Their arses must be huge…

…because they can fit their enormous heads inside them. And still speak. Where’s that voice coming from? Why, it appears to emanate from that vast fundament over there. I hadn’t seen it before because it was blocking out the light.

First up (so to speak) are the jabbering rectal orifices belonging to two champions of the most Righteous campaign known as Action on Restricting Sugar Everywhere –

I hope clicking enlarges it. Wouldn’t want to embarass such a large-headed control freak with a miniscule quote.

‘No delays, no excuses’. Just who does this pompous ass think he is? Kim Jong-Carbs? The UK ‘requires’ to be run by those elected to run it (even if they aren’t very good at it), not by some tinpot dictator with a single issue to bleat about and no answer to anything beyond ‘Ban it! Ban it all now! Wibblewibblewibble!’

He has a friend, you know. A man who is likely to lead the breakaway faction, Action on Sugar and Sport –

They ‘manage to associate’ sugary products with sport? He means, of course, that they pay the sport a load of money and in return, the sport has that company logo on their shirts/cars/tiddlywinks or whatever. Every industry does this. Well, except the tobacco industry who will be smiling at the template now being applied to those who supported it first time round.

The sugar industry response amounts to ‘Well yeah, if you eat too much sugar you’ll get fat, but if you eat too much of anything you’ll get fat. Sugar is just one source of calories and, basically, these people are talking out of their arses’. Oh, there are signs of attempted compromise but surely, by now, even the dimmest corporate suit must have realised that the Righteous don’t do ‘compromise’. Show any sign of weakness and they are at your throat. No compromise. Play the game by their rules or you will lose.

Ask these Righteous who voted for them and who is paying for their campaign. Withrdaw all funding from all sports – and everything else – and point out that the macrocephalics of ARSE and especially their SS platoon ASS have forced you to do it. Name them. Individually.

Do people want that funding restored? ASS say the people don’t want that funding restored. Sorry, hurdlers, you’re going to be jumping over old palettes; and car racers, try not to run out of petrol halfway around the track. We can’t help you. The People don’t want us to. They have spoken through their ASS.

Just do it. One of you industries, just damn well do it. Call the bluff. Take them exactly at their word. Don’t point out that your bags of sugar already have ‘sugar’ written on them. Make it huge. All capitals. SUGAR! THE SWEETEST DEATH! RID YOUR MOUTH OF DISEASE-CAUSING TEETH TODAY! I bet sales will rocket. Oh, I almost forgot. Put a skull on every packet. A skull with no teeth. A fat one.

Plain packs. Bring it on. For everything. The People want it to be so. That’s what the Righteous say. Plain packs for everything. Christmas decorations in olive green with warnings about mince pies and Yule logs and pictures of fat Santas having their stomachs pumped and pissed elves throwing up in the gutter… that’s where it’s going anyway. Take it there now. Let’s see what The People really have to say about it all.

Then tell The People who has really been paying for it all. Show them who has done it all and where their money comes from. Then give The People back their guns.

Plain packaging on cigarettes is going to affect very few people. As a smoker, it’s not even going to affect me. I use a cigarette case and tube/roll my own. A tin for my rolling baccy and papers, a tin without warnings (Tin without warnings, fags without fear, I feel a Peter Gabriel corruption coming on) I’ve been entirely on plain packaging for over two years now. No warnings either, and no fake photos. Although my Bull brand fag-tin has an added label that reads ‘If my smoking offends you… don’t breathe’. There you go. Fair warning. Ignore it at your peril.

Once plain packaging applies to the middle class dinner-party wine and all that Sainsbury olive oil and Marky Sparky’s posh grub, even Harrods and the posh people’s Aldi,  Fortnum and Mason, then we will hear some rumblings.

‘Oh, but it won’t apply to us’ whine the champagne socialists. It applies to Havana cigars, you idiots. It is going to apply to Moet & Chandon as well as it will apply to Carlsberg Special Brew. It is going to apply to Filet Mignon in the same way as it will apply to that 24-pack of frozen (maybe)-beef burgers. There have never been exceptions.

Incidentally, I managed to get the stuck-on warning label off that Havana cigar box without damaging the box. No warnings now. The cigars are safe to smoke.

Is there room for another enormous cranium in this post, I wonder? A surgeon called Ram Mouthy is to present a bill to the House of Quacks demanding that Electrofags are banned just like all other forms of smoking. Even though they don’t produce any smoke at all. He will prove to this health conference that the smoking ban was never about health and everyone outside the conference will realise that, while nobody inside the conference will ever grasp this simple truth. These people think they are smarter than us. They think that way because they are too dim to think otherwise.

Electrofags look a bit like smoking, therefore they must be banned because… well, just because. That is the extent of the modern medics’ argument. That really is all of it. There is no more.

Did you know that the highest component of British government is the House of Quacks? Well, they think it is. It’s so high and mighty that we plebs are not trusted to vote for its members. Rather like the EU. Only other massive heads (and only if they have the required roomy rectum to store it in) can vote on their planet. It’s like a gathering of the Mekon clan but it’s not a glass bubble the huge head is inside. Not unless it’s a rather stinky bubble with shit in it.

These are supposed to be the top medics. I wouldn’t trust any of them to circumcise a dog.

We had a Jewish Dalmation when I was small. He didn’t start out Jewish. He tried to jump a barbed wire fence and didn’t quite make it. Tell you what, I have never again seen any animal look so sorry for itself. He did go on to produce a litter  of pups (quite some time after the stitches came out and he got past the stage of sitting down really quickly whenever anyone used the phrase ‘the dog’s bollocks’) but he never again jumped any fence without looking at it first.

No smoking. No drinking. No eating. No enjoying anything at all. Go to see a doctor with half the galaxy growing out of the side of your head and if you don’t smoke, it can’t be anything serious. See that doctor with a sprained shoulder and say you smoke, and it’s smoking-related and you get tested for everything.

We had a guy at one place I worked who was always off sick with one thing or another. Yes, one of those. One of his claims was RSI. While he was away, I made sure to tell everyone that he was off with a bad case of ‘wanker’s wrist’. He never found out who started the rumour.

I’m nearly at the end of this post. I realise the digressions get much worse as the whisky kicks in and time and fatigue progress, but just try to ignore them.

The papers are daily reporting cases where the medics send people home saying there’s not much wrong with them, only to find them dead a few days later. Seriously -and this could save your life – never, never tell a doctor that you have never smoked or drank or chowed down on heavily salted black pudding and a mountain of chips. Even if you have lived a purely Vegan life since birth. Do not tell them that. If you do, they will assume you are faking or are a hypochondriac.

Tell them you once tried a cigarette when you were twelve. It’s enough to set the whole machine in motion. Every time they find a disease they can blame on smoking they get fifty Righteous points to spend on tofu and on holidays in places underground where you can’t get skin cancer, so they will search your entire body for something, anything, that is abnormal.

In any dealings with modern medicine, your salvation lies not in smoking but in saying you do, or once did. The antismokers will not do this. Darwinian natural selection will deal with them, in time.

The Rectal Heads will never die out. They will always be with us. What we need is a government with the balls to say ‘Get lost, we are not giving you money for this made-up shit’.

Maybe the next government. This one is a proven busted flush, like the ones before it.

Or maybe the one after that, or the one after that…

It all depends on how you vote. Measure their arses and their heads and if the latter fits inside the former, don’t vote for them.