medicine, your salvation lies not in smoking but in saying you do, or once did. The antismokers will not do this. Darwinian natural selection will deal with them, in time.

The Rectal Heads will never die out. They will always be with us. What we need is a government with the balls to say ‘Get lost, we are not giving you money for this made-up shit’.

Maybe the next government. This one is a proven busted flush, like the ones before it.

Or maybe the one after that, or the one after that…

It all depends on how you vote. Measure their arses and their heads and if the latter fits inside the former, don’t vote for them.



18 thoughts on “Their arses must be huge…

  1. Dr Dr Aseem .

    He must be the one that Phil Mogg and Michael Schenker of UFO sang about in the mid-seventies in Doctor Doctor.


  2. “Darwinian natural selection will deal with them, in time.”

    Alfred Russel Wallace independently devised natural selection. His and Darwin’s papers on the subject were jointly submitted, but Darwin gets the credit because of his book with the very long title, “On the Origin of Species…..”. There’s a funny video clip of Dawkins being asked to recite the entire title. He fails.

    It’s “On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life.” But there isn’t yet copy and paste for the mind.

    But anyways, Darwin’s grandfather, Erasmus, had ideas about evolution. He in turn quoted Scottish judge, Lord Monbotto’s ideas of evolution,

    Then there’s the Frenchman, Lamarck who died a few decades before “On the Origin of Species” was published.

    I’m not trying to be mega pedantic, by the way.

    “Oh, yes you are.”

    “Oh, yes I am.”

    Here’s the killer for the Theory of Evolution

    That was the history; here is the biology.

    For evolution theory to work, massive amounts of new information must be added to the genome to turn a microbe into a microbiologist, but natural selection reduces the complexity. It’s the opposite of what the Theory demands.

    Take dog breeding, which Darwin thought was proof of his (their) theory of evolution. Clearly, you get vastly different mutts, but a) they are still dogs and b) their differences are due to a LOSS of information in the genome. Simplest example I can think of is that the process of producing chihuahuas was to use the smallest dogs possible to produce each new generation. Consequently, genes for large size have been eliminated = a loss of information. New variety (same species) but due to less genetic information, not more.


    • Not quite, the information isn’t lost, it becomes recessive (as opposed to becomes dominant). If you rounded up 100 dogs at random (from mastiffs to chihuahuas) and allowed them to breed to their hearts content, in very few generations with few exceptions you end up with very wolf like dogs.


      • Yes, if you allow all breeds to marry and have children they will revert to some standard dog. Because you’re increasing the gene pool, you might end up with a wolf-like dog again??

        Although, the stray dogs on Moscow’s underground have been interbreeding for decades, but they’re not wolf-like or I don’t think they’d be so beloved of the people.


    • Not a geneticist so don’t take this as gospel but…

      Information isn’t lost when genes mutate, it is just changed. The next generation has the same number of genes but they say something different. Evolution is like Chinese whispers, you never know what will come out at the end.

      Most times the gene change is fatal but once in a while it produces something better than the parents.

      It’s true that evolutiom is not predictive but that is because at its base is a random event. Mutations are by far mostly a bad thing but that’s randomness for you.

      Is that the basic religious problem with evolution, I wonder? The idea that nobody is guiding it?

      What if someone is? What if all those failed mutations are just red herrings to distract us?

      There’s no way to be sure, is there?


      • My problem with evolution – or rather, the Theory of Evolution – was based on science. I believed in evolution theory until nine years ago when I decided to look into it for the first time ever after a major media blitz against a privately-funded academy in England that was teaching Creation science.

        Christians seem to fit billions of years and evolution into the first chapter of Genesis, but I doubt they understand ANYTHING (as was the case with me).

        But for me, I began to understand how incredibly unlikely it is that such complex life could have occurred by, as you say, completely random mutations, which are nearly always damaging or neutral.

        Then the theology came into play and I realised it would be ridiculous for the Creator to use evolution (goo-to-you). He knows everything about genetics (obviously) so could create anything He wanted without resorting to chance and vast amounts of time, especially when desiring to create beings in His own image.

        It’s akin to a professional gardener attempting to make pleasing flowerbeds for his customers by taking handfuls of mixed seeds and throwing them around willy-nilly and hoping for a professional-looking job to result. One might do eventually by time and chance!

        But it’s not how he’d go about planning a garden. He would use his knowledge.


        • Ah, but (there’s always an ah but).

          Look at it this way. God has to have a sun to keep the planet warm. The only way to make a stable and reliable sun is to make it nuclear but then it would put out a lot of deadly radiation and it wouldn’t be absolutely stable. So the planet has to have a molten core to create a magnetic field that brushes most of the radiation away. Some will still get through but that’s manageable. He just has to make his creations adaptable.

          The molten core and the sun’s wobbles mean there will be some small (on the God scale) variations in climate. His creations have to be capable of adapting to that too. Especially when they come out of Eden (where they never needed clothing, there was no winter) to populate the world. Adaptation can be genetic or intelligent – making clothes and lighting fires.

          Animals adapt by genetic changes, as with those Galapagos finches but humans adapt by making the environment change. If it’s cold we build houses with fires inside and wear clothes. If it’s far too hot we invent air conditioning.

          But if God wanted his creation to survive he would need to make it adaptable, not fixed. Remember, none of the animals in Eden were ejected with Adam (except the snake). The ones outside were… the ones outside. They had to copew with the imperfect world outside Eden and they couldn’t make clothes or invent air conditioning. They had to be designed to evolve.


  3. XX Once plain packaging applies to the middle class dinner-party wine and all that Sainsbury olive oil and Marky Sparky’s posh grub, even Harrods….XX

    They would never notice the difference. In fact there IS no difference.

    Whilst waiting for my application to run its course here, I worked in a Pizza factory, making pizzas for some cheap and nasty firm, like Lidl, or similar, who had the price on the box of “2 for 99 Pence.”

    We did that for WEEKS. Then one morning “O.K, new boxes, we have finished the order for “My Mums shite” or whatever!”

    New boxes?

    Oh aye.


    SAME fucking Pizzas, SAME recipe, SAME toppings, SAME amounts of toppings, we had been making from day one. Except NOW, the boxes were all nice black and metalic gold, with a photo taken by Lord Snowden, instead of “My mate with the box browny around the corner from the pub,” and a price of FIVE POUND EACH!!!

    20 pallets later, another box change, back to “My Mums shite.”


    • They are paying for the packaging, not the comtents. I’ve had a Marky Sparky pizza with no more cheese on it than a Tesco Value one.

      Once the packaging is all the same, why would anyone pay for Harrods when they can get the same thing, in the same pack, in Lidl?


  4. The ‘Puritans’ that want more govt control over stuff had better pray that the govts do not get total control.

    Such control would include ownership of the sugar producing companies.

    The puritanical bleating against sugar consumption would be considered anti-govt and they would be shot for plotting against the State.

    Only a Capitalist system puts up with such BS nonsense.


    • But then, perhaps these modern Puritans are Communists.

      The Pilgrims that came to America were Puritans and they were Communists.

      America was founded by Puritans who were fanatical communists.

      They forbad private ownership of land and insisted that all produce be shared communally.

      If that’s not communism, nothing is.

      Mass starvation is the reason they changed their ideas.


  5. Pingback: Friday Funnies by Microdave | Max Farquar

First comments are moderated to keep the spambots out. Once your first comment is approved, you're in.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s